Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Love Letters On A Dancefloor
It was the wrong time, about 6 months too late, in fact. I wrote about a crush I had, way back in September and this weekend, those thoughts and feelings all came rushing back to me.
I had fully moved on from him, over the past few months, I encouraged him, I laughed with him, we became great friends and I have valued it like gold. This was a good development and it felt organic, I didn't have to try to hard to transition from unrequited loves bitch to awesome friend. So I put it all in a box and stored it away. I was content to be just his friend. Just friends.
It was in the taxi on the way home, after a party. Almost 4 in the morning, I was buzzed from the few drinks I'd had but still fully in control of my faculties. The message was from him, telling him he missed me. I just assumed he was drunk. He told me he missed me, and that he thinks he loves me. It was cute, endearing but it sent my mind racing. I decided there and then, that I wouldn't push it. There was nothing I can do about it now. It was too late, to much time had past and there was so much distance between.
So the next morning, I responded to his messages. I wanted to put him at ease, make sure there would be no awkwardness between us. Make sure everything was cool. The next night however, I was the one who was drunk, with my phone in a club. I told him I hated that he had sent that message and I did hate it. 6 months ago, I would have been ecstatic at this acknowledgment of feelings that I thought were just in my head. But I also told him, I felt the same way.
So I did, what I do when I embarrass myself with someone, I go have meaningless sex with someone, I am barely even interested in. It took my mind off of it. In my adult life, I can remember only feeling like this for one other person. No one else has mattered and it is hard to ignore that.
It feels so silly, I am 26 years old and I am obsessing over messages through Facebook. It took him most of the day to respond. We talked about the fact that there is something there, neither of us expanded on what that something would be. But just that there is a connection. We also agreed that if something should have happened between us, the outcome would have been a whole lot of badness and we would not be friends when all was said and done.
So, now, I have to take everything I have unpacked from that box over the past few days and put it all back in again and just hope our friendship is strong enough to over come this. I think it is. I am just glad, that I don't have to see him every day.