I can't remember a time when I have felt so emotionally raw about things I cannot control. I am holding it together, to try and make the next few days, my brothers last few days, as fun and comfortable as possible. Karl, my older brother, leaves for a new job and a new life in New Zealand on Wednesday morning. I am indescribably happy and excited for him and selfishly I am devastate for me, I can't begin to fathom how much I will miss him and how difficult it will be to be so far away from him.
I wondered to myself many times, since I found out he was leaving for pastures new, would I be happy if he didn't go. If there was something that kept him here, like he changed his mind, which would be unlikely or if the offer was rescinded. That question was answered just the other day. It was early in the morning, when I received a text message from him, and the thumbnail of the message said his job had emailed him. In the mere second it took me to open the message, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind. Why would he be contacting me so early, had something gone wrong? My heart was in my mouth and it was then I realised that regardless of how I feel about it and how much I will miss him, I am genuinely happy that he is taking this opportunity and I am excited for the him and the adventure he is about to go on. Knowing that he has been leaving, we have inevitably spent a lot of time together these past few weeks. As we had dinner yesterday evening with our friends, It hit me that he would be gone in a just a few days time and we wouldn't be having dinner together for a while, or going for drives and talking about our lives and our loves, sharing memories good and bad, we wouldn't be clubbing together or even arguing and it crushed me. I am dreading Wednesday and the sense of foreboding literally feels like it is crushing my chest. It almost hurts.
On top of that HIM, read my post about how I have been feeling last week and he was angry, upset and shocked and I don't blame him, although I don't name him, he doesn't like the fact I write about him, but I think he accepts it, as I write about all aspects of my life on here, good and bad. I don't like being mad at him, irrational or not and I most certainly don't like him being mad at him. I feel the way I do, there is no denying this and I am patiently waiting for it to pass but the way I have been feeling lately, fragile. It's not been easy. I return to Manchester in a month and I am excited and nervous about that and I don't need these feelings lingering in the background, whilst I try and sort my life out. I don't want it to be about him, I just want to be his friend, without any underlying awkwardness or tension. Absolutely no subtext. He told me, that because I feel the way I do, he cannot be there for me, as I deal with Karl leaving, out of everything he has said to me ever, some of the more hurtful things, don't even come close to this. I am worried I may have pushed him to far. I spoke about the entire situation with an unrelated friend of mine, who doesn't know him but knows me well. His wisdom and outside perspective did me good, and he was quick to point out about my previous worries about not being able to love anyone, in a romantic sense and in the years to come, I will probably look back on this entire situation and laugh. Both of us will. Although I am not anywhere close to that yet. I just want to be right with him. There has been so much going on, I am barely dealing with it to be honest.