Mind Of Mine

Criminal Conviction.

2012-02-14T22:00:00.000Z

You might remember, last month, I shared the story of my being arrested with you. If not, you can read it here.

You might note that I might have been rather flippant about the whole affair. Laughing it off as just one of those things that sometimes happens to us. Well, I can assure you now, there is nothing laugh worthy happening right now. Last week, I had to answer bail for the incident, I had just started my new job and it was scheduled for the afternoon and I couldn't make it till almost 18.30. I was re-bailed again for today, the day of love.

I wasn't that worried, I was expecting that I would be re-bailed again for a later date and sometime between then, notification that the issue had been dropped. All that came crashing down this evening when I was informed I was being formally charged with Common Assault - Contrary to the Criminal Justice Act 1988, for those who wanted the specifics.

When I was first arrested I didn't take legal counsel, I didn't even feel it was necessary, I didn't want to waste anyone's time. Anyone else's that is. So when I got the charges and the bail conditions, I considered representing myself. I guess, I still wasn't taking it seriously, even then.

I have a keen interest in the law, especially criminal law, I enjoy the philosophy and theology behind it and I figured, that I probably wouldn't have the chance to represent myself in court again and what a good way to make the best of what seemed a really silly situation. So, I get home, still optimistic that I was doing the right thing, secure in the knowledge that I didn't do anything wrong.

But as I began to research the charge, what it entailed, what it meant, how I would defend myself against it, I started to get upset. I was mad, I am mad! There are so many holes and inconsistencies in the entire process that were not followed, no option to respond to the charges. The Common Assault charge should have applied to all parties involved but only applies to myself and my friend Ali.

My charge had some bail conditions though, I have to attend an Alcohol intervention program at least once before the court date and I am not allowed within a license premises within the City Centre until my court date which take place on March 7th.

Now, and I hate to sound like some kind of soap boxer - but I want justice! I have sent some emails to some solicitors and preparing everything to defend myself in court. Legal aid is not always reliable, so I plan on being as heavily involved in my defense as possible.

A Meme for Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T21:16:00.000Z

1. What is your favorite romantic comedy?

I really had to think about this one, romantic comedies are not one of my all time favourite genres. I thought of the obvious ones, Legally Blond, Miss Congeniality. But those examples are more about the laugh's and the romance angle is not what draws me to them. But, I guess my all time favourite romantic comedy, which leaves me feeling all warm and lovey dubby inside would be The Sweetest Thing. It has the right mix of both - Laugh out loud comedy and a beautiful yet studly love interest. Also, the immortal lines.

HELLO IS JANE THERE?

HAVE A LOVELY DAY!!

2. What are your favorite flowers?

Can you go wrong with roses? I wouldn't want traditional red ones though, not just red anyway, a mixture of Red, White and Yellow and a colour I didn't even know they bloomed in. That would be awesome. But, they would have to be sent anonymously.

3. What is your favorite Valentine's Day treat to eat?

Cadbury's milk tray! It was the best thing about Valentine's Day when I was younger, My Mom got Chocolates!

4. Describe your best Valentine's Day.

It would involve a fun fair, all my best date scenarios are me at a fun fair. There probably wouldn't even have to be a date. Anyway, we would go on all the rides of course. But I prefer to be the one that does the planning and I would arrange that there be an empty compartment on a ferris wheel or something like that. Oh who am I kidding, my ideal Valentines day would be lighting some candles and having sex near them. Then ordering take out and falling asleep, content and full of starch.

5. What has been the most romantic night of your life?

It wasn't long after the Big Gay weekend for Manchester pride and my then boyfriend and I, where out late, just walking around. We both needed to get out of our apartment. We managed to find ourselves on the roof of this really tall building in the city. We lay down looking at the stars, the lights of the city. We probably stayed there for about 2 hours, talking about silly things, kinda just holding each other. Even as I write that I can feel the bile rise - It sounds really cheesy but It really was a special night.

6. What's your go to date night outfit?

Ermmm, I wouldn't plan on wearing much clothing. I would probably put on my best underwear though!

7. Where is your favorite place to go on a date?

Recalling one of my earlier answers, A fun-fair. I really enjoy funfair's and I find the anticipation and exhilaration of a ride, to be kind of exciting and to share that with a date, can be fun. I find myself, attracted to people who are fun, who are funny and know how to laugh and scream. Either that or I have a serious fun fair fetish.

8. Store bought Valentine's or homemade?

It doesn't really matter to me, presents are not that important too me. But I do love surprises.

9. What is your favorite love song?

10. If you had to pick a date for Valentine's who would it be?

There are two people, I have crush's on right now. Neither of them any good for me and I have a strange feeling once Valentines Day passes, they will pass. However, I have been single for 3 years now, I think it's time.

The Social Experiment.

2012-02-01T08:23:00.000Z

It's now 11.24am and I have been awake for almost four hours. I managed to get to sleep at about 11.30pm and had a restful nights sleep. For what seems like the first time in weeks. I thought, now would be an excellent time to give you the results of my 5 a day challenge.

The idea behind the challenge was to speak to 5 different people a day, people who I normally would not speak to on a regular basis. I excluded people like my housemates, whom I speak to everyday and my best friends that I speak to several times a day/week. I chose only to use phone, online chats and face to face interactions as part of the experiment.

I will admit, my motivation waned halfway through the week as I was spent a lot of time socially with my friends anyway, but I still kept on with it. I won't go through the details of all the people I spoke too, but will give you the highlights.

I had decided on the experiment on the way to my interview last Monday, I thought I just had to get the interview out of the way and I could get on with it. However, I managed to build up such a rapport with the interviewer, I felt that she had contributed to my 5 a day. When the interview was done, we probably spent an additional 10-20 minutes talking about movies and TV. So, I wasn't surprised, when a few hours later I was informed I got the job.

After the interview, I headed to Ali's work. I spoke to his manager Natalia and his colleague Artie, I already knew both and had spoken to them for short periods on a couple of occasions. Natalia more so than Artie, however I had not spoken to them for a while and I thought, what better excuse would I have.

One of the more enjoyable calls, was to an a guy called Doug. I have known Doug for about a year and I have to admit we didn't get off to the best start, we had a misunderstanding and although it was settled, I still felt a hint of frost between the two of us. Let's just say Doug is one of those people that is great to talk to on the phone, he told me about his interesting day, asked about mine, was enthusiastic about the challenge. It was fun.

I didn't just speak to people I knew. I also opted into speaking with complete strangers This was a little more challenging because I couldn't just go up to people on the street and start asking them random questions. When I am propping up a bar, I am the most social person you have ever met. One of the more interesting encounters with a stranger, was the guy who asked me for a light, so he could have a cigarette. When he took the lighter, I seized the opportunity to ask him how his day went, if he had answered with a simple fine. I would have let it go....but he didn't. 'Not good' he sighed, dropping the polite look of his face. 'How come' I gently pushed - He went on to tell me that he had just, a couple of hour previously, found his girlfriend, in the back of their car, having sex with someone else!

A special mention needs to go out to the 'Sandwich Artist' in Subway, who told me all about her lost passport. The drunk girl from 'The Millstone Pub' who loved my singing voice and loved the idea of the challenge. The super smart and equally beautiful Scott, who discussed politics with me before I managed to get him to listen to Bon Iver, in return I listened to some Boney M. Ryan, who listened to my housemate woe's and told me all about his move to London. Stephen, who shared my disappointment at Tilda Swinton, who did not get a nomination for We Need To Talk About Kevin. To Mark, who shared some really personal things with me. Josh, who told me about all the nothing he would do all day on his time off. To everyone I bugged with a slightly over enthusiastic 'How are you!'.

There are some people on the list, who I would definitely want to maintain a regular rapport with. I guess I managed to make some new acquaintances with people and maybe strengthened some of the friendships I have.

There was no part of this experiment that wasn't fun.

The 5 A Day Challenge

2012-01-24T19:47:00.000Z

These past few weeks have been sort of difficult for me. I have been out of work for a while now and it was really starting to get to me. On Sunday night I had an epiphany of sorts. No one was going to get me out of this rut but me.

I had a job interview yesterday and I told myself, I was going to get it - and I did. That was just part one of my plan. You see, whilst I was out of work and in my rut, I was spending all day couped up in my room and not really doing much of anything. The only people I spoke to were my housemates, Tom and Pete and my close friends, who called or I was still managing to socialise with.

It was on Sunday that I thought to myself, why am I not speaking to more people, I am usually a social butterfly. It was then that I thought of the 5 a day challenge. The idea is to speak to 5 different people a day, people who were not my close friends, family or roommates, people I was interested in getting to know more but whom I never really got the chance to speak to regularly or at all. I also extended this challenge to people I have never even met.

I am already on day 2 and so far its been a very interesting experience but also a very enjoyable one. Calling up people and asking how there day went and also talking about my day has been an immensely positive experience.

I plan to write a more detailed post once the challenge has been completed but I have a feeling that I will continue to call more people everyday and just ask 'so how has your day been'.

Melancholy Man - 9 Questions

2012-01-23T03:11:00.000Z

1. Are you more melancholy on occasion?

I don't believe I am more or less melancholy than most people. Especially not in the last few years. There were times when I seemed to be feeling down for a long time. I have my moments though, I get emotional, I worry about things. But generally, I seem to be happy. Despite any problems I might have.

2. What did you think you looked like when you were a teenager?

I was fat! I was! At about 16/17 years old, I weighed about 18 stone. I wasn't a very happy or well adjusted teenager and I ate those feelings away. I weigh between 13 and 14 stone now, not ideal but no where near as big as I used to be.

3. Whose advice are you least likely to listen to?

When I need practical advice I usually go to my friend Paul, he is a solicitor and he has a good head on his shoulders and he can usually put things in perspective. When I need comfort or just someone to tell me how right I am, even if I may be wrong - but I need cheering up, I go to my friend Ali or Michael. I love Michael's advice it is usually practical and hilarious at the same time.

4. Tell us about a job that you liked when you were younger.

The best job I ever had was working at McDonald's. A lot of people rag on the whole McJob thing but most people who work or have worked there will say the same thing. They are awesome places to work. I started working there when I was 16, I worked in the evenings and weekends. I had so much fun and I made so many new friends. This was when the weight started to fall off. I worked there for about 3 years and when I left I was a shift manager. The only reason I left was due to the fact I was moved to another restaurant that was not ran very well, did not have the same atmosphere or sense camaraderie. It was the staff versus the management team and morale was so low. I sometimes think it would be fun to go back.....

5. Would you lie to someone if you knew the truth would end your friendship or relationship?

Yes, I probably would. It would all depend on what it was I knew. I can't think of any examples because I haven't really been in that situation.

6. What do you have little or no patience for?

I have patience for most things but I suppose, people who lie or make up situations or circumstances which make them seem more exciting. You know the ridiculous type of stories which make no sense and seem to happen to them all the time.

I have known people who seem to have been mugged, raped, not paid correctly from work when money is owed, not been paid at all. Have met countless celebrities and seemed to have the craziest adventures, without a single photo or scrap of evidence.

7. What is there never enough hours in the day to do?

There is enough hours in the day to everything. I am not working at the minute so for me, it seems like there are too many hours in the day to keep myself occupied.

8. What is the most productive thing that you accomplished in October?

Ermmm, I had an awesome Halloween party? does that count?

9. What have you always wanted to learn but haven't yet?

To play the guitar. I will do it, I will.....

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

2012-01-17T21:41:00.001Z

When January comes, we all tend to make resolutions, even if that resolution is to not make any at all. We want to lose some weight, cut our alcohol intake, quit smoking etc. Every year, we all do it. Even if we don't admit it to anyone or even ourselves.

But then there are those of us who make more radical resolutions. Sure I have quit smoking recently but that has been on the cards for a while, I have a real one, one I want to see through all the way to the end. I have been single for almost 3 years now. My last relationship ended in January 2009, after months of awfulness, I finally ended it. I was completely fine about the fact it was finally done with. Relieved even.

I turned 25 years old this past November and I would like to have my heart broken before I hit the ripe old age of 26. Which doesn't give me much time. I suppose you are wondering why I would want to go through something like that. Well, it is very simple really, I just want to experience it. I want to know how it feels to fall in love, make all these plans for the future and to have someone strip them all away and to not have any say in the matter. To get to listen to Adele and have a better understanding as to what she is on about, to cry because I get what she is saying so much - because I would have been there.

It might make me sound crazy but I think it might make me a more emphatic person, nicer and more understanding. It also might prevent me from being so closed off, I have loved before until it fizzled out and I couldn't stand it anymore. I haven't been the slightest bit interested in getting to another one since. I don't want to feel that way, I want to be more open.

I am not lonely, I have never been seriously lonely. But I do sometimes wonder that one day I might be and it might be too late.

So I have a few short months to meet someone, fall in love - head over heels in love, have them leave or cheat on me and for me to be an emotional mess. Listen to 'Someone Like Me' on repeat, in my PJ's - for days on end, eating copious amounts of ice cream and ya know going through the whole awful break up thing.

That is doable right?

Getting Arrested - In Police Custody

2012-01-16T23:48:00.000Z

I debated with myself whether to blog about this or not, it doesn't exactly paint me in the best light. But then I thought, this wouldn't be the first thing that I have done or that has happened to me which makes me look bad.

It was supposed to be a quiet Friday night in. Food, movies, chat and some wine. It started that way at least, my friend Ali came round and I cooked some bacon and muffins, chatted about what I had done the previous few days, gossiped about people we knew. Then we started drinking the wine....

I don't usually like to drink in the house, for me drinking needs music and dancing. As it goes, I am not a massive drinker, I just really like to go out. So when we had polished off nearly 2 bottles of wine, I just wanted to go out so badly! It didn't take much to convince Ali. Neither of us had much money or any money for that matter.

We got out, hit a couple of bars, seen of few of our friends, danced a little.....

