When I think of all the people that I have been seriously attracted too, in one way or another, I have to admit, it is a struggle to pick one defining feature that each of those people possesses. Qualities in one, which might seem endearing in, might seem repulsive in another. I don’t want to bring the conversation or topic back to HIM. But when writing about this kind of thing, it seems inevitable. He is the only person, where I can look back on the things that drew me to him and feel them like they are tangible objects that I can touch and feel. We are polar opposites in a lot of ways, he is conscientious and considerate, where I am sloppy and lack tact. He seems passive when life knocks him, quietly waiting for the moment to pass, where as I tend to run into things head first. He seems to shy away from confrontation and I can’t seem to keep myself out of one conflict or another. He is more in control of his own life, happiness and finances and of course I seem to tether on the edge, allowing whatever to come what may.
I can tell myself all the reasons we are not together, is because we are so different or we are too far apart but I know that root cause is simply the fact he doesn’t feel the same way about me, which in its own strange way, seems okay with me. Unrequited love or lust, has the benefit of being a piece of putty to the imagination, to be shaped and molded into whatever shape you want it. The reality of it would be somewhat different.
But what exactly is it that attracts to me to him. As shallow as it sounds, It is his looks, he is a very handsome man and that handsomeness is just confounded by the fact that he is a warm, kind and generous person. It runs deeper than that I admit, I feel connection with him and I genuinely do believe he feels that connection with me. It’s hard to put a noun to it or an adjective to how it makes me feel. But I felt it and it is there. Not having him holds its own appeal as the id wants what it can’t get and I am not exception. The reason fantasy is so fantastical because you have to dream about what is you can’t have. If you can’t aspire to it or to own it, then the fantasy dies. I can think of nothing more attractive than wanting what I can’t have.