Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Day Five - Taking My Own Life
The fact, that I have not just thought about it, but attempted it, is one the biggest reasons, I am as confident today, as I am. It happened at a time when I was feeling at my lowest, I was fat and this made me horribly insecure about my looks and for consortium of reasons, I had no friends. Throw in some very complicated family problems and you have a very fucked up 16 year old. Even though I tried and failed twice, ending up in hospital both times, it took a couple of years for me to really get it and understand exactly where the line was, and how to make sure I never cross it again.
My memory of the time is a little jaded but I recall it being really sudden, like waking up one morning and finding out that my life sucked. There was no time to adjust it or even try and make changes, it just was. The second time was really just an extension of the first, nothing changed and in fact, I found the feeling of emptiness had intensified and it felt like everything was closing in on me. Despite everything going on, I want to make clear, that it was never about being gay. Ironically, that was something that came and went without too much need for self-reflection, I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed about it. It was who I was. Both attempts occurred in the Summer of 2003, 13 whole years ago and it wasn't until later that year and early into the next, that my confidence started to grow. This I remember this period very clearly and without sounding to cliché, it was a fog that lifted and I started to get better, look better and feel better.
I don’t remember exactly when the penny dropped, when I stopped worrying about how I looked or stop being so shut off from meeting new people. But gradually, I began to find a really secure sense of self and now I am probably one of the most confident people you have ever met. Throw me into a room full of people and I have no trouble talking to absolutely anyone and everyone.
Now I am despite, whatever problems I might have, fucking awesome. I genuinely feel like my self-confidence is soaring on a daily basis.