My memory is a little bit hazy, I was obviously drunk. But there happened to be altercation with some guys from a straight club in the same area of of the Village. Before I knew it, the police were there and Ali was being arrested. Dempsey Ali's boyfriend then showed up, and Ali was freaking out. I was trying to calm him down when, advise him that the police were not just going to let him go, whilst I was saying this a police officer asked me to turn around and I was placed in handcuffs.

We didn't really do anything wrong apart from defend ourselves but regardless of that we were drunk in public. We were put into the back of a police van, which happened to have someone else already in there, a guy named Michael, who liked to sing. As the van set of to take us to the police station he was singing so loudly and Ali and I were in absolute hysterics. We even put in a request for Walking on Sunshine, which he sang without question, it is like our theme tune so Ali and I sang along.

Unfortunately, this was not the first time I have been arrested and I thought once we were booked in, we would be separated and put in out cells until we had sobered up, be interviewed and then released by mid day at the latest. It didn't really pan out that way though, I was interviewed at midday by a police constable, who was so nice to both of us. But we didn't get out until after 4pm. It was possibly the longest 12 hours of my life, sitting in a cell, with no mental stimuli apart from the Detention code. Boring.

It was experience to say the least, when I got home, I was in desperate need for a shower and some food. I refused food at the station as there was no way I was eating a meal beside a toilet and every time they asked, morning and mid afternoon, I assumed we wouldn't be there much longer, I was obviously wrong.

Through out all of this, drinking, getting arrested stress.....I didn't smoke. Smoke free for 7 whole days.

The New Year Crash

2012-01-13T01:01:00.000Z

Its been over 10 days since my last post, a shitty Twitter post at that. But I haven't really been in a blogging place lately.

I guess I crashed from all the excitement of the past few weeks. Moving back to Dublin, moving back again to Manchester, Christmas and New Year all took a lot out of me and the days following my epic New Years Eve celebrations seen me crash....hard. Sleeping all day and awake all night, you know how it is. The last couple of days I have had to really fight my way out of the pattern I had let myself get into. My sleeping pattern is back to normal..ish. I am not waking up at the crack of dawn but I am not waking up in the early evening either.

I have been looking for work, a lot but I know this time of year is not the best time for recruiting and I am trying to be patient but I am ready to throw myself back into employment now. I need the distraction and I also need the money. I am interviewing at a few places, none particularly desirable but they will also pay the bills. If I get them that is....

I haven't had a cigarette, drink of alcohol or pill in almost 3 days. This is HUGE for me! I am a creature of habit, bad habits and to go with out these items for any more than a few hours is a massive deal!

I have done lots of fun stuff this week though. I went to Sarah Milligan present her new show for the BBC, we were all sat in the audience. My friend Paul and his sister Khristy got us the tickets but I got us the awesome seats. One of the producers approached us and asked us did we have any scars with interesting story. I told him about the scar on my nose that I got when I was rolling around a pole in a club and hit my face, it exploded in blood, I just wiped it off and carried on dancing. I initially said no but when he approached again, I told him I would do it if he got us some decent seats. The show was good, the re-takes were a little bit tiresome and the guests were not massively famous. But it was still very enjoyable. The warm up guy, who entertained the crowd during breaks and slow bits was absolutely fucking hilarious.

Yesterday, a few of us went to a Zumba class and went to see The Iron Lady at the cinema. I enjoyed the movie, thought Meryl Street was wonderful as Thatcher but there were some scenes and moments which were unintentionally hilarious.

I am trying to stay optimistic and make sure I fall into another rut again.

I will keep you posted.

Twitter

2012-01-02T23:16:00.000Z

I am now on Twitter. Follow me IJBrooks!

Happy New Year.

2011-12-31T16:20:00.002Z

Wishing all my readers and everyone I have ever met, in my whole entire life a Happy New Year.

See you all next year.

Mind Of Mine.

At The End Of The Christmas Day

2011-12-25T23:39:00.001Z

It is just a few minutes past Eleven and I think I have posted 4 times today already, that is a record for me. So my apologies if I have been hogging up your Google Reader. My Christmas Day is drawing to close and I just thought I would recap.

I am sat on the couch, the only light in the room is from the Christmas Tree fairy lights and a scented vanilla candle which stands on the mantle piece. Tom, my housemate is asleep beside me and my kitchen is an absolute mess. I am feeling rather content, warm and comfortable.

I spent Christmas Eve all by myself for the first time in my life and although I knew I would be cooking for me and Tom, I was very worried that today would be awful. But it wasn't awful. It was wonderful. I missed by family of course but I knew that they would all be spending the day together and I got to speak to my Mother on the phone.

I learnt late last night that my friends Josh and Shane were also staying in Manchester and wouldn't be spending Christmas with their families either, just like me and Tom. There was plenty of food to spare and everyone was pleased with the finished result. I cooked a turkey joint, with brussel sprouts, chestnuts and red onion. I also cooked some broccoli, cauliflower, roasted some parsnips and made some mash potatoes. For dessert we had a toffee swirl cheesecake, chocolate gateaux with cream and Ferrero Rochers.

I gave the guys cards and as I was feeling the Christmas spirit, I wrote some heartfelt words in them. We just chatted over dinner, shared gossip and some memories. Shane used to live in this house and we reminisced about former bad housemates and our annoying neighbours. After dinner, we convened in the living room and watched Annie. I sat with Tom on the couch, my legs on his lap and Josh and Shane sat on the chairs, within minutes Shane was asleep.

I have made it known before, that I love to watch the soaps on Christmas day as they are usually extra special, so we watched Coronation Street and Eastenders, whilst snacking on Cadbury chocolates. The return of Absolutely Fabolous was on BBC1 this evening too and Tom and I were super excited to watch it. It was hilarious and I can't wait to see the next new episode on New Years Day.

Shane and Josh have left and Tom is sleeping. I am so appreciative to have great friends with whom I could share this day with. I didn't receive any presents and I didn't need to. It truly was a wonderful day, simple yet still......wonderful.

Christmas Dinner

2011-12-25T17:41:00.000Z

Here is a picture of the Christmas dinner I prepared for some of my friends. I am quite impressed if I do say so myself. Everyone enjoyed it. We are all sat now, stuffed, watching Annie.

I had only planned to just cook a dinner for my housemate Tom and I. But my friends Shane and Josh, both from Somerset, were not going home for Christmas either so I thought it would be nice to invite them around too. We had both enough food to feed us all.

The table cloth is actually a curtain and whilst I was rooting around for dishes, I found a pack of Christmas Cards and wrote one out to each of them. I am very pleased with how it turned out.

Wishing All My Readers A Very Merry Christmas.

2011-12-25T13:29:00.000Z

I hope everyone out there is having a great Christmas Day. Although I am not with my family this year, I am thankful that I have my friends around to celebrate with. I am hosting for the first time ever this year, I have a stuffed turkey joint in the oven, the house is clean and tidy and I plan on eating way more than any man should.

Merry Christmas everyone.

A Christmas Meme

2011-12-24T13:50:00.001Z

It is Christmas Eve and I have to admit I haven't been looking forward to Christmas this year. But I am trying to make the most of it.

I want to wish all my readers, friends and family a very Merry Christmas.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I hate wrapping paper, I suck at wrapping gifts unless they come in a perfect square box. Gift bags are just easier, I do this for Birthday's too.

2. Real tree or artificial tree?
I love an a real tree, when I was home in Dublin, my Mother put up a real tree. I love how it makes the whole house smell. Christmas. However, in my house here in Manchester I have an artificial tree. I have it decorated nice with a purple and silver theme.

3. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Angel, definitely.

4. Favourite ornament, theme or colour?
I like a traditional gold and red theme. Those are the colours on my Mothers tree right now. As I said, my tree is purple and silver with purple lights. Purple and silver tinsel and baubles hang from it it.

5. When do you put up the tree?
This year, I put my tree up the day after Halloween. What? I was trying to get excited. I helped put my Mothers tree just last week. I love my Mothers tree. I wish I had a photo of it, I could share it with you.

6. When do you take the tree down?
Isn't it traditional that you take the tree down on the 6th of January?

7. Favourite gift received as a child?
I have received a lot of great gifts over the years. But the one that stands out for me is the year we got a desktop computer, It was brand new and I had to share it with my brother. We even got the internet a few weeks later. It was 1997 and we were the first of our friends to have internet access, even though it was dial up.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
I am pretty good at gift buying. Well except for this year, I haven't been working and moving back to Manchester has tapped my resources. I will get people gifts in the new year though. The hardest person to buy for is probably my brother Karl, he never has a clear idea of what he wants.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
My Mother, definitely. She always has fads and trends that you can choose from. She really loves the Pandora brand and getting her some charms is always an appreciated gift.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I usually just hand out some cards to my friends but this year I will be emailing Christmas greetings.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
One year, my Brother Karl got me a ring, it fit perfectly and had a row of four glass squares embedded into it. I was happy with it at first. However by the end of the day all of the squares had fallen out. There was just this whole in the ring. It was actually pretty funny.

12. Favourite Christmas Movie?
When I was child, it used to be Santa Claus: The Movie. I actually believed it was a true story. But now there are several movies I like to watch at Christmas. The Family Stone, Jingle All The Way, The Wizard of Oz, Scrooged. I like them all. But my all time favourite thing to watch on Christmas day are the soaps. Especially Eastenders. It's usually the climax of the big story lines, it is an institution in Britain and Ireland.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Usually, with the first pay check in December. Last year, I bought all my presents the day before Christmas Eve.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Yes, I have been given some white wine as a present before and I don't drink it so I chucked that bad boy into a gift bag and passed it on.

15. Favourite thing to eat at Christmas?
I like it all! I love a traditional Christmas dinner. Probably some cheesecake for dessert and to sit watching TV and movies whilst eating out of a big tin of Roses.

16. Favourite Christmas song?

Obviously, I love All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey. But this song is my all time favourite Christmas song/hymn.

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Most years, I go home for Christmas. I have only been away for Christmas twice, in 2008 and 2009. I stayed with my boyfriend of the time. Both were not my best holidays. His family didn't really celebrate Christmas and I appreciated that they made the effort for me, so I bought them all great gifts. They were opened and put away before I even woke up. Once we had eaten dinner, the decorations were taken down and everything went back to normal.

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. And Rudolph the Red Nosed One.

19. Can you name all of the 7 Dwarves?
Does it matter? Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy....that is all I have got.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Usually, once everyone has arrived or woken up. We would exchange some gifts and probably keep some to open for later.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year but I have to admit that this year its been difficult. Not having the funds to get people presents or to take part in the Christmas social occasions. I won't be sad when it is over.

However, I am trying to make this Christmas as special as I can. I had plans to go and stay with my best friends with Dempsey and Ali. But my housemate Tom would have been here in the house by himself and I thought why not be alone, together. I am going to cook us a Christmas meal and hangout and watch movies all day.

22. Do you hang mistletoe
Nope, never.

23. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I can't really remember the exact moment. But I think I was about 7 or 8 years old.

24. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?
This year? That I just get through it and that I have some fun tomorrow. In normal circumstances it would be about spending time with my family, loved ones. Eating too much and getting spoiled with gifts.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
I am always happy with new socks and boxers and maybe a new smelly kit.

Again, whatever you do, wherever you are. I hope you have a great day tomorrow.

Belated Sunday Stealing Meme - Blogging and Other Subjects

2011-12-23T22:32:00.000Z

As a blogger, what do you draw inspirations from for your posts?

I blog about my life and the experiences I have, some good, some bad. So obviously I draw inspiration from the things I do. But sometimes posts are inspired by the people around me, the family and friends I have.

2. If you could swap blogs with another blogger for a post, who would you switch with and why?

I have had a quest post before. It was written by one of my closest friends, it had a very specific purpose. He was feeling very stressed out. Problems with work, friendships and his relationship were really getting to him and putting pen to paper, figuratively speaking, proved to be a cathartic experience for him. Just sharing the tale with someone else, anonymously, put things in perspective.

I had considered recently doing some post swaps with another blogger, as we shared similar, problems so to speak, with drugs etc. However, his blog also dedicates a lot of posts to his faith in god and I do not want to bring religion into my blog.

I am definitely open to guest posting. I guess I am just waiting for the right blogger, the right subject and the right time.

3. If your blog had a theme song, what would it be? Why?

I chose this song because I am not afraid to share with my readers, the things I get up to. Those that don't paint me in the best light. I am not always the best person I can be. I have done some things which are morally questionable and quite frankly illegal.

I am not saying I am not ashamed of some of the things I have done but I also realize that they build up the character and I take the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. There are some things I look back on and absolutely cringe.

4. What is your writing process for a post?

It varies, most times, I will just sit in front of my laptop and write about how I am feeling or share an interesting experience. Other times, I will write something in my journal and post it at a later date. Some posts will sit in the draft folder for days even weeks, until I finally get the motivation to finish it.

5. Your blog requires a cute, new, mascot - what would it be?

Ummmmm, I am not big on mascots. I could try and find something that reflects my free spirited nature, my laid back attitude but I genuinely can't think of anything. A bird? a butterfly?.
Maybe someone out there could think of a mascot and leave it in the comments.

6. Do you feel you express your "true self" on your blog?

Yes, 100%. I have been blogging for almost 4 years. It has been the most consistent thing in my life during that time and I pride myself on the fact that I am true to myself and I think some of the things I have written over the years are testament to that fact.

7. What is your biggest online pet-peeve?

When people do these type of Meme's and give one word answers or 'What kind of question is this?' sarcastic replies. For instance if a question ask's 'What are you most looking forward to' and the reply is 'Finishing this stupid meme'.

One word answers don't offer anything to the reader and I can't imagine the writer and derived any enjoyment from writing it. Bloggers who openly state that they are not enjoying writing the Meme, why the hell are they doing it in the first place.

8. If you could live in a fictional universe, where would you live? Why?

I don't need to live in a fictional universe, as the place I would choose is the place I am. Those who have read my blog for a while will know about the turmoil I have felt between wanting to be with my family and living in Manchester. I moved home to Dublin just a few weeks and after 10 days I decided to move back to Manchester. After a few days here, I booked a ticket to go back to Dublin and of course you will know, I didn't leave.

