I don't like how these feelings are effecting me. I am never one for talking about my feelings, I don't feel comfortable divulging that information. Although I am happy to listen to others if they need to get something of their chest. I have never felt like this for anyone before and I have never had such a need to dissect it, to the point where I was obsessing about it. Having never really talked about my feelings for someone special with my friends before, I was surprised that I could not stop talking about him and the situation we have found ourselves in, going over it again and again, getting a different perspective. I have never been so forthright in showing my vulnerability before. Knowing that he read my post about him, didn't help.
I planned to cut him out for a while, to get over it. I thought that not speaking to him or engaging him, would force me to move on. But I didn't stop to think how he might feel about that. Apart of me wanted to not care and I told myself that his feelings didn't matter, I was doing what I needed to do to fix this. But then he went away for a week and we had no contact and I didn't like it. Knowing he read what I had written, that I had written in the moment and basically laid all my feelings on the table, has been a mixed bag. I think in order to move on from this, he needs to know it, we need to talk about it and I need to get it all of my chest. But I think a small part of me, was hoping once he read it, that I would get some kind of confirmation, that he felt something too.
So I sent him a message on Friday, telling him that I would get over this and in years to come, we will probably laugh about it. But what I want is closure, I need him to tell me that he doesn't feel the same way I do. Tell me it will never happen. He doesn't have to be gentle, I want him to be completely honest and frank with me. Then I can take this situation, absorb the lesson and then bury it.
If there is any good to come from this mess, I think its in letting myself get so exposed. I can never do things the conventional way, I can't just meet a boy, like him and be with him and everything be OK No, I have to fall for someone who is not right for me, is too far away and worst of all, doesn't feel the same way. It's almost funny. But I haven't liked anyone for a really long time. I was almost worried that I would never like anyone again, even people I have dated in the last 12 months or so, perfectly nice boys too, left no lasting effects. In hindsight, its probably because they weren't him. I went out last Saturday, a couple of days after he left and told me he had read the blog. I was thinking about it and I wanted to drink and dance and sleep with a stranger, just to get my mind of him, so that's what I did.
But the time has come now, to get the fuck over this, return to the status quo and just be friends again. It would be easier to cut him off completely, delete him from Facebook, delete his number and pretend he never existed. But I really do value our friendship, I like being his confidant, I like being able to confide in him. So once we have the talk, which I am hoping will happen in the next few days, I am hoping we can return to that place.