Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Irrational Moments, Magic Moments.
It was something I didn't want to happen but if I am being honest, I knew it would. If he was to read this, I wouldn't want him to feel bad or have his feelings hurt. But I fucking hate HIM.
I don't really but at the moment, I hate everything he does. When we talk and he tells me he is going for drinks with our friends in Manchester my head screams 'Fuck him and his fucking drinks, who the fuck is he to reject me'. It's all completely insane and irrational. But it is what it is.
When he tells me how is day has been, I rage, stoically on the inside of course 'Why don't you shut your whore mouth'. But then I ask him how he is and he asks me and we continue on as normal. There was a precipitating event that lead to this sudden diversion down irrationalities path. He went on a date.
I wish him all the happiness in the world, as I said before, we are looking for very different things and we both have different standards when it comes to prospective life partners, so if he was to find someone that fit the mould, then I would accept it and be happy for him. But the reason he doesn't feel the same way I do for him, is because he I am too much of a fuck up for him. I am a hurricane that would swirl into his town and destroy it and thats ok. We like what we like.
But he went on a date with someone, someone we both know, although he didn't know it at the time and that guy is even more of monumental fuck up than I am. If I am a hurricane, then this guy is a sweeping black hole that consumes everything in his path. He didn't know that at the time but I was quick to put him straight, but I know that he has thought about him, he has considered taking it further and that quite frankly pisses me the fuck off.
I move to Manchester at the end of September and I know this little tude will pass and although everything about him right now, fills me with rage, disappointment and disdain, there is that little part of me, that is holding out for him, but right now, I can't fucking stand him and that feels good.
But a kind word, or him confiding in me, brings me right back and I will remember that he is sweet, and kind and nurturing, loyal and faithful, everything I am not and I love him again. It would be cute if it wasn't so tragic.