I think I know the reason as to why Manchester has such a hold on me, I have the freedom to be who I am, to have my own space. I have always felt, that in Dublin, I have never quite clicked, I didn't fit in. But here, in this city, I feel completely at ease. I was on the train this afternoon, coming back from visiting a friend in Wigan and as the train neared Manchester, I could the see the lights of the city and its skyline and I couldn't help but smile. I am home.

9. You're having a bad day, you're upset, you're angry, or you're sad - what is your go-to comfort?

There are a few go to comforts. Music is a major one, I love to sing and I find that if I belt out some notes, it relieves a lot of stress. Talking to friends is another one. I can call my friend Paul and literally speak for hours about nothing. Another, less healthy stress reliever is drugs. Opiates in particular, Tramadol, Morphine etc.

10. What is your favorite inspirational quote?

I actually have my favourite quote tattoo'd on my wrist. Its a mantra I live by with a lot of conviction. That quote is :
'
It Will All Work Out In The End'.... and it will. It always does. No matter how bad things get, if you can tell yourself that eventually, it will all come together. Then you don't have to worry to much.

11. If they were to make a movie based on your life, who would play you, your leading lady/man, your best friend, and your rival?

This is a very interesting question. The person that would play me at this age I am now, would be Kellan Lutz. I am not saying I am as beautiful as Kellan, but it is my movie and I will pick who I like. The leading man would be someone like Gerard Butler as I like a rugged older man. Plus the thought if Kellan and Gerard getting it on, is making me pitch a tent.

My best friend would be played by Jake Gyllenhall, a mixture of good looks and intelligence and my rival would be played by Katherine Heigl because the only person I have ever really hated was a cuntish blond girl who made a good friend's life a living hell for months. Skank.

12. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?

No. But I am looking forward to run up to the December 12th, when every crazy person in the world starts getting rid of their stuff, quitting their jobs or spending their live savings all because they think it will. There is going to be a lot of depressed people on December 13th.

13. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

Although, I have learnt to accept them as I have gotten older and they are no longer a major insecurity issue I once had, If I was given the opportunity to do it, then I would have my teeth fixed. It's very expensive to do though and I have no idea when I would be able to afford it.

14. What is your favorite season and why?

Autumn. It always has been, I like the shorter evenings, the warm days but cooler nights. The colours of the trees' and the leaves. The sunsets and of course, my favourite holiday. Halloween.

15. You've been bitten by a vampire. Would you fight it with all your undead being or would you embrace it for all it is worth?

I don't know, It depends on the whole 'having no soul'. I guess I would embrace it, go for the whole long black leather coat, coffin and castle and of course the Austrian accent. Go for a whole Dracula vibe.

16. Have you personally met any of your blogger friends?

Yes, I have met a couple. Both living in Dublin. I would like to meet a few more. There are some bloggers whom I think would make great friends in the 'real world'.

17. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like?

I am a boxers guy. I don't go intricate patterns or design, so the majority of my boxers are plain black. I have a couple of designer pairs in grey I whip out for dates or fucks.

18. Have you ever drank something right from the container in the refrigerator knowing other people will have to drink out of the same container later?

Yes, anyone that says they haven't is a filthy liar!

19. What is your favorite word and explain why?

Sporadically. All because of Brittany Murphy and how it is used in Clueless. 'I hope not sporadically'

20. 2011 is soon coming to a close, is there anything you'd like to do different on your blog in the year 2012?

I would like to reach a bigger audience, gain some new followers. I would be lying if I said I don't need people to read my blog and I just do it for the pleasure. I like the idea, that people read my blog and especially if they enjoy reading it.

What The Fuck Is Going On??

2011-12-21T03:35:00.000Z

I lasted ten whole days, ten days in which all I did was get high and sleep all day. I mean I slept all fucking day and was awake all night. It wasn't working out the way I thought it would, in my head. I shouldn't be that surprised, things never seem to work out exactly how I think they will.

The only thing that worked in my favour was my that fact my Mother and I got on really well. Not one argument and we actually enjoyed each others company. unfortunately that wasn't enough. I was going out of my head with boredom and having no source of income or job prospects, were starting to make me feel genuinely depressed. There was only one thing I could think to do.

I booked a ticket back to Manchester on Thursday and arrived on Friday morning, just in time for my friends birthday party. It was the same friend that offered me up his spare room in the apartment he shares with his boyfriend. We talked about ways I could try and afford to live there, just generally trying to figure some stuff out.

I wasn't optimistic about it from the get go and once the high (metaphorical) of the weekend had worn off, I began to wonder if I had made the right decision. Dempsey and Ali are two of my best friends but living with them felt awkward and I felt it would eventually effect our friendship. So what else was there for me too do but book another ticket home. Once I had rebooked yet ANOTHER ticket I went to bed almost immediately and lay awake all night, thinking about what the fuck was I going to do?

I woke up early, packed and prepared to leave. But something was lingering, telling me not give up yet but I had no money, I had spent so much booking tickets back and forth that I was all tapped out, I couldn't stay where I was and I didn't want to leave. I called up my old landlord and luckily we managed to come to an arrangement. So here I am, back in the old house, in the same position I was just a few weeks ago. Except my entire family are probably very angry at me.

I need to make a plan, getting a job being the first one. Sorting my fucking life out is one.

However there were a couple of things I enjoyed about my weekend. I thought I would share with you.

I enjoyed a nice time with a boy on Saturday night and on Monday we enjoyed some of the Christmas rides and markets around Manchester City Centre. He is a friend of mine and it came out of the blue. But we had fun.

Surprising everyone at the party was fun, no one knew I was back in Manchester except my friends Ali and Dempsey. Quite a lot of people showed up, I had taken Dempsey to dinner whilst the party was being set up and and he genuinely had no idea what was in store, he thought that Ali was cooking him a surprise meal.

I got to see some of the photo's from the shoot my friend Ben had bought me for my birthday. I am more than happy with them and I look hot, if I do say so myself. I am not going to post them on the blog itself. But if you would like to see them just drop me an email ian@mindofmine.co.uk and I will send you some of the shots. I owe him a major thank you/Christmas/Birthday present.

It is hard to have my head and my heart in two very different places.

Mind Of Mine Has Its Own Facebook Page.

2011-12-15T07:37:00.002Z

I would really appreciate it, if you are a Facebook user, that you click on the like tab. That is of course if you actually like it. You might hate it. Who knows.

I hope you like the fact that I have given the blog some Christmas Spirit.

Belated Sunday Stealing MeMe

2011-12-12T05:18:00.002Z

Are you happy with the person you've become?

Fundamentally I am a good person, generous, kind and loving but at this moment, no. Not at all. I am 25 years old, I am stone cold broke and I have had to move home to my family home because I managed to fuck things up so badly. I have only just turned 25 and with that milestone has come a new mentality. In previous years, If I was in the same situation, I would be laughing about, chalking it down to experience and saying such is life, reveling in the experience. But at my age, it is not funny anymore, I can't smile, wink and shrug my shoulders and tell myself I am a free spirit anymore.

Just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine said something which really made me think. We were going through a strained period and there was a couple of conflicts and he stated that he didn't agree with 'how I lived'. I got angry about it. I was thinking 'How dare he judge me like that, I make no apologies for the choices I make' but after more consideration I couldn't help think, how long can I be a monumental fuck up for?

What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

Picture the scene, you are laying on your bed or have your feet up on the couch. It is a Sunday afternoon and you have just eaten a delicious and hearty meal, lots of carbs. There is an old movie on and it is freezing cold out. You have the heating on, possibly even a fire lit. You are so relaxed and suddenly it starts to rain, you can hear it splash of the window and you cuddle up to the nearest thing, your pillow, a cushion or your boyfriend. Bliss. The sound of rain splashing of a window pane whilst you are full, warm and cozy, it is just heaven.

One sound I hate, to the point it actually gets a physical reaction from me. Nails on chalkboard. Even thinking about it sends a chill down my spine and makes my skin raise in goosebumps.

What's your biggest "what if"?

What if I had gone to university? What if I hadn't met Dwight? What if I hadn't moved to Manchester? What if I hadn't moved back? What if my house hadn't burnt down? Twice? What if I had not been revived? What if my attempt hadn't failed?

There are a few, they don't nag on my mind all the time. I am not massively pre-occupied with them either but sometimes, when I am thinking, they pop up and I try to imagine how different my life could have been or in some specific 'what if's' the friends of my family or friends had I not been around anymore.

Do you believe in ghosts?

No, not really. I would almost like to believe in them. I would like the world to have a bit of supernatural mystery. Can you imagine how fun things could be should the events in movies like Paranormal Activity could actually happen.

How about aliens?

Aliens, like those brought to life by Ridley Scott? No, but it would be arrogant of us to assume that we are the only life force in the entire galaxy. That just this one planet was blessed with evolution.

What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

The best decision I have ever made, could be the worst decision I have ever made. Moving to Manchester back in 2007 was the start of an incredible journey. I met some of my best friends in the city, I fell in love for the first time, real love, head over heels, irrational love. I had some of the best experiences I never even knew possible. I reached a level of happiness there, I never even thought possible.

It could also be one of the worse decisions I have ever made also. It has taken over my entire existence, I feel so conflicted. I love the city, my friends and the freedom it gives me but at the same time, my family is in Dublin and I want to be able to enjoy both. I know I can't have both and I am incapable of deciding where it is I actually want to be.

What's the worst place you have ever been to?

Trying to think of answer to this question, I have actually realised that there is no place I have actually hated. I have never been somewhere and thought, I hate this, get me out of her. To give at least some semblance of an answer I tried to think of nights out I didn't enjoy or parties which were not fun. The best I can do is share a story about a party which turned into a disaster.

My friends Dee and Matthew were throwing a party at Dee's parents house, they had gone away for the weekend, we were all about 17 or 18 at the time. Her parent's lived in the same area as my Sister and Dad called Ballyfermot. This particular estate is a bit of crime hot spot, stolen cars, gangs break-ins etc. The party was in full swing, everyone was having a good time and getting drunk. I guess it got a little bit loud as gangs of other teenagers started to hang around outside and trying to get in. A group of older guys came and Dee and I were starting to get worried but we thought asking them to leave me cause a conflict and escalate any worries we had.

The guys started getting rowdy and before we knew it, a fight started to break out, the older guys, got into a fight with some other dudes and and someone was cut with a kitchen knife, girls were crying, I got into a scuffle with some other people. Luckily the police and an ambulance came and everyone cleared out. The guy that had been cut, luckily wasn't hurt to badly, even though there was blood every where. Dee and her younger sisters were crying and I was trying to hold myself together. When things first started kicking off, with the knife and the fight, I was genuinely terrified but managed to hold myself together. By the time I got home to my Dad's, my Sister had just got in from a night out and she could tell I was upset. As soon as she asked me what was wrong I broke down like a little girl. Trying to tell her the story between cries.

Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes, I believe it can. Some of the most infamous and talented artists in their fields where absolutely barking mad. I also believe a dedication to your craft can lead to insanity. Just look at Lady Gaga, bitch be crazy!

Most attractive actor of your opposite gender?

Although not massively successful but amazingly talented, I find Eliza Dushku of Bring It On, Buffy and Dollhouse fame to be really attractive. Her dark looks and husky voice turn me on as much as woman can. Plus she seems like such a fun person in real life.

To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have no fucking idea, I try not bog myself down with 'why are we here'. I just do what I do.

Define “Art”.

I think of art as any form of expression or action which deliberately effects or stimulates our senses, our emotions or our minds. From the writing of a song, to the construction of a story. I also believe that every single one of us is an artist. We all have the potential to create something wonderful.

Do you believe in luck?

Yes, I do. I often consider myself very lucky. I always manage to find something or land on my feet through random times of great luck. It sometimes makes me think, there must be a higher power looking out for me.

In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

In my head, the ideal partner is someone who understands me, someone who I have almost everything in common, from our outlook, to our experiences and our sexual preferences. Someone that makes me laugh, makes me think. Who challenges and inspires me. He can identify when I need my space and doesn't resent having to give it to me. Give me the freedom to spend time with my friends and also has healthy relationship with people outside of our relationship.

What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Where were you yesterday?

I was at home, in my Mothers house. I didn't get out of bed till late. The night before I had been at a 30th birthday party which was held for my Brother in law Alan. I didn't drink and I was feeling a little down, missing my friends in Manchester. When I got home, I got high and stayed up until almost 9am, so I didn't wake up until the afternoon.

Later on in the evening, my Mother and decorated our house with Christmas decorations.We decorated two Christmas tree's. One real and one artificial. I love the smell of real tree and I am pleased with how it turned out. My Mother always makes our tree very classy and dignified.

What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Although I have had some operations due to some serious medical issues, I actually haven't been injured that often, which considering some of the mishaps I have gotten into, is nothing short of a miracle. But in the Summer of 2010, my Brother and I had rented some bikes in the Phoenix Park. We had been cycling all day and came across a pretty steep hill with a dirt track. It was really high and possibly very dangerous. Well, it was actually very dangerous, but we decided we would throw caution to wind and roll down it.

My Brother went first and he bombed down it and got to the bottom safely. When it was my turn, I pushed back and peddled down, going incredibly fast, it was awesome. But as I got to the bottom, I realised I wasn't slowing down in time and I was at risk of hitting into a raised area of grass and stones. In my panic I slammed the brake, the wrong brake. My front wheel jammed and I went over the handle bars and seemed to be sliding forever, when I finally stopped, the bike flipped and landed right on top of me. My back, shoulders and knee's were completely cut up, the bike had winded me and broke 2 of my ribs. Even though I was injured, it was still fucking epic.

Do you have any obsessions right now?

In a way yes. Being in such close proximity to so many opiates, strong opiates. It is a struggle not to take them and If I don't keep myself occupied, sometimes, it is all I can think about. Obsession is probably a strong word but it is a constant thought, even in the back of my head.

What's up?

