Although not unwelcome, my work day goes unusually quickly. It seems that whole hours are passing by in what feels like moments. When you are excited about something, it is usually the case that time seems to drag its heels, you clock watch till you can switch off your computer and get the hell out of there. Well today it is different, I am dreading something so much, that my day is intent of frog marching me there in no time at all.
I tried to keep distracted until the time came to leave, I showered, I listened to music, I ate but the sense of foreboding never left. Tonight, is the night that we aim to put everything behind us and in order to do that, we need to talk about what went on between us. Between me and HIM.
I am sitting across from him, he has just finished night school and hasn't eaten since earlier this morning, so he really needs to get some food before we start our discussion. I get a hot chocolate, not that I particularly want one, I just want something to do with my hands. We talk about other things first, whilst he eats. In my head I practice what I want to say and I worry it won't come out that way.
Saving our friendship is the goal, it is not about what might have been, what could have happened. We know we are not right for each other but we have never told each other the reasons why and to finally get the chance too is as unwanted almost as it welcomed. In the past few months, since this has come out, since I was so frank about our feelings, our relationship as friends has been at risk. It was triggered by a social engagement, where we spent some time alone together and during that time, the very notion that we had never discussed it, frankly and in person just seemed so ridiculous that it was all I could focus on and I finally decided that enough was enough and requested that we finally do so.
But it comes easier than I expected, neither of us are being coy and I am surprised and delighted when after he is done eating, he tackles the issue head on. We talk and don't hold back, we reconfirm with each other, why we won't work. I bring up all the unspoken things that have caused so much tension and he tells me how it has affected him. As the conversation carries on, the tension is evaporating and I am being honest with him and some of the things I say, the level of truth I am reaching has never been seen outside of my blood kin.
We both manage to get our points across and by the time we are done, as the cliche goes I feel like I am light as a feather. I take the long way home and I listen to music and I can't stop smiling. We should have done this months ago but that is not important, it is now done and it feels fantastic to be not carrying this around anymore. I unexpectedly have all this free space.
HIM was a name I gave to not just the persons with whom I let my affections lie, it was also a reference to entire back catalogue of thoughts, disappointments and frustrations. Pages and pages of questions, what ifs and why nots. It dehumanized him, so it was something, not someone. But with that line in the sand drawn, he will always now be just my friend. My friend Andrew.
That is wonderful.