Wednesday, 13 March 2013
An Important Appointment.
I got up yesterday, especially early. I needed to fill my day with activities that would tire me out and provide me with a restful sleep. Without a job my sleep pattern consists of sleeping in till noon and staying awake till 4 AM. A pattern I am all to familiar with. I go out and I visit book shops, half the fun is just in the looking, finding that hidden gem, that I will swallow up in a couple of hours and I will feel different for having read it.
I needed to sleep well, be tired because today I had an important appointment. After years of telling myself, I should be in school, I should be doing whatever it takes to become a writer. I should probably explain the reasons why it hasn't happened yet, although its difficult to admit, even if it is just to myself. Not doing something because you are afraid of failure, seems an almost insane reasoning, as the end result is the same either way. You haven't succeeded. But with not trying, I can convince myself that if I did do it, I would be good at it, If I tried and failed, well then I would lose that cushion.
Sleep didn't come easy though, I spent hours preparing some of the work I had done here on this blog, articles about anything else, that didn't reflect badly on me. Work that even I thought was good writing, that would give the admissions board some insight into what I was capable off. It was about 4am, before I was able to switch my mind off. I was worried that I would sleep through my alarm, that I would miss my appointment with the college.
I want to matriculate, I want to learn, I want to show people I am more than what they think of me. I want to write and this appointment could be the first steps towards that goal. I am inexplicably nervous, its a feeling almost alien to me. I haven't been nervous about formal situations like this in a while. The hundreds of job interviews for jobs I didn't want had desensitised me to the somewhat stressful encounters come from someone asking you awkward questions can lead too.
I stood outside, smoked 2 or 3 cigarettes and paced. I think what I was most nervous about, was my complete lack of experience or formal training, having to explain 'Why now?' and what made me think I had the skills or talent. It made me feel exposed and I wasn't even in there yet.
I told my brother about the appointment and I was dismayed when his first reaction was to question, if I would bother going. 'If I couldn't get up and go to work' he said. It wasn't said in a mean or cruel way. I can't even explain to him how different the two are, how I struggle to stay motivated in work because It's not what I want to do with my life. How it doesn't matter. But I can't so I don't.
When I received my email to appear today, it was followed up with a letter. I pull the letter out, make sure I have everything that is requested of me, I check and see if there are any directions to where I must go when I arrive. It's then that I clearly see the day for the first time. Friday.
I feel an overwhelming sense of panic, I retrace my steps and the email without question, confirmed my appointment for this morning at 11am. I am so distracted to that it takes a minute to realise I haven't missed the appointment, its not due to take place until this coming Friday. I breath an audible sigh of relief and head to the office, just to confirm the appointment and make sure there hasn't been some kind of mistake.
The letter it seems is correct and I have a confirmed slot this coming Friday at the same time of 11am. I will have to make sure, that I sleep soundly on Thursday night and go through the nerve wracking process of mentally preparing myself.
I only hope it is worth it.