Not much, just lying here naked, thinking about you.

Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yes. When I was with my last boyfriend, his friends were always spreading rumors that they had seen me with someone else or they had spoken to someone who said I had slept with them. One of them had even cooked up this elaborate story saying I had fucked him in a sauna and brought him back to our flat whilst my boyfriend was out.Funnily enough, the times where I had slept with other people outside of the relationship never came up.

Do you believe in real magic?

Similar to the question regarding ghosts, I would like to believe to that magic is real. For those who have seen the Craft. How cool would it be if that stuff could actually happen?

Do you ever hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

No, I don't. But saying that I have never been wronged so much that I have wanted to cut someone out of my life. It's usually how they react after they have wronged me that makes me reevaluate their place in my life. If they are sorry, then I can move on. If I know they are sorry, then nostalgia usually overrides any feelings of anger.

What's your favorite (non-pet) animal?

I love bears, I know they are vicious killing machines but wouldn't you just love to meet a gentle bear and give them a hug?

What is your secret weapon to get people to like you?

If I meet someone, in a social setting and I find we are not clicking or gelling like we should. Especially if we have friends in common or they are someones guest, I will usually ask them lots of questions. Most people like to talk about themselves and it will put them at ease. When asking questions, I can then find out their interests and find some common ground we can then discuss and make the conversation flow better.

Where is your best friend?

I am very lucky to have a few people I consider 'best friends'. People who I would do anything for and would return that favour. Some are in Manchester and some in Dublin. I love them and I miss the ones I can't be with now.

What do you think is Satan's last name?

Preston

Brother on Brother Gay Sex

2011-12-09T00:48:00.001Z

Ok, now I have your attention! I would like to talk to you about Brother on Brother gay sex. Just kidding!

Feedjit live is a widget designed for blogs such as this one, it allows the user to see the how visitors have come to find their blog or website. It usually reads like Miami Florida, arrived on Mindofmine.co.uk by searching for.....

The individual tags I use on my individual blog posts will usually dictate which post the guest will arrive at. Sometimes these searches will normally be innocent, run of the mill type stuff. Search by name for me or common posts etc.

But then there are those searches which make me wonder and those which make me think the world is really fucked up. Those which are not so innocent. Which brings me to the title of this blog. But before we get there, lets go through some of the more mundane but still interesting Google searches which brought internet users to Mind Of Mine.

Dogging

In the Summer of 2010, my friends and I decided to go for a walk in the Phoenix Park in Dublin. You can read the full post here. The park is one of the largest national parks in Europe and is also a massive cruising area for Gay men. It was around 4am and we spent hours walking around in the dark, it was creepy and adding to the fun was all the men driving around looking for sex, usually slowing down when they saw us.

Ever since the post went live, its been fun to read some of the search results. Usually along the lines of 'Where to go dogging in the Phoenix Park/Phoenix Arizona, 'Where can you find rent boys in the Phoenix Park/Phoenix Arizona', 'How much do rent boys charge in Phoenix?'.

I imagine that if cruisers/doggers actually read the full post that they might be put off from actually using the park to get their rocks off, worried that they might run into a group of people like us, getting our rocks off in a very different way than they would be expecting.

Sex On A Ferry

It was back in 2009 and I was travelling back to Dublin to take part in my Brothers wedding, whilst on the ferry crossing from Wales to Dublin, I had a sexual encounter with a member of staff. The full post can be read here.

It's not everyday that someone manages to have gay sex on a ferry crossing, well I thought so at least. But I was surprised at just how many internet searches on the subject there would be. Searches like 'I want to have sex on a boat', 'blow job ferry' 'getting fucked on a boat','gay cruises', 'sex on the Stenaline' etc.

I wonder if the member of staff had sex with a lot of travelers and who ever had read it had also 'tapped that'. For a period, it was one of my most searched for posts.

That was until.....

Brother on Brother Gay Sex

Regular readers of this blog will know that my big Brother Karl is also gay. I wrote a post about our relationship, the friendship we share and how the both of us being gay has brought us closer. I never could have imagined some of the search results that post and it's tags would generate. You can read that post here.

Some of the searches would be innocent and normal enough. 'Coming out to my big brother', 'My big Brother is gay', 'I think my Brother might be gay'. I assume these, would be from people looking to the internet for advice or connect with people in similar situations.

But then again, some are just plain fucked up. Incest does happen, I am not naive. Elijah and Milo Peters a living example of that. But I am always shocked when I see search results like 'I want to fuck my Brother', 'I had sex with my little Brother', 'I got fucked by my Brother and his friends', 'Brother on Brother gay sex'. It's the one time, I hope the reader is disappointed when they make a search like this and find my perfectly innocent post about the friendship I share with my brother.

There are also those searches which give me a chill down my spine, for a completely different reason. For instance, when I have made a job application and a result pops up from the town or area where I the employer is or the interview has taken place and the search contains my full name, my email address, my age or the first line of my home address. My blog hardly paints the best picture of me, the drugs, the countless jobs, the drinking, the packing up and leaving the country at the drop of a hat.

There have also been 'Ian Brooks is a fucking liar', 'Ian Brooks is a junkie scumbag' and 'Ian Brooks is fugly slut'.

I would like to hear from other Feedjit users who have found interesting or strange search results.

Home Sweet Home

2011-12-06T03:51:00.000Z

I have been home two days now and surprisingly I am feeling rather optimistic about it, I haven't cried once. When I have left Manchester previously, for long periods, I have cried, moped about and generally felt depressed for the first few weeks, missing my friends and the freedom the city had given me.

However, it's 3.30am and I am feeling reflective, looking back at photo's, thinking of memories, fun times, people I have met, friends I have gained and lost. I returned to Manchester in November last year after a few months of ups and downs. In comparison, 2011 was a much better year than 2010 for me. It seems to have flown by in a year of parties, alcohol, drugs and new experiences.

I thought it would be a good time to talk about why exactly I decided to leave when I did. A hard year of excess had started to take its toll on me. I had gained weight, I am looking pale, I am feeling older and I was tired. As I have documented before, I am always conflicted between the two cities. But in speaking to my family these past few weeks, everyone seemed to be in a better place. The family unit seems to be closer, after a couple of years of being so fragmented. I didn't want to miss out on that.

There are certain worries that being back in Dublin carries, I have always shared a volatile relationship with my Mother and although absence makes the heart grow fonder I am apprehensive that we will revert back to previous conflict. Being under the same roof as her medication will also be difficult and will further test our relationship. We can only take it one day at a time and see how things go.

The past few months back in Manchester had been filled with so much worry, money worries had really started to get me down and being at home as felt like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. It's been a major stress reliever and I have spent most of yesterday and today, just sleeping away those stresses. I needed the break.

I don't know if I will ever want to go back to Manchester, I don't know how I will feel in a few months or a years time. I could meet someone...Anything could happen. We will just have to see how it goes.

But I am optimistic about what lies ahead. I am not regretting my decision.

Familiar Territory

2011-12-04T14:32:00.000Z

As the bus pulled away, I waved back, blew a kiss and watched as they got smaller and smaller, further and further away. I was leaving Manchester, again.

I didn't dwell on the decision too much.

I went for a job interview during the week which turned out to be disaster and I had told myself if I got the job, I would stay, if not, then I would leave and return home to Dublin. Flipping a coin, heads, I win, tails I lose. Everyone asked was I making the right decision and I couldn't give them a straight answer, as I write this now, I am still not sure. But all I can do is give it a try.

I did have a little cry on the coach, listening to maudlin music to cry too, it's an actual folder on my MP3 player. But all in all, I am optimistic.

My Birthday Celebrations

2011-11-30T18:34:00.000Z

I wasn't looking forward to my birthday this year, for a number of reasons. I hadn't seen my family in months and I was broke. Last year, I had only been back in the UK a few weeks by the time my birthday came round and I was all for celebrating being back and having a great birthday.

I didn't make a fuss of it this year and at it didn't seem anyone else was either. My friend Ali arranged a party at his apartment on Saturday night and if I am honest I wasn't much looking forward to it. However, with everyone on board, I gave it as much as I could. Although my birthday wasn't until the Monday. My best friends Paul and Ben had also celebrated their birthday's this month and Ben had gotten us all a rather unusual present. A photo shoot.

When I heard about the photo shoot, I was nervous. It's not really my scene. To put myself out there to be judged about how I look or to appear to be arrogant or conceited about it. In order to combat that nervousness, Paul and I thought it best to be as drunk as possible. When they arrived the in the morning to pick me up, I had a bottle of wine and some drinks in a cafe/bar near the photo studio.

For the shoot itself, we brought several outfit's to change into and pick from, we bought some beers and it turned out to be a lot of fun. We took shots together as a group and obviously some solo shots. I had some taken of my tattoo's and Paul had some topless shots taken. I was pleasantly surprised at how much fun we were having.

Later that night, once Paul, Ben and I parted ways. My friend Ali came round so we could drink whilst I got ready. He was late and I was worried about all the guests, waiting and getting impatient at his house whilst we got ready. Before we were set to leave, my landlord called to ask me to pop over to his house so we could talk. My landlord lives just across the street from my house with a few of my friends. When I got the call, I was a little peeved. I assumed he wanted to speak about the overdue rent and I couldn't believe he picked today, of all days. Ali and I walked over, knocked on the door and waited.

He answered the door, greeting us with a friendly smile, this was nothing out of the ordinary here, he was usually pleasant. Until he had money to ask for. I walked into the hall and turned into the living room and BAM!. Everyone was there! All my friends, for little impromptu surprise birthday party.

We stayed there for a few hours, drinking, playing games etc, before going out to the Village. The night out was fucking amazing! I stayed out till the Sunday afternoon. Hitting one of the after hours clubs and then back to the location of the party for more drinks.

All in all, a pleasant birthday with a few surprises.

Happy Birthday.... To Me!

2011-11-28T12:56:00.000Z

The Money Woe

2011-11-23T19:20:00.000Z

I look at the money in my hand, the money that is supposed to get me through two whole weeks. Doing some quick mental arithmetic, I deduct bills that need to be paid and money I owe out. What is left for me is about the same amount I would spend on a night out, a quiet night out at that.

How this measly amount is supposed to last for a fortnight is not something I have figured out yet. How am I supposed to keep myself in cigarettes and entertainment? I guess being a benefit whore doesn't exactly encourage me to smoke or go out and drink but that doesn't mean I can't complain about it does it?

It's my birthday on Monday and I don't have any spare funds to go out and enjoy myself. I am interviewing for a company right now but the process is lengthy and it could be another month or so before I start earning, let alone get paid.

It's all my own fault of course, I haven't forgotten that. All those lucky breaks or just happening to land on my feet at the right time have finally caught up with me and it's time to pay the piper...or whatever. But did it have to be now, a few days before my birthday and just a few short weeks before Christmas.

It is wrong to ask, hope, for just one last break?

A Saga at Twilight: Breaking Dawn

2011-11-20T19:34:00.000Z

So in my last post, I told you I was going to see all the Twilight movies, back to back, at the cinema. It was a really fun experience, except for the fact my friend and I almost got into a fight with some drunk guys who were taking cocaine during the movie.

When I got there I was really excited to see Breaking Dawn part One and as I hadn't seen the first two movies in the cinema, I thought it would be a really cool experience to seem them again on the big screen. I was right, I just wasn't as right as I thought I would be. I got really restless, couldn't sit still.

But it still had it's moments, everyone there was a fully fledged card carrying Twihard so at the beginning and end of each movie, everyone was clapping , hollering, shouting out and stuff. It made for a really good atmosphere. During the first 3 movies there was a group of three guys who were clapping and hollering just a little bit to much. My friend and I noticed them being really rowdy during the intervals and at the beginning of all the movies.

When it was time for the fourth movie, we were on our way back to our seats and I remarked that there would probably be someone sitting in our seats and I was right. Those 3 drunk guys were sat in them. I wasn't bothered, I was expecting it and there was empty seats beside them. As we were inching our way to the seats , I noticed one of the guys reach over and take my friends drink.

I was stood right next to them by time he reached over and put it back and turned back to his friends, he didn't even notice me. 'What do you think you are doing' I exclaimed with a hint of anger in my voice. He tried to deny that he had done anything at first and when he knew he had been spotted he tried to justify it. We ended up shouting at each other but he backed down eventually. His argument not really holding any weight.

When we sat back down, his friends apologised for him, he was drunk and Irish. I am assuming they couldn't hear my accent. When the trailers came on they really started to get loud, it was really fucking annoying. I assumed it would stop once the trailers had finished but it didn't. so I told them to shut the fuck up! One of the guys, was not as rambunctious as the others, apologised again and told his friends to settle down. They did, for like 30 seconds. When they started getting really loud again, I was like fuck this! I have just sat here for 8 hours, they are not fucking up my enjoyment of this. So whilst they were snorting some more coke, I went out and told security. He stood and watched them being loud and obnoxious before asking them to leave.

and we got to enjoy with the rest of the movie!

The Twilight Saga

2011-11-15T21:12:00.001Z

This Friday the fourth chapter of the Twilight Saga hits cinemas at one minute past midnight. To mark this special occasion my friend Dempsey and I are taking part in the AMC Cinema's Twilightathon! All four movies back to back and I have to tell you guys, I am so fucking excited.

I remember when the first Twilight hit cinema's and I wasn't the least bit interested. Nor was I interested when Twilight : New Moon was released either. But then I started to read the first novel, I was travelling to Dublin and I picked it up for the journey. Almost immediately I was a Twihard! I went out and bought the first two movies on DVD and I was completely hooked on the entire franchise.

I never got to see the the first two installments at the cinema and I am excited to see these on the big screen and it's been a few months now when I last seen Eclipse and at 00:01 on Friday morning, I will be watching Breaking Dawn part One!

Apparently the reviews have not been very good and quite frankly, I don't care. I know I will love every second of it, regardless of the critique's. The Twilight Saga is very much like the Bieber phenomenon, if something is too popular, you will find people rag on it because it is the cool thing to do.

