There are times that give moments to quiet reflection, where you cannot help but take stock of what you have going for you. Almost 2AM in the morning, spluttering and coughing seems just a good a time as any.
Only a few days ago, my friend described me as 'tap dancing my way through life' and in a certain way I am. I certainly am one for living in the moment - wild nonsensical actions leading to all kinds of happy memories but not a single shred of planning. Planning for the future, putting things aside for a rainy day, predicting unseen circumstances and consequences.
When bad thing happen, I tell myself I should care more, pay heed to whatever warning it might be giving off. I was handed an eviction notice just over a week ago and the mature side of me wants to say 'Woah. that really isn't good' but the reasons behind it are like a confirmation that I am 'fun, spontaneous' and 'tap dancing my way through life'
So I cough and I splutter and I listen to sad music and I tell myself that it is okay to feel bad about things, even if it is just for a few hours because here alone, I have no reputation to live up to. I can let the bad thoughts creep and take hold and let my head do what it does very naturally. It lets them in, they stay and party for a while and then they leave. The process continues on and on.
So on nights like this, I consider it health to dwell on thoughts and feelings like, how much I miss my brother, how far away he is and how that distance will continue to grow. Insecurities, loneliness, doubt, worry and guilt. They all get their 15 minutes in the limelight, so when morning comes the light is not just literal and I can continue on and rock the fuck out of my day...
...so I can continue to 'tap dance my way through life'