Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Love Letters On A Dancefloor

It was the wrong time, about 6 months too late, in fact. I wrote about a crush I had, way back in September and this weekend, those thoughts and feelings all came rushing back to me.

I had fully moved on from him, over the past few months, I encouraged him, I laughed with him, we became great friends and I have valued it like gold. This was a good development and it felt organic, I didn't have to try to hard to transition from unrequited loves bitch to awesome friend. So I put it all in a box and stored it away. I was content to be just his friend. Just friends.

It was in the taxi on the way home, after a party. Almost 4 in the morning, I was buzzed from the few drinks I'd had but still fully in control of my faculties. The message was from him, telling him he missed me. I just assumed he was drunk. He told me he missed me, and that he thinks he loves me. It was cute, endearing but it sent my mind racing. I decided there and then, that I wouldn't push it. There was nothing I can do about it now. It was too late, to much time had past and there was so much distance between.

So the next morning, I responded to his messages. I wanted to put him at ease, make sure there would be no awkwardness between us. Make sure everything was cool. The next night however, I was the one who was drunk, with my phone in a club. I told him I hated that he had sent that message and I did hate it. 6 months ago, I would have been ecstatic at this acknowledgment of feelings that I thought were just in my head. But I also told him, I felt the same way.

So I did, what I do when I embarrass myself with someone, I go have meaningless sex with someone, I am barely even interested in. It took my mind off of it.  In my adult life, I can remember only feeling like this for one other person. No one else has mattered and it is hard to ignore that.

It feels so silly, I am 26 years old and I am obsessing over messages through Facebook. It took him most of the day to respond. We talked about the fact that there is something there, neither of us expanded on what that something would be. But just that there is a connection. We also agreed that if something should have happened between us, the outcome would have been a whole lot of badness and we would not be friends when all was said and done.

So, now, I have to take everything I have unpacked from that box over the past few days and put it all back in again and just hope our friendship is strong enough to over come this. I think it is. I am just glad, that I don't have to see him every day.


naturgesetz said...

I certainly hope the friendship will survive these "moments of truth." It's not bad that each of you had/has the feelings you had/have; and being able to be open about them is good. It can be awkward when feelings aren't matched on both sides — when one person has a crush or is in love, but the other doesn't/isn't. But as long as there's no acting on the feelingshopefully you can live with it.

Jay M. said...

Surprising how things you think are over take a twist. I hope you can remain friends, even if the rest is water under the bridge. The last time something similar happened to me, the outcome wasn't pretty.

Peace <3

Jason Shaw said...

friendships that are meant to last do so, because the two people value them because of what has gone before and what is yet to come. Being open with each other is the key, with any kind of friendship I feel, which you seem to have managed, so it will last if you want it to.

Biki said...

I think it might take a good while to pack these feelings away. But if you did it once, you can certainly do it again, lets just hope this is the last time.

Tis quite odd how mistiming can change what could have been a great relationship, been there, done that, over the regrets. But still it lingers in the back of my mind, what if????

Queer Heaven said...

I love your use of "I put it in a box" Totally perfect! I have one of those also. I peek inside once in awhile,but then shut the top quickly.

I hope you are better at this than I have been.

Hetero-Challenged said...

I can't imagine being friends with someone I have "those" types of feelings for.

Unlike you, and it's probably a bad thing, I just go to "Unrequited Love's Bitch" and stay there.