For those who want to know....It is not Team Jacob or Team Edward for me. It is all about Team Emmett!!

I want to hear from any Twihard fans out there.

My Life Is A Mess Right Now

2011-11-13T22:11:00.000Z

I don't often write posts like the one I am about to write, usually I don't actually have to. All of what I am about to tell you is all my own fault. How I managed to slowly hack away at my own security.

It started when my support from home ended, I was out to fend for myself and at the time I was sure it could only lead to positive things. Once I was earning for myself I would be able to finally develop a strong work ethic. Usually, work was the last of my priorities and I truly believed that once I had to make my own money, I would look at employment from another perspective. This did not turn out to be true, I managed to lose another job and without work, I was not able to pay my rent, for 2 months.

I now have just a few days to come up with 2 months rent or else I have to leave. Move out of the house I have lived in for a year and out of the room I love so much. But as I said, I have no one to blame but myself. The fact this is all happening a few weeks before Christmas, well, that's just another little slap in the face I have given myself.

I have only told my brother and my good friend Dempsey, reaching out for help from one and reassurance from the other. This could lead to me being forced to move back to Dublin, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I don't want to leave my friends, especially Paul and Ali and I don't want to return to Dublin under these circumstances, I want it to be because I want to and not because it seems I have to.

I sat last night, wallowing in self pity, in pain from a tooth ache which needs immediate medical attention, wondering what my next move will be and wondering how it would work out in the end.

No answers came.

To to top it off, I turn 25 in 2 weeks.

Depressingly pathetic.

Am I a Cyber Bully?

2011-11-09T19:04:00.001Z

I have never done anything which has made me feel genuinely bad, not for a very long time at least. Nothing that has made me feel like I am a bad person. Not until last night.

I left my Facebook logged into his computer on Halloween night. I wasn't careful about logging out, mainly because I wasn't worried about anyone reading my messages or snooping about, I thought I had nothing to hide. I also assumed, wrongly, that due to the fact I wouldn't invades someones privacy in that way, that the thought would not occur to anyone else, should they have found my Facebook logged in.

But I can't be angry at the person that read my messages though, even though it would be easier to be angry rather than confront the issue that the messages have brought up. I have to stress that there was no malice intentions behind them. It all started of so innocent...

My best friend Ali and I have logged a lot of man hours on Facebook chat as of late, talking about everything and anything, sharing our stories, our days, relationship and housemate woes. Danny is also a very good friend of mine. Danny and Ali, along with Ali's boyfriend recently moved into an apartment in the City Centre. On top of that Danny had gotten into a new relationship.

There were some frustrations both Ali and I shared regarding Danny and their new living situation. I had issue with Danny's new boyfriend, he didn't want to meet or get to know any of Danny's friends, resulting in Danny stepping back from our group. I had done the same thing in a previous relationship and I didn't want Danny to fall into the same trap.

We shared these thoughts on chat and sometimes they got out of hand, they frankly got mean. When Danny would blow of his friends to be with his new boyfriend, we would chat and our anger or disappointment would cloud our reasoning. When his boyfriend would decline to come to one of many social events we would organize, we would chat about it on Facebook, talk about how wrong they seemed for each other, how difficult they seemed to be making each others lives, despite it being so early in the relationship. All these things about their relationship where frankly none of our business. But it doesn't always work that way does it?

As I said, some of the things we said, were mean, low even. Below the belt, and what could be worse than us saying these things? It would be for Danny to read them, which he did. I had logged onto my Facebook account on his computer on Halloween night. I didn't know this at the time and I had no reason to believe anything was wrong, he was completely fine with me and Ali. If I had read some of the things we had written, I wouldn't be able to help myself, I would need to confront it.

But it all came to ahead last night. Danny cooked us all dinner and we played poker. Later that evening by the time I got home and actually checked my phone, there was a message from Ali, indicating that something had happened after I left. It seemed that Ali's boyfriend and Danny's boyfriend argued over text message. The argument had been brewing for some time and when it happened, Danny finally told Ali, what he read and what he knew.

When Ali explained what had happened, my first reaction was 'how dare he invade my privacy?'. But then my second reaction was guilt. I felt really bad. Danny is a really nice guy and maybe a little bit sensitive. I know the things he read would effect him more that they would had I read the same things about me. They really upset him.

The funny thing is, I was just starting to like Danny's boyfriend. The chat spans many months and when read out of context looks a lot worse. But that is not an excuse. There are no excuses for what we did.

I genuinely feel awful and I haven't spoken to him yet, to try and put things right. But what can I honestly say?

I guess there is some Regina George in all of us.

The End Of The Road?

2011-11-08T00:15:00.000Z

Conversation has stopped coming so easily. Phone calls which used to be hours long and happen three of four times a day, have now turned into quick hello's and awkward silences. Our dynamic has changed, in just a few short months I have begun to question the very foundation of our friendship. I am wondering what has happened to us.... What has happened to the true two?

I know what has happened and in writing this post I am finally acknowledging it and we all know what happens when you acknowledge a problem that you have tried so hard to ignore, its out there in the world and you can't take it back.

Ali came into my life last spring, I had known of him for a year or so and I didn't like him, or at the very least, I didn't like the idea of him. At first he seemed brash, loud and a little obnoxious and I am all those things too and it seemed like we would clash. But as we got to know each other being in his company was usually us falling about laughing and having the times of our lives. In just few short months we have become inseparable. I can laugh with him and I can be serious with him.

Paul came into my life over 3 years ago, it took us a full year before we managed to build up a friendship, a friendship which has grown in strength. Our banter sessions have been legendary and over the years we have built up some epic memories. He designed the tattoo that is on my arm, we have shared holidays, trips and many a drunken weekend.

However lately there has been a distance between us, neither of us have talked about it but I am certain both of us feel it. He has got closer to a new friend as have I and I feel like I am losing him....

Or I could be completely over-reacting and this sort of dip in our relationship is completely normal and to go through these phases is nothing I need to worry about.

Guest Post - The Village

2011-11-05T19:01:00.000Z

I have never done a guest post post in the three years I have written this blog. I have always considered doing something though and when the opportunity came to guest post on a blog that belongs to a good friend of mine. I wrote a post called the bad movie on his blog The Movie 411 be sure to check it out, I really enjoyed writing the piece that I did.

When I put the idea of writing a guest post on my blog to my friend, lets call him D, I made it clear that he could right about anything he wanted as long as it was from the heart

The Village

What is a nervous breakdown? To me it sounds so cliché.
It’s definition alone is a non-medical term that has no formal place among any diagnostic system so how does anyone know they may be suffering from one? The most common diagnosis is that your brain is so overloaded with pressure or anxiety that you can’t function everyday tasks and that your body just wants to shut down. But what happens if your body doesn’t want to shut down? What if,….like me, your brain seems to be like a CPU, much like the fucking model 101 out of the Terminator movies, that just seems to want to process every single thing and you can’t self terminate!

8AM a mobile default tone alerts my brain that I am at the start of a brand new day.
One cup of tea and a cigarette later, my frontal lobe starts to resemble the gates at Thorpe Park and it’s free admission day for all them screaming thoughts that want to go on all the best rollercoaster’s.
Bills, loved ones, flat mates, my arsehole of a job - like a huge cloud following me wherever I go and waiting to piss it down.

My names Harvey, I live in a lively part of Manchester city centre just off Canal Street, otherwise better known as The Village. I assume they call it ‘The Village’ as it predominately gay and has stayed that way since The Village people first started shouting ‘it’s fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A‘.
I live with my boyfriend Ashton, 22, who I have been dating for the last 4 years and my flat mate Darius.
Ashton works for a highly respectable brand in one of Manchester’s top stores .
When we met he was quite the straight acting sort of fella, wearing his chav-tastic cloths, drinking pints like they were going out of fashion and always in scraps. Since his ‘straight days’ the cloths went from chav to chic, the pints of lager to cranberry and vodka, and from scrapping with his fists to all out verbal wars and Will & Grace one-liner comebacks. Yes he might have changed a bit over the years, but I can’t help but love him.
Darius has been living with us for a little over 3 months, he is the same age as Ashton, and enjoying his first time living away from home. He is dating a 26 year old welsh lad called Sam who stays with us quite frequently. He is a keen cook, his speciality being beef steaks, though the only thing special about them is being un-penetrate able to any human teeth.
That leaves me, a former model recently turned estate agent, soon to hit the gay black death that is 30, and stuck in some kind of vortex of wondering just what on earth am I doing with my life.

Things used to be much more simple. Me and Ash used to live out of the city centre where the rent was half of what it is now and the council tax didn’t face fuck you.
It wasn’t so easy to step out onto the village and spend a ton and come back with a Lady Godiva.
You start missing the little Iranian owned corner shop next door as opposed to the giant supermarket chain that blind you with the 2 for 1 deals that face fuck you even more than the council tax guys did.
Indeed, nothing is more disheartening than working all the hours god sends at a job you don’t really give a shit about for payday to come along and most of it you never see. The bit left you do see is so depressing, that you can’t think of anything better than pissing it up the wall to try and forget about how much you just paid people you have never met!
Of course the first person you vent all your anger or anxiety to is normally your partner, unless your partner is like Ash who is more concerned about updating his status on face book and watching Mean Girls for the thousandth time.

Some days I don’t even think he notices me anymore, or even worse, he does and the shrug of the shoulders is confirmation that everything will be ok in the end.
A little while ago we split up for the first time in four years, I did it via face book so he would definitely take notice or seriously at least. I had given up trying to be the one that kept everything together, I no longer felt like a desirable boyfriend but a father figure to both Ash and Darius.
My friends Austin and Steve, who have the weirdest relationship due to the fact they are young and never do ‘it’ and haven’t done for the last year, were only too happy to take me in while I figured my life out. Me and Ash are quite well known on the Village, especially for being the couple most gay guys look up to in regards to a relationship, so when the news hit the Village we had split, surprisingly a few were quite gutted by it. I never wanted to break up, just wanted to shock him so he would maybe change his ways. A week and a few chats later I decided to give it a second go. I still loved him, I still cared about him, and in the hope he would genuinely change it has to be worth that chance. After all I know I’m not the easiest person in the world to live with either.Problems were still there of course, though he tries, he quickly forgets and slips back into the same ways that bugged the shit out of me before - his fatigue of doing the housework, his undying love for the social networking, the attitude I get whenever I ask him to do something, the list goes on.
Or is it him?

Certainly there’s Darius and his partner Sam, who at times are so volatile with their jealousy and paranoia it‘s unbearable. Darius’s lack of experience of living without his parents doing things for him and in need of a parental figure in me, though at times sweet as all hell can really take it’s toll.
Add on top a job I have grown to despair, and finances somewhat array - can I really just blame Ash for everything? In fact can I blame anybody for anything?In my head I was screaming for help but no words would come out. I had been sitting in hope that the people I love around me will notice my anguish and take away some of my burdens. However the situation remained. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t cry, the only thing that I could seem to do well was be angry.

My system might have been feeling down, but it was not broken. Two weeks more of my dilemma the ‘good guy’ that I thought I was seemed to have left the building, replaced by someone I really didn’t know very well at all. I found myself switching off to Darius and Sam’s arguments, in fact sometimes even encouraging the jealousy and paranoia so they would have something to bitch about.
I wouldn’t care if the housework was not done, they could live in it whilst I took sanctum in the village having a good old laugh with the recent friends I had just made. I couldn’t remember the last time I made new friends! The bills…..well fuck it The postman can deliver them and I will put them in a nice pile in a drawer somewhere, my money was having a far better time drinking and partying with my new pals.
And as for Ash, well his show of affection for everything else other than me didn‘t seem to matter anymore, I had a laptop at my disposal and the village on my doorstep, I could find affection easy.
The rebel without a cause was beginning to become infectious with me. I liked it. Flirting with guys on the internet and having people on the village look at me as if I was single again restored my confidence.

I was in self destruct mode and nothing could stop me.

The cracks in my personality and life choices were beginning to show. Darius and Sam began to feel like they were on tender hooks around me, they even became nicer to each other in the process.
Ash began to try even harder to suss out what was eating me. I knew I was doing wrong but I couldn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop.
One of Ash’s best friends, Owen, had heard of my troubles, had seen the way I was acting and had noticed I was down before. He was one of Ash’s friends I liked most but never really bonded with other than a night out and a huge piss up. We became a little closer in recent weeks, I found him easier to talk to than most.

We had arranged to meet in Piccadilly gardens, just for a simple walk and a chat. The guy listened to me spill out all my troubles, Ash, the ever amounting debt made worse by my actions, my work and anything else that was on my mind.We talked for what seemed like hours. Everything I was worried about, thinking about or had thought about put on show for the first time. Owen had listened attentively, and offered advice.

Later that night, standing at my balcony, smoking a cigarette, it evetually happened - I cried!
I cried so much that I didn‘t think I would be able to stop. Ashley walked into the front room moments later and saw me, he was so panicked at my emotional meltdown that he had never gripped me so tightly before, asking me over and over again what was wrong. When I could eventually get my words out, I ended up telling him everything I had only an hour ago told Owen.

They say a ‘problem shared is a problem solved‘. Ashley made a promise to change his ways and to be much more responsible, as long as I promised to talk to him more about anything that might be troubling me. Though a tough few weeks lie ahead, for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I’m on my own, and that was more than enough for a littlle smile to creep back on my face.

Welcome to my life, welcome to the village.

I Love You....Yes! You!

2011-10-26T18:16:00.000+01:00

It is true, I do!

Coming Soon

2011-10-25T21:14:00.000+01:00

A fellow blogger and I are working on a couple of guest posts that we can share on each others blogs. I am really proud of what I have written for his blog and I am very excited to read what he has come up with for mine.

Both should be up and ready to read on Friday morning. So make sure you check back.

Baby Can I Hold You Tonight.

2011-10-18T00:55:00.001+01:00

When a friend of mine told me him and his boyfriend like to play the guitar, I immediately thought of the times, as I child, me and my Brother Karl would sing whilst my Mother played the guitar. I love to sing and I love to sing along to an acoustic guitar even more.

