The Bad Mood

It's the early hours of a Thursday morning, I am wide awake, sat on my bed, with it its festive appropriate red covers. I am surronded by all kind of things which light up in decoration. Preparations for Christmas, which comes in just a few days, well underway. Work becons me to be up in just a few short hours. I can count down the minutes, telling myself If I fall asleep now, I will get five and a half hours sleep. The same old story.

I haven't been awake at this time, during the week for some time. Falling asleep before 11PM most nights, too exhausted to bother staying awake, to enjoy any extra cirricular activities. This brings me closer to work and every day I curse myself for wasting precious hours sleeping, when I should be awake, reading, listening to music or quietly just being. There is nothing to gain by sleeping, I have decided. 

So, I sit here, with the lights on, the glow and the effect is calming. Music is playing in my ears, I am fighting the sleep because I don't want tomorrow to come any quicker. To feel like a hypocrite. 'You have to pay your bills, why not get this sorted now, make a payment and you won't be disconnected' or 'What is more important, having electricity or buying Christmas presents'. I feel ashamed to have even thought those words, let alone uttered them to someone. 

Debt collection, it takes a certain personality or person. A person that usually pays their own bills most probably. My credit file must read like a who is who of financial organisations both here and in the uk, who I have owed money to at some point or another. There is probably more than half a dozen others who have yet receive any or final payment. So, to be someone that chases down debtors and demand payment, well it is almost laughable. 

It takes up 12 hours of my day, 2 hours preparing myself and making my way to the office, 8 hours of selling my soul and another 2 hours just to calm myself down and make my way home. But the bad mood has been constant since I started and although I try to tell myself that it is only for a few more weeks, I can't seem to shake it off. Leaving this job, will give me great pleasure, more than any other menial or despised job I have hated ever will. It just seems so far away.