I have been home two days now and surprisingly I am feeling rather optimistic about it, I haven't cried once. When I have left Manchester previously, for long periods, I have cried, moped about and generally felt depressed for the first few weeks, missing my friends and the freedom the city had given me.
However, it's 3.30am and I am feeling reflective, looking back at photo's, thinking of memories, fun times, people I have met, friends I have gained and lost. I returned to Manchester in November last year after a few months of ups and downs. In comparison, 2011 was a much better year than 2010 for me. It seems to have flown by in a year of parties, alcohol, drugs and new experiences.
I thought it would be a good time to talk about why exactly I decided to leave when I did. A hard year of excess had started to take its toll on me. I had gained weight, I am looking pale, I am feeling older and I was tired. As I have documented before, I am always conflicted between the two cities. But in speaking to my family these past few weeks, everyone seemed to be in a better place. The family unit seems to be closer, after a couple of years of being so fragmented. I didn't want to miss out on that.
There are certain worries that being back in Dublin carries, I have always shared a volatile relationship with my Mother and although absence makes the heart grow fonder I am apprehensive that we will revert back to previous conflict. Being under the same roof as her medication will also be difficult and will further test our relationship. We can only take it one day at a time and see how things go.
The past few months back in Manchester had been filled with so much worry, money worries had really started to get me down and being at home as felt like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. It's been a major stress reliever and I have spent most of yesterday and today, just sleeping away those stresses. I needed the break.
I don't know if I will ever want to go back to Manchester, I don't know how I will feel in a few months or a years time. I could meet someone...Anything could happen. We will just have to see how it goes.
But I am optimistic about what lies ahead. I am not regretting my decision.
10 comments:
I for one am somewhat relieved to hear this, Ian.
I'm sure your friends in Manchester care about you but I'm also sure they get you into a lot of trouble or at least make it easier for you to dabble in drugs/alcohol.
At least at home your family, who is aware of your addictions, can watch out for you closeby.
And sometimes the universe has a way of forcing certain "tests" on us as a way of making us grow.
Leaving the freedom of Manchester, dealing with your mother head-on and the temptation of her medications.
Perhaps those are necessary for you to face before you can be free in the truest sense of the word.
Forgive me, I'm all philosophical at the moment.
(((HUGS))) again and be well.
-Dean
I haven't been in touch with you for very long, but your words really speak to me every time I read your posts. I am happy that you are getting the break and the rest that you need. Take care of you as you're the only you we have here in this world. I wish you the very best and hope everything works out as you need it to. I can feel your pain right about now as I am now face job loss and finding a new place to live.
Good luck with everything. Sounds like you have a lot to cope with. Don't stop talking to people. xx
I understand the move back was hard... but the fact that you say you are not regretting your decision, is a good thing.
Keep positive about everything... and make sure you go get yourself some really hot sex!
Sometimes you have to just jump off the cliff...
thinking of you & wishing you the vest in your new life.
I'm glad you are feeling optimistic after having made the difficult decision to leave. Keeping a positive attitude helps you make the best of a situation. Good luck to you!
Welcome home, Ian. I hope being there is a positive experience in all ways.
You sound both reflective and optimistic, that's a good way to be.
Hopefully, you'll have a merry Christmas!
Peace <3
Jay
Thanks to everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I have a good feeling about the move this time.
Usually by now, I am wailing in dispair, depressed with regret.
Hey don't be too hard on yourself. Who knows the grass probably greener on the other side??
Firstly, potato! and secondly... I hope you come back at least for a visit dear boy!
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