I suggested to my friends Tom and Tommi, that we get together and do just that. The next day I went to their apartment with my best friend Ali. I have known Tom for about 3 years now, although we have never been that close and rarely had the opportunity to get to know each other, I never knew he played the guitar and he did not know I could sing. Tommi his boyfriend is a keen musician, he sings, plays the guitar and the piano. In a few short hours, it became apparent that we had a lot more in common than I initially thought.

Tom started to strum away and Tommi and I started to sing. We put this little video together, just to capture the moment and the fun we were having.

It is me singing, Tom on guitar, Tommi harmonizing and Ali is working that camera, stoned, eating cereal from the box.

Anyway, I hope you like it.

The Comedown

2011-10-13T23:39:00.001+01:00

The days have gotten noticeably shorter, the temperature has dropped and it almost seems like my emotions have synced up with the change in the seasons. Summer is over. This crash is nothing new to me and for anyone that has ever ridden a drug high for a while, you know how it feels.

Not to sound awfully cliched but what comes up, must come down. I have over the years learnt to deal with these effectively. But I still from time to time have to put myself through it. It usually takes about 24 hours.

At first it starts to feel like, I am not myself, my skin is starting to crawl. A minor annoyance. But a few hours later, the temperature starts to become erratic. Hot or cold, I am sweating like a bitch. Not long after that, the restlessness kicks in. This is the worst part for me, I have to keep moving. I move my arms, my legs, my head. I move everything. Eyelids, fingers and toes. It keeps me up for 24 hours at time, it makes your eyes water, I can lie down and then I would need to get up. Constantly. If you can manage to get to sleep, it won't be a restful one.

But then like that it's gone, I feel almost normal again. Whatever that means. I can now feel that toothache from a broken wisdom tooth I have never gotten around to dealing with, my limbs have a dull ache from the restlessness. But my head is clearer and I feel, well....fine.

I can go out and see my friends, I can go out and drink and I can go to work.

The thing is, I have become an expert of doing all of these things whilst high anyway. Putting myself through it again, is not a case of if but when.

The Disgusting Housemate.

2011-10-10T21:26:00.000+01:00

Most of us have probably had a problematic housemate, someone who eats all your food or doesn't clean up after themselves or generally just annoys you. I am about to tell you a story of my roommate woes right now. I titled the post 'The Disgusting Housemate' because, and I think you will agree, she is horrendously filthy.

I moved into this house last November and I still remember clearly the disappointment I felt when I came to view it, it wasn't the type of house I would normally live in. But this was quickly remedied when I saw the room I am currently living in. It was in the attic, it was spacious and I immediately fell in love with it. As I said I have been here almost a year, the longest I have stayed in a rented property.

Several people have moved in and out of the house, it is a gay house share. One day my friend J was visiting me and saw that two of the rooms where empty and he inquired if anyone was due to move in and I said there wasn't. I had lived with J before and it wasn't a very positive experience. When he told me he wanted to move in I obviously had my reservations but I gave him the landlords number anyway. I thought that J would not have the money to pay the rent anytime soon but I was dismayed the next day to learn that he had wired the money to the landlord and would move in the next week.

There was nothing I could do about it now and I decided to try and make the best of it, it started to go down hill though when J's friend, lets call her H, moved in. At first I was even pleased, she was a nice girl, chilled out and on my level and she had a really cute dog. The problem is she is too laid back but at the same time she destroys everything in her wake. She left her crap all over the house, used the communal areas of the home like her extended bedroom, leaving cigarette ends, cans and empty food cartons everywhere and is just generally making living in the house almost unbearable.

Our house is not very modern and it could do with some improvements but it was always clean but within a few days our living room was a complete bomb site and the kitchen was full of dishes. J quickly followed in H's footsteps and started leaving his clothes around the house and his dishes, pots and pans around until they started to grow mould. I tried to keep on top of it without nagging but eventually it got to much for me and my other roommate Tom. When ever I confronted her she would always make promises to do it tomorrow, I always thought 'well, why can't you do that now' but as long as she did I was satisfied. She has never washed a single thing without being asked to do so, several time.

The dog has also been a problem, when H let the dog out into the garden he would shit and piss in it and H would just leave it, he also pulled down the curtains and would destroy the mail when it came through the letter box. He was sleeping on the couch and chairs and our living room was really starting to sink.

All these issues where really starting to get to me, I hate living in a messy home and I began looking for a new place to live. When both J and H learned of this, they made a whole load of false promises to change. They cleaned up their mess which by that point had really began to become a serious hazard. But it was just that one time and they continued to let there mess build up again. The other day I went to cook some food and I saw that there was not a single plate, cup, glass or fork in the kitchen. Not one single item. I knocked on H's room and J was in their but she was not. When I walked in I was immediately hit by the smell, it actually smelt of rotten meat. I looked around and saw all our glasses, plates and cups. Some of them mouldy with week old dry food. Cups had smoke butts and ash in them. It was the foulest thing I had ever seen.

I love this room so much and I thought to myself, why should I move out! They should be the ones to go. H and J are fun people and we get along in other situations but I don't want to live with them, I have now fallen out with H over this issue as she is incredibly lazy and makes a hundred excuses and in my opinion is just a filthy human being. She is also 3 months behind in her rent, which in itself is bad but if you can't pay the rent the least you can do is respect the home you are renting and have some consideration for the other people that live there.

She has been given an eviction notice this past weekend and I could not be more pleased. Hopefully she will be gone within 30 days. I have actually approached my landlord and told him I support his decision fully, I want her gone. The sooner the better. I also hope J follows.

I have never loved a living space so much, I have my room just the way I liked it and there really is no reason why I should leave and I won't. I will make sure that I get my house back.

Jobless and Broke.

2011-10-09T14:44:00.001+01:00

It should have happened a lot sooner, I always knew it was coming, that it was on the horizon. That my lifestyle choices would eventually catch up with me and slap me in the face.

I am currently unemployed and have about £100 pound in the bank. This is not the first time this has happened by any means. It is actually a regular occurrence. But right now, I have no safety net, the safety net which is money from home. However, I am actually feeling rather OK about it.

I would spend crazy amounts of money of things I didn't need, knowing that I could rely on that support. In the past that £100 that is in the bank right now would have been spent on clothes or some other frivolous purchase. But no, It will sit in their and won't be spent until I need the essentials. Cigarettes, food or travel.

I am eager to know what differences in me will become apparent from now, I have never really had much of a work ethic, I leave jobs at the drop of a hat. When I am unhappy in work, I don't give it much thought, I just quit. I wonder how I will react to an unhappy work environment when I don't have the option to just quit.

It shall be an interesting transition.

The Break Up

2011-10-03T19:58:00.000+01:00

Do you remember the post I made about relationships and the terms and conditions that usually accompany them? (Read it here).

The perfect couple that I looked up to, used as a template for any future relationship, have made me seriously consider entering into a new relationship, with a new glimmer of hope. Well, they have split up. There have been a whole load of issues which have 'caused' the break up, I won't go into them here as it is not my story to tell.

Whenever I have dealt with a break up directly or seeing a friend or family member, I have always seen it as something that needed to happen. These relationships have been close to breaking point, or one of party has done something which means the relationship cannot plausibly continue, others have just been volatile from the start and it was obvious they would not last long. Regardless of reason, the break up is usually the best thing for everyone involved.

But not in this case, as I said this is not my story to tell but there was some circumstances which may have caused friction in the relationship. They have recently moved from the suburbs to the city centre, one of them has been ill, both are feeling stress from their jobs and they have made a lot of new friends, socialising a lot etc.

I can't help but feel that the stress has got to both of them and they have blamed their relationship for it. They are so perfect together and I am so sad they have come to this decision. They have been together for four years and I am worried they have rushed into the decision. It came about and they had split up in a matter of hours. I do hope this is just blip and when they sit down to talk and figure some stuff out.

On a more selfish level, I want them to get back together as they are very good friends of mine and we socialise a lot and have a lot of fun and I don't want them fun times to end. I like them as a couple and I know they love each other very much and I think the reasons they have broken up can be fixed or changed, it just takes time and might be hard work.

When I split up with my last serious boyfriend, it was on the horizon for months, we had a very volatile 12 months and in the last 6 months, I fell out of love with him, I started to resent him and when I finally took the big step by moving out of our apartment, I was more excited than heartbroken, I was happy. However these two are missing each other very much, it makes no sense to me that they should be apart.

I really hope they get back together, if they cannot make it work, then what hope do the rest of us have.

Going To The Movies Alone.

2011-10-01T03:28:00.000+01:00

I guess it started when Titanic was released back in 1997, I was 10 years old. As a treat my Mum had allowed my brother and I to go to the cinema. My brother brought a friend also. When it came to pick what movie we wanted to see, we could not decide. Well Karl and his friend had decided what they wanted to see, Paw's, a movie about a talking dog and I really wanted to see Titanic. I eventually got my way, however I was going on my lonesome. I eventually went to see Titanic 15 times before it left the cinema, sometimes with friends but more often than not, all by myself.

Going it alone has never been something which has intimidated me, I am perfectly comfortable, dining alone, travelling alone and of course going to the movies alone. Going to clubs alone is a little more daunting for me, last year I forced myself to go out clubbing by myself. I tried it twice and managed to have an OK time, however I do believe, personally, that it is something I would rather enjoy with friends. But I felt a lot better just knowing I could do it. I used to be nervous walking into a club myself, even if when my friends are already inside. I hated that awkward moment where you walk in and it feels like all eyes are on you. You have to look around for your friends and if you don't see them immediately, your start to panic. But now, I can walk into a club without thinking twice about it, I can sit and order a drink and wait for my friends to arrive and not have to worry what people think, because more often than not, they aren't thinking anything, at least not about you.

This past month I have gone to the cinema by myself, it really isn't a big deal. Sometimes there are movies I really want to see and I don't want to wait around for my friends to make plans to go see it. Other times I just feel like going by myself. However, when I have told certain friends, that I have gone to see a particular movie, the first question they ask is who did you go with? and when I say no one, they pull a face. The face that tells me they think there is something wrong with going it alone, that it is sad or even pathetic.

The fact is I am comfortable in my own skin and with my own company. I look at their judgement the same way they look at going to the cinema alone. The fact is most people who have this opinion are just too afraid of the judging looks from the ticket clerks and the concession staff, from the other patrons and of their friends and family. This is what I find sad. I went to see One Day, just a couple of weeks ago and I was not the only one their with an empty seat on either side of me. I got talking to a lovely girl who was sat in the row in front of me. Whilst we waited for the movie to start, we chatted about the book, the casting decisions, how we pictured the characters etc and after the movie had finished, we went and had a coffee and discussed it even further. If I had gone to the cinema with a friend, I would not have met this girl and I probably wouldn't have been able to discuss the book and compare it to the movie, as none of my friends have actually read the book.

There really is nothing wrong with seeing a movie, going to a club or eating out alone. The only one that would care is you. What does it matter what other people think of you. If you haven't done it yet, I strongly suggest you give it a try, it builds character and gives you the freedom to do things you might not get to do in normal circumstances.

I enjoy taking a day to myself, like last week, going on the Manchester Eye, going to see One Day and reading at Piccadilly Gardens. I enjoy my own company, we like the same things, we laugh at the same jokes and listen to the same music. Me and my own company have had some really fun times.

I would be really interested how you feel about doing things all by yourself.

The Scheme

2011-09-27T01:54:00.000+01:00

The scheme was designed for people exactly like me, those who had no pursued a career in journalism either academically or professionally but could demonstrate a desire and passion for writing, journalism and the news. It described me perfectly.

I applied for their Manchester Launch event and luckily I was successful based on the little blurb of information I sent them, outlining why I felt I was eligible for the scheme. That event took place this evening. I hadn't given it much thought over the previous few days, I knew it was coming up but I tried my best not to worry about it and just give it my focus and attention on the day. There where no major decisions being made today, there really was nothing for me to worry about. I was just going to get more information about the scheme, listen to some guest talks from already existing journalists who worked for the company. But when I woke up this morning, I was rather nervous, I decided to use the nervous energy I had to research this years scheme and past ones. This probably wasn't my wisest move as all the testimonies seem to strengthen my assumption, that I was not ready for something like this. I didn't have the experience.

Whenever I am agitated or nervous, I can never sit around and wait, I needed to get out of the house. I walked around the City Centre, had some lunch and read the days papers, just in case I was asked about any of the current events.

I knew why I was nervous, I was about to meet a whole lot of people with similar dreams and goals to me. I was dreading the inevitable question about my education or experience and having to explain myself to strangers and potential employers. How could I possibly explain that to write for a living is my dream job, when I had previously done absolutely nothing to achieve it, it wouldn't hold much credibility. I was also worried that some of the information I obtained throughout the course of the evening would dissuade me from actually following the application process through. That immediately, someone, anyone could identify that I wasn't talented or ambitious enough.

When I arrived, I was too nervous to really speak to anyone and everyone looked so different that it was impossible to size up any potential competition. We were split into 2 groups and we had brief introduction to the speakers. During a Q+A session with a well known guest speaker, I managed to ask to important and relevant questions and during an exercise, I managed to demonstrate my competitive edge and also skills at extracting information from someone. No notes where being taken and none of the speakers probably even know my name right now but it made me feel more at ease. When I eventually spoke to other participants, I realized that everyone had a varied professional and academic background and it was stressed that it was not something they looked to heavily into.

Finally, we finished up with a Q+A session with the current trainee journalists, I stood up to ask my questions and I fully understood it may have been brazen of me to ask it so publicly. But I couldn't help myself. I asked of all the current trainee's, who had the least education and if they were willing to answer the question, how did they overcome that objection at interview. The question was answered by on the the trainee's and his answer made me feel even more positive about applying.

By the time the course was done, all my doubts, worries and fears had been addressed. I am actually looking forward to getting my application in. However, even if I am not successful, I have been given a lot of advice, tips and idea's on how to get more practical experience.

