Sunday, 23 February 2014

No Connection Found

I was regaling my brother with a story about a guy I was dating and how I wanted to break up with him and having explained the reasons why, my brother joked 'You will end up alone unless you give people a chance' and we both laughed because we both know I can be quite picky and that I may have some expectations which some might describe as unreasonable.

I have been in relationships before, most have been unremarkable but the longest and most significant in terms of impact, which I didn't even realise until recently, still affects me today. It lasted just under two years. In the beginning, it was exciting, none of my friends and family approved and I was very attracted to him on a physical level. But once that initial flame started to die out, I can look back and see that we merely just existed together, we would fight and argue constantly or else we would just go about our days as normal and in the evenings, we would cook and then watch TV on the couch. We would never talk, but he would be constantly touching me. My wrists or my hands, running his fingers through my hair. There would always be some kind of physical connection to me. Like he needed constant reassurance that not only was I there, that I wasn't going anywhere.

I found myself eerily reliving this experience this week. I was dating a boy for the past few weeks and he we were sat on my couch and he kept touching my hands, my wrist, running his fingers through my hair. The TV was on and there was not a word being exchanged between the two of us. It was like I had a brief glimpse to my past and into our future. I didn't like it one bit.

There were other signs that this guy might turn out to be too needy for me, that there was some underlying issues that he only knew how to combat by being in a relationship. But these clues are hard to see at first, when everything is still kind of new and when it should be exciting. Although I haven't much experience in dating or love, I am confident that I know what I want and that is not another ball and chain.

Having resolved my issues with Andrew over the past two months or so, I had opened myself more to dating and possibly falling in love. I loved Andrew, or more I should say that I loved the idea of myself and Andrew together and it is a shame because I have never been quite able to put my finger on what exactly it was that made him and the idea of us as a couple, so special. So I could try and identify that spark in other people.

So as I sat on the couch with this new guy, his hands moving up and down me, he played with my wrist, draped his legs over mine, ran his fingers through my hair. I froze. This man was not the one for me and I know now that he was not interesting enough for me. As arrogant as this sounds. There has to be some spark, even just at first. Some common connection that doesn't really have a name but is always there. It binds people together. I wanted to turn the TV, to touch him back and to ask about his life, his friends, his family, his goals, fears and failures. Previous attempts at discussing our lives, always went one way, he would turn the conversation back to how he was looking forward to seeing me, or that he was sexually aroused.

This in itself was a red flag that I hadn't really noticed until now, a flag which indicated that other areas of his life were not as important as being in a relationship and although I may be wrong, I had a feeling that he is defined by whatever relationship he is in, or whomever he may be dating.  As I thought more about this and applied this to past experiences, I guess he picked up on my change of mood because although it was late and we had plans for him to stay over he opted to drive home and I opted not to contest.

In the grand scheme of things, this was just one of many liaisons which have ended in similar circumstances of indifference. The only difference in this case, is that it could possibly have been my first prospective relationship since Andrew. Before Andrew, I had never had such strong feelings for another person before and despite it going nowhere. I was glad that I was at least capable of such feeling, so I was optimistic about it happening again. I just assumed that finding that spark would be easy.

But the last thing I want is another 2 year prison term, another unhappy relationship spent tied to another person and not saying anything.


Queer Heaven said...

Ian, I was so glad to see you posed today.
I really miss reading your blog and finding how ho you are doing.

It sounds like you are really getting to know what you want and what you need from a relationship.

Jay M. said...

I think you're dead on the money. It's like a Supreme Court Justice once said here - "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it". The same applies to love, connection, compatibility. I/you might not be able to define it, but you sure as heck know when it happens, and when it doesn't. I do know that if a relationship doesn't work out, I'd try to be compassionate and kind in "letting him go". I know that's how I'd want to be treated.

Love is found when you least expect it, at least that is my take on it. If you quit trying you'll never find it. Good luck!

Peace <3

LMB said...

As my Granpappy once said, "Life is all experiences wrapped in choices. Live a full life of "I did's". Cause, woe is the man who lived a life full of "I shoulda's".

Dean Grey said...

But isn't that what dating and going on dates is all about?

Seeing if there's chemistry and if it lasts.

This sounds normal to me, Ian.