Weight Loss and My Cock Sure Bravado!

I guess it all started with a photograph, daylight, me, surronded by my friends, I am having fun. It is the weekend I went camping. In the photo, you can tell I am having fun, and I was. But something about that photo upset me. I looked at and I realised, I was fat. Stood next to all my friends, my skinny friends, I was the biggest In the group.

I don't want to taint the memory of the fun time I had but there was no denying it. This made me feel awful. It was then I made the decision. The best laid plans are always made on a Sunday night. 'I will quit smoking', 'I will start doing exercise', 'I will put more effort into my work'. Come Monday morning, these would usually be forgotten and I would continue on as I always had.

Something about that Monday morning was different though, I had told myself the night before, that I would be more pro-active in controlling my weight. So I picked up a coke zero on the way to work and I thought about the best ways, I could lose weight. It was simple really, less calories. A lot less calories. I was eating/drinking way more than the recommended daily guidelines amount, probably by an extra 1000 calories a day. The only thing that was keeping me from booming into obesity, was the fact I was so active.

So I made the decision, to eat just 1000 calories a day. It sounds insane I know and even I thought at first, this would be unachievable. Going hungry wouldn't be the answer, I would just convince myself that I had worked hard for a big meal, which would then counter any good I had done by cutting back. So I opted for low calorie options, that would fill me up but at the same time being healthy. I am actually eating more fruit and veg, than I ever have in my life. I would have some fruit for breakfast and lunch and some meat, such as chicken breast with vegatables for dinner. I am not going to lie, it's not completely satisfying but it wasn't leaving me starving either.

I have also cut back on alcohol and when I do go out, I don't always drink and I take the calories from alcohol and other drinks into my total daily calories allowance. I have even kept this up for special occassions, such as a friends wedding and Manchester Gay Pride.

It's now almost a month since I started and I have lost 1 and 1/2 stone(21lbs) and I am pleased with my progress. In the weeks I have been doing this, I seem to have conditioned my self to not think about food, something which previously, was a constant thought.

But, its not just my mindset about food that has changed. Some other things seem to be changing to. My attitude to drugs, was very much the same as food, I didn't care what I took or what it did to me, as long as I was 'satisfied' then it was all good. I am not going to sit here and lie and say I have cut drugs out of my life completely but I can admit, I don't get the same pleasure from them as I did previously, how ever misguided that satisfaction was. I take them and I feel guilty, I don't feel good and usually those feelings would melt away, as the narcotic effects kicked in. But lately, its just got worse. This can only be a good thing, I have matured this year, in ways that I can't fully vocalise or put into words. I am embarrassed by it.

I have also seemed to have lost that cock sure bravado, which I used to think has made me so unique. My 'fuck the world, I will do what I want' attitude seems to be slipping away. This is worrying for me, as I assumed that as I lost the weight, my confidence would increase ten fold. Now, I seem to be worrying about what people think of me, their perceptions of me. I used to go out and drink with my friends, I would have no care about what was going on around me, it was just me in my own little world and I was happy with things that way. Now I find myself, out with my friends, looking around and not being able to enjoy myself, I am too worried about how I might be perceived and who was judging me. I haven't kissed or slept with anyone in weeks and I don't feel confident to approach guys the way I used to before and I look around at my friends, doing the things I want to do and doing it so much better than I can. It's not a nice feeling.

I miss parts of the old me, I want to be skinnier/healthier but I didn't count on losing some of my attitude. My family probably think this would be a good thing, that it seems my eyes are open for once. I need my attitude, I need my bravado, I just need to cut out the damaging stuff. I can be nasty to people, I can say things which hurt other peoples feelings, I do drugs, I can drink to much.

I know, this is a gradual process, that one by one I can deal with things.

I look forward to an improvement in my happiness, my health and my attitude. I just want it to happen sooner than later.