A Day Of Solitude

2011-09-21T20:27:00.001+01:00

Today has been a really fun, interesting day for me. I had a bit of disaster with Coffee boy yesterday but he made a suggestion, that I go do something today, seeing as I am not in work right now. Although it did not end well, I decided to take his advice on board.

I left my house early in the morning and I still hadn't decided what to do with myself. However a couple of weeks ago I had thought of some idea's for a Tattoo that I wanted. I decided, that no better day to get it done, than today. Here it is...

It means Friend [Male Noun] in Latin, I had the idea to get it after I wrote the love letter to my friends on this blog, just a few weeks ago. It only took a few minutes, I was in and out of there, in less than 10 minutes. I am really pleased with it and I am glad to say it turned out exactly the way I pictured it in my head.

When I was done, I went to say hello to a friend for a few minutes, once I was done, I walked out of the shopping district he worked, I was faced with the Manchester eye. I am forever telling myself I will go on that ride, every time I walk past it, I never do though, until today. I Q'd up with all the couples and the families, declined to have my picture taken, plugged in my MP3 and played it as loud as I could. It went around 4 times. I spent about 20 minutes, chilling as it went around. Although, it would probably be a lot better at night, it was still a lot of fun.

I am currently reading One Day right now, its been a slow read as I have just been reading it on the bus for maybe 10-20 minutes per day, if that. Sometimes, I prefer to read the metro or the M.E.N. Yesterday, I went to see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy with coffee boy. I really enjoyed the movie, although it took a while to get going and tend to stall for bits before the exciting climax. But it got me in a 'what else do I want to see' buzz and I knew that One Day had been out in cinema for a while and I didn't want to run the risk of it leaving the cinema before I got around to seeing it. So I bought my ticket, popcorn and Coke....

I am glad that I had not finished the book before seeing this movie, as the dramatic swerve in direction near the end of the movie would not have held as strongly had I seen it coming. It also would not have had the effect on me had I read it, sometimes I need the visual to feel the full impact. I was a little disappointed with Hathaway's portrayal of Emma. She wasn't as feisty enough for me and kept dipping into various English dialects, particularly the Yorkshire accent, which was very distracting. However Jim Sturgess as Dexter, was exactly how I had pictured him in my head whilst I read. An enjoyable read and an enjoyable movie.

So there you have it, my strange but exciting day.

Quitting, Drinking and Dating

2011-09-19T00:35:00.001+01:00

It is Sunday evening and I am currently nursing the biggest hangover I have had in a while. I have nothing specific to blog about today, feeling a little uninspired right now. But it has been eventful week.

I quit another job on Wednesday. I had quickly taken the position when I quit my job at the recruitment consultancy firm. I knew I wasn't going to stay very long, when I was doing the training I wasn't giving it my full attention, I wasn't giving it any attention. When the training came to an end I quietly told our trainer that it wasn't for me and that I didn't want to continue, collected my things and left. I still have that apprenticeship interview on the 26th and I will re-asses what it is I want to do after that.

When I got home I was just chilling on the internet, chatting on Facebook with a guy I liked. A friend in common had uploaded a photograph of a friend of his messing about, I commented on the photo saying the guy in the photo was hot. The guy in the photo then sent me a friend request and we have been chatting ever since. I told him about the job situation and stuff and he then asked me to go for coffee. We went to the Cornerstone in Manchester City Centre. I don't usually do dates, especially not coffee dates but I thought, 'fuck it' I have nothing better to do. But I was glad that he suggested going to the Village to have a drink. It was a very pleasant evening but he did seem a little disappointed when I decided to go home early.

On Saturday I went for dinner at my friend Ali's. We watched the X-Factor and ate some burgers and hot dogs. Afterwards, I arranged to meet some other friends for drinks. I was hoping Ali and his boyfriend Dempsey would come. Ali decided to stay in as he had a presentation to do in work, next day. Dempsey however did decide to come. Ali is one of my best friends and Dempsey is also a very good friend but we haven't spent much one on one time together and I was a little worried that we might struggle to find things to talk about. I didn't need to worry, we had such a blast and I ended up getting really drunk. We were drinking cocktail pitchers and at one point, we weren't even pouring them into glasses, just drinking them from the jug with a straw! I woke up at Ali and Dempsey's and I had no idea where I was or how I got there. I staggered home at mid-day, still very drunk.

It has been eventful week, quit a job, had a date and went out 3 nights in a row.

Manchester - Robbery Victim Killed by Bus.

2011-09-12T20:08:00.001+01:00

I thought I was pretty much desensitised to anything that could happen in the world. The news has never been something which has effected me negatively before. I thought I had just grown to accept that the world is not a very nice place. I have never been shocked by it, although I have felt a sympathy before, there was always that subtle sense relief that it was not happening to me or my loved ones.

I can't put my finger on why this story is any different, but when I read it and watched the accompanying video, I was genuinely upset by it. It could be the fact that it happened just down the road from me. It holds a certain tragic heroism to it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about.....

Manchester student David Mark Schofield was in pursuit of a thief, who had snatched his mobile phone, when he was hit and killed by a bus. This happened on Saturday night. The video is not easy to watch, but solidifies just how tragic this story is.

I was stunned after I watched the video. But it did get me thinking, what would I have done, in the exact same situation? I can't say I wouldn't have tried to catch someone who had stolen from me because I would have done.

It is just so tragic. What a waste of a valuable young life.

Money

2011-09-11T15:03:00.002+01:00

I am a spender, shopping is a major past time of mine. There is nothing I love more to do browse through the aisles and pick out the things I like and want. I like buying things, any things, I just like to buy.

Well rounded, wise, people will save up for the things they want, that aren't considered essentials. Whilst normal people save, they will usually cut back on the luxuries and with the bigger picture in mind, they will go with out. Not me, I usually do it the other way round, the wrong way round perhaps.

I usually buy something and go without afterwards. I have never successfully saved for anything in my life. I usually just buy it as soon as money hits my account. I am also a terrible borrower. I borrow from my family and my friends too. I pay it back and I return the favour when ever it is required.

Last summer I spent €5000 in about 4 weeks and I have nothing physical to show for it except a tattoo and some awesome memories of my holiday in Ibiza. I have never once had a salary payment that lasted the whole month, usually I just have enough to buy some cigarettes.

I can relate so much to the character of Rebecca Bloomwood from the Confession of Shopaholic series of books by Sophie Kinsella. I have often had moments of rationalizing which was, well, irrational. I can convince myself that the worst spending choice will actually be of valuable use to me. When more often than not, it isn't. I will buy clothes I won't wear, food I won't eat. Whenever my friends and I do something special, like visit another city, I always seem to spend way more than everyone else, even though we have done the exact same things.

I would love to be frugal, but I am not. I have always been impulsive, I can hike up and move house, job or country as soon as the thought enters my head, I am restless. It's a flaw, depending on your outlook. Whenever I am flat broke, I think of my friends and family members who manage their money well, who save enough for the things they want and pay their bills on time and I wish I was more like them.

But when pay day comes, I force that thought to the back of my mind and buy myself something pretty.

Relationships : Terms and Conditions apply.

2011-09-03T18:20:00.001+01:00

It was Friday night but due to the fact that Manchester Pride was last weekend and I am still feeling its effects, so I didn't go out. Money was also an issue. A good friend of mine was also staying in and we got talking on MSN. We chatted about the usual things, friends, people we didn't like and then we shared some secrets.

Eventually we got onto the subject of relationships, my friend has been in a relationship for several years and my curiosity had raised some questions. I didn't know anyone else who had been in a gay relationship for for as long as he had been. A monogamous and seemingly happy one at least.

I have known him and his boyfriend for about 6/7 months now and in the past few weeks we have spent a lot of time together socially and it has given me the opportunity to make some observations. They are also friends with another couple who have also been in a long term relationship, but the differences, between them and their dynamics, are staggering.

I am single and I am not really looking for a relationship, not that I would turn it away should it present itself. But my curious mind as always had some questions. We might as well get to the good stuff first, Sex. Having been together for a number of years, I was interested in how much sex they have a week. I was interested in comparing their sex life, to that of former relationship I had. My last serious relationship was over 18 months and when we first got together we were obviously hot and heavy but as time went on, we had sex less and less. 3 or 4 times a week instead of the usual everyday.

My friend and his partner have sex at least twice a week, and after 4 years,this seems to be perfectly normal. However the other long term relationship we discussed was significantly different, after 4 years together, their sex life was non-existent. One was more than willing but the other for whatever reason, was not sexually inclined and it has been a long time since they had sex. This made me wonder....

Sex is a major part of a relationship, for me at least. It can be a major cause of frustration and friction. I know in past relationships, I have argued about sex, due to one of us being to eager or not in the mood. For someone to remain in a relationship where the sex life was non-existent, well they must really love that person. But I couldn't help but feel that if you are in a relationship and you are not interested in sex, you should probably explore open relationships or allowing your partner to have sex with others.

My friend and his partner after 4 years are very comfortable with each other and they use different things to spice it up in the bedroom, for instance they use porn as an arousal tool and they even save porn on their computer for each other. This was something completely alien to me, porn was a big no no in my last relationship, partly due to the insecurity of my boyfriend. It was very interesting, I enjoy porn and have never used it as a tool to enhance sex outside of a random hook up.

The main reason I find their relationship so intriguing is not only down to the fact they have lasted 4 years, which to me is a very long time, but they have also managed to remain affectionate, close and above all they don't argue very often. Arguing was a big part of all of my relationships, petty pointless arguments, not the passion filled arguments that eventually led to intense make up sex.

A big requirement for any future relationships is freedom, the freedom to go out with my friends, the freedom to have my own space and to live my own life. To be honest, I didn't think it was possible, I always assumed that it was something you had to 'compromise' to be with the one you love. Once again my friends relationship has made me see that it is possible.

They have seperate friends, seperate interests, they can socialise without each other, without it seeming contrived. We have all seen that couple who claim to have that kind of relationship, but constantly check up on each other, trying to find out what they are doing, who they are with and before you know it, they just show up out of the blue anyway. But no, they have it down to a fine art.

But in comparison to their relationship, I have another friend who has just entered into a relationship with someone long distance, its such a young relationship and is already marred with problems, they don't trust each other, one is constantly flirting with other guys, they 'break up' over every little argument and petty squabble.

It just goes to show you how different relationships can be, difficult or easy, depending on how much work both parties are willing to put into it. It also shows me that there is no point in getting into a relationship just for the sake of it. I don't mind waiting.

I have a lot of terms and conditions for a relationship, most would probably say they are unreasonable but I have a new hope that it is out there somewhere. I just have to find it.

Star

2011-09-02T19:44:00.000+01:00

I am still very upset that my dog has passed away. It has come as a total shock, although she was 11 years old. She was a really energetic and happy dog. My entire family is grieving, I have been crying all day and hearing how my young nieces have reacted to the news has just made me feel worse.

I never truly understood the grief that people emoted when a pet died, I would say all the right things, offer my condolences but I never really got it. Until now. I have never even grieved this much when a relative or someone I knew passed on. It has hit everyone in the family hard, as I said before, she has been with us for so long, through everything.

She really was a classy lady, she wouldn't eat in front of us or jump up for food when we would prepare it, she also wouldn't do her business in front of people. She would curl up at the bottom of my bed. When she was in the house she would be so placid, calm. But she loved to jump around and bark when you played with her. She loved her freedom and to be independent, we would let her out of the house by herself, she would run around and explore for a while and then come to the front door when she was done.

I spoke to my Brother this evening and he told me that the house and the garden feel so empty without her and that he also has never cried so much over a loss. We have never been touched by death before, we lost an aunt last year but we were not close. I am dreading the fact that when I return home to Dublin to visit my family, that she won't be there.

My Mother was shocked to find her on the grass this morning. She noticed that she was herself on Monday and Tuesday but she seemed to be her normal self again on Wednesday. I just hope that she wasn't in pain and I am sorry that I could not have been there to help bury her, my Mother had to do it alone. She was buried under the patch of grass behind our shed which she liked to dig up with her paws and then refill again, only to do the process over and over.

I loved her and shes gone, its very hard to deal with that fact.

A Shooting Star

2011-09-02T12:45:00.000+01:00

I remember the first day I saw her, so tiny, so cute, so perfect. A friends dog had some puppies and she was going door to door to see if anyone wanted to take one. A border collie/Alsation mutt, but the cutest little thing I ever seen. Even though she had ticks and mange, I loved her.

I knew my Mother would probably say no if I asked her could we keep her, so I took her and only told my Brother Karl. Together we managed to keep her a secret for about a week. Surprisingly when my Mother found out, she wasn't angry or upset. She wanted to keep her just as much. The date we got her was January 6th 2000.

She has been through everything with us as family. Illness, death, pain, happiness and even remained calm during a house fire. She wasn't a very good security dog, but she was so loving and friendly.

Today, I received the news that she has passed on. I was, am, shocked. Although she was 11 years old, she was still spry, had a lot of life in her and was still very energetic. I am going to miss her.

Une lettre d'amour, à mes amis

2011-08-30T22:54:00.000+01:00

In highschool, I wasn't very popular. I wasn't any popular. I wasn't butch, I didn't like sports and I made some very bad fashion choices. I was sombre and miserable, I would have been self harming if I wasn't so afraid of the pain. I would have been wearing black eyeliner and nail varnish, but I didn't like rock music. I can say this now without any sense of irony but I was a loser. I had buckets of attitude but not a friend to my name.

When I came out, I started going out a lot more, meeting people and deciding what kind of person I wanted to be. But it was never really the right fit, I had plenty of friends on Friday and Saturday night but no one to call come Monday morning.

This weekend was Manchester Prides, big weekend and it was the most amazing, magical and special four days I have ever had, it felt like it was the climax to years of hard work in finding the right mix of people that I could call my friends, regardless of what day of the week it was. From my friends in Dublin, to my boys in Manchester. I have a group of people I can be myself with 100% of the time.

It wasn't easy finding these people, they have usually been the result of meeting all the wrong types of people. The type of friends who will surprise me for my birthday, who will surprise me just for the sake of it. The type of friends who know I am going to say, even before I say it. The type of friends who encourage me to be better people, just by being the amazing people they are. The ones' that get my jokes, even when they are not funny.

The ones' that put up with my bullshit, my erratic behavior and choices, the one that pick me up of the floor when I have crashed. They are the reason I wake up in the morning.

A few weeks ago I looked at a friend who has in a relationship, him and his boyfriend share a very special one. It made me wonder, if it was time for me to try and establish that kind of bond, commitment. But after this weekend, I have realized, I have all the men in my life that I need for now.

Manchester Pride

2011-08-25T18:06:00.000+01:00

Today is the big kick off for Manchester Pride, well it is for me at least.

I probably won't post much over the next few days, so forgive me. But I will drinking some, dancing some and partying some with my boys.

Happy Manchester Pride.

Oh and I got the job.

The Right Decision

2011-08-24T15:08:00.000+01:00

Its been a few days since I quit my job and I don't regret it for one second. Although I have some regret for letting it get this far when I knew almost immediately that it wasn't for me. But I have definitely made the right decision.

Luckily my old employers have been really understanding and professional about the whole saga. I have received a couple of really nice emails from my manager and the director of the company, their reassurances have made me feel less guilty for leaving them in the lurch.

I have been thinking long and hard about what I want to do and it is not take another full time job in an industry I don't want to work in. I want to do journalism and I applied to take part in the BBC Journalism Scheme which take place in September. It is a long shot but they are looking for people without a professional journalism background and they are willing to take on apprentices without experience but with talent. I have also been looking into taking a distance learning course in creative writing and journalism, which will give me an NVQ3, I just have to figure out how where I will get the £500 to pay for it. I am excepting donations at this time.

I have applied for some jobs to keep me going in the meantime, jobs that will pay me but not take too much effort, effort that can be applied to studying. That was the problem with my job I quit, it required me to be on the ball 100% 24/7 and that is not what I need right now, If I was looking into it as long term career goal then yeah, it would be expected. I interviewed for job today, a menial office job, which will give me the freedom to study without monopolizing all of my energy. I will find out tomorrow if I was successful.

Other than that I have spent the past couple of days with friends, we had a great time last night, drinking some wine, eating pizza and playing trivial pursuit. My team won which was great but the winning question was perfect. Everyone knows I love Buffy, It is my all time favourite TV show, there is nothing about this show I do not know. The final trivial pursuit question showed a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar and asked out of the following shows, which did she not star in. The options were Buffy, Angel, Scooby Doo and Charmed. If you know the answer, leave it in the comment box below. It was perfect night, which took my mind of my current situation.

A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. ~Rita Mae Brown

I Quit

2011-08-22T15:01:00.001+01:00

I had a really nice day yesterday, I had spent the day with some friends, watching movies and enjoying a really nice home cooked meal. But in the back of my head the thoughts of going back to work after the weekend were rising in my head. For most of the day, it was a nagging thought. When I returned home in the evening, it was all I could think about, I don't have a nervous disposition, this was was plaguing me as I went to sleep.

I wanted it to work but I knew the place was not for me. When I woke up, it felt like I was preparing to go to jail. This is not how I want to live. On Friday, the relief to be out of work was actually worrying. Why did I hate working there so much? My feelings are it must have been the industry in which I worked, predominantly sales.

I got ready for work and I sat on my bed and thought, what is best for me? This job certainly was not it. I emailed my manager to tell her I wouldn't be returning and that I was sorry for any inconvenience that I caused. It took several drafts, I stared at the message for what seems like hours before I sent it. Normally, I would not worry about letting down a faceless corporation but I feel like I have let a lot of people down. But dragging this out would end up costing the company more money. It was cowardly of me to send an email, climb into bed and try not to think about it.

Now, my financial situation is somewhat precarious but the weight is off my shoulders. I obviously just have to figure some stuff out.

I am sure it will all work out in the end.

Ask Me Anything - The Results.

2011-08-17T21:17:00.003+01:00

So, after a few days of getting your questions and thinking long and hard about how I wanted to answer them. I also to be as frank, open and honest as possible.

So lets get on with the show.

John Gray over at Going Gently asked about a film that literally made me sob. The first film I ever shed a tear too was Beauty and The Beast, that moment where you think Beast is a gonner, luckily for Belle he wakes up and morphs into a beautiful blond god, not so lucky for me, I much preferred beast as a hairy monster, some possible foreshadowing of my penchant for bears . But a film that made me actually sob? It is a toss up between too moves, My Sisters Keeper and The Lovely Bones. I cried like a baby watching both of these movies. If I had to pick though, it would by My Sisters Keeper, it hit me so hard in the heart. The book made me cry just as much.

David Allen Waters over at Alokoli asked, where is the weirdest place I had sex. When I first read this question a clear cut answer jumped into my head but then as I thought of it, there has been several weird places I have had sex. A Cemetery, In a park, on top of one of the tallest buildings in Manchester, in a life, in the changing rooms of a British Home Store, In a bar and its associated toilets and dark corners..... It was hard to pick just one, but the most interesting to me was my encounter with a member of staff on the Ferry from Holyhead to Dublin and also on the return journey. The sex was good and the guy was cute, upgraded to hot because of the uniform which was very much like a pilots uniform. I compare all my ferry trips to this one and have many times tried to recapture the magic but I always end up disappointed.

Jason over Jason Shaw's Seafront Diary wondered where I went when I need inspiration. Although it is a short question, it is also a very loaded question. To answer where I go for inspiration, I had to think about what I find inspiring. What really gets my thinking juices is going is putting my head phones in, turning up the volume of my MP3 player and just walking, anywhere, anytime. I just walk and think and I think with retrospection and wonder about my life. I find once I am done, that I can write for days. My thoughts and feeling are more tapped and I understand them better. I find others inspiring, authority figures, authors, musicians, friends and family.

Sideon of Sideons Sanctuary wanted to know, which blogger would I like to meet and where would I like to meet him or her. There are plenty of bloggers out there that I would love to meet in person and there are some I already have. Dean from Exploding Doughnut is someone in particular I would love to meet, I know we would have lots to talk about. There is a special place I would like to meet to, without giving too much away, as it is his story to tell and not mine, I would meet him in Dublin. Show him the places he didn't get to see, show him the city from a very different perspective.

Phoenix from Sparks of Inspiration asked, who is my hero and why. This is another hard question to answer because I find a lot of people heroic and through their inspiring work or attitude have become heroes to me. Amy Dumas as Lita in the WWF, Beyonce for her music and vocal power, Barack Obama for giving the world hope, Margaret Thatcher for proving that women kick ass. I could go on and on. But there is one person who outshines all of them, not many people know him or would be able to appreciate how special he is. It is probably something only I can see, that is because that person is my Brother Karl. He is 2 years older than me so from the time I was born he has been my hero. As we have grown older the love and support he gives me just strengthens that opinion. He has saved my life many times, literally and metaphorically. I am so lucky to have him, not just a Brother but as a best friend.

The next question was from Michelle from Vain Minutia wanted to know, when she travels to this side of the world, England and Ireland to be specific, where must she absolutely make sure she visits. My regular readers will know me well enough to know that I of course recommend Manchester, England. It is a fantastic city, great shopping, nightlife, clubbing, restaurants. There is just so much to do here, but it doesn't have the cold impersonal feel of bigger cities like London or Birmingham. Dublin is a bit trickier, although it is a massive tourist city, there are not many places I can recommend. If you want to do typical tourist attractions, there is the Guiness Factory, which is quite enjoyable and also the Viking Bus Tour, which drives around the City before it drives into the sea at Dublin Docks. You must go to Temple Bar to have a drink and soak up some of the culture Dublin has to offer.

Java Junkies author Rob wanted to know if I could fix ONE global issue that plagues this world, what would it be. I picked world hunger. Not only would it mean that children in third world countries would not be starving to death, the money that the entire global economy pumps into third world countries could be used towards fighting crime, bringing down the national debt, improving health services and research into global warming. Those third world countries might then be able to develop more, with better education and health care, spread of the HIV/AID's virus would decrease due to the availability sex education and access to contraception. Everyone is a winner.

You have won your 'week from Heaven' dream package. What would you do? Where would you do it and Why? asks Biki from You Could Have It So Much Better. This is a difficult one, I have so many things I have wanted to do, with so many different people. But my holiday to Ibiza was heaven, I had the most amazing time and I would love to experience something like that again. All my friends, my Brother Karl and the islands of Ibiza. Drinking, drugs and casual sex.

Erik over at the Electronic Replicant asks, if Aliens landed on your street and seeing as I would be the defacto ambassador, what would I say? and if they asked me to go with them when they leave would I go? I would say 'bow to your leader' might as well establish my authority early on. I would of course go with them when they leave. I would be to curious to not. I would want to see whats out there.

Scott from Travel With Scott wanted to know if I read my old posts and wonder why I did the things that I have done and have any of my old posts changed my actions in the future. I regularly read my old blog posts, usually just to enjoy a bit of harmless nostalgia but as far as I am aware, on a conscious level none of those posts have made me change my behavior significantly. Subconsciously, it can be argued that writing the post in itself plants the seed in my thought process which prevents me from engaging in behaviors that I shouldn't. I really have no idea what these are though.

3 questions in one comment from Jeremy from My Arch Enemy. The first, what is my favourite type of cheese? I want to say something classy like mozzarella, blue stilton or feta. But really I am happy with an Easi Single slice cheese. Slap that baby on a hamburger and I good to go. Cats or Dogs, I like both but Cats don't run to you when you come home, they don't jump on you, yearning for your attention. Dogs do and thats why they trump their feline enemies.

Another 3 questions from Alec Lindsay.What would you really like to say to somebody you've never been quite honest with, who is it, and why haven't you been honest? I had to think about this for a long time and in most aspects of my life I am an open book, I am honest about everything except this one thing. I have had drug dependency issues for such a long time and I have never discussed it with my best friend Paul, I suspect he knows, he sometimes reads this blog. We have talked about everything else it seems but I have never been brave enough to bring it up.

The next question was left anonymously and it asks me to tell you guys about a choice I have made where in retrospect I have realized it was the incorrect choice and given the chance, would I go back and change it. I know every body says this and I know most don't mean it. But there really is nothing I would change, every decision, every moment, every bit of pain, heartache, happiness and doubt have led me to where I am now. When something bad happens, sure at the time I think 'man this sucks' or 'what the fuck have I done' but once enough time has passed, I can appreciate the effect it has had on me or my life. So no, I wouldn't change a thing.

Onto the last question now. However if anyone else would like to me to answer another question, just leave a comment and when I have a few more, I will complete another post.

Troy , the Author of October Rising wanted to know, If has one superpower what would it be. This is an easy one, I day dream about often enough. I would want to have the same powers that Storm from the X-Men has. Although I don't want the dodgy white hair or the Nubian accent. I would love to have my eyes grey over and cause a flash of lightening or control other aspect of the weather. Plus she also floats. Can't beat a good floating.

Ask Me Anything

2011-08-15T21:25:00.001+01:00

I have seen others do this on their blog and I think it is a fun little exercise. I am asking my readers out there to participate. Feel free to ask my any question you like, whether it be something you have always wanted to know but I haven't blogged about it before or something a little bit silly like my favourite sex position. (Doggy FYI)

I will answer all questions as honestly and detailed as I can. Once I have all the questions, I will make a new post with the answers in a few days.

I am looking forward to the challenge.

Sunday Stealing - The Nasty Meme

2011-08-14T13:56:00.001+01:00

I usually do these survey meme's when I have nothing to blog about or if I am in a really good mood and a depressing blog post will wreck my buzz.

1. What has been your longest love relationship?

Reciprocated? My longest relationship was just over 18 months. A very unhappy relationship to say the least. I never usually make statements like this, and enough time has passed to know it is not said in resentment but he simply wasn't good enough for me.

2. What was the last gift that you received?

My friend Ben went to New York recently and he brought me home a framed black and white picture which said Gay Street. My friend Paul went to Las Vegas last week and I know he brought me back something but I haven't had the chance to open it yet. The 3 of us tend to give each other presents after trips etc. I like giving presents so there has been times when I have just bought them stuff for the sake of it.

3. What do you spend your extra cash on?

Clothes, tanning, shoes, drugs. More often than not, I don't spend my extra cash on that stuff, I spend my only cash!

4. If you could live anywhere would you live?

Manchester, I really mean that. I have said this a million times but I absolutely love this city. I have my moments where I think I am done but really I am just as head over heels in love with place as I was first time I stepped onto its soil.

5. Who's your cell provider?

Vodafone. I have a really good tariff too. But my bills can be anywhere up to £100 a month. Calling home to Ireland is expensive. I have Skype but I need to get a headset. I always forget.

6. What's your favorite mall store?

I tend to always find something I like in H and M. But I usually just go there for T-shirts and hoodies. Topman is my favourite place for jeans. In recent years I have gotten more daring with my fashion choices and started wearing things(and loving them on)that before I wouldn't have.

7. What's the longest job that you've had?

When I was 16 I got a job in McDonald's and it was the most fun job I have ever had. People rag on Micky's a lot but it is a really good place to work. Testament to fact I stayed there for three and half years. I was a manager by the time I left.

8. If you won the lottery, who'd you call first?

My brother Karl probably. Although I should probably tell the National Lottery people first.

9. If you won, how would you spend your money after investments?

Investments? Depending on how much I won, I would make sure everyone I love is set up for life. Then I would fuck of and go travelling around the world on my own.

10. When was the last time you went to church (or a religious house)?

I went to my nephews christening last month. I am not a big church person. I get the giggles which is often highly inappropriate.

11. What's the biggest lie that you've heard?

Someone once told my they were raped, I didn't believe it because I am 100 percent sure it didn't happen. It was just an excuse for some real inexcusable behavior.

12. When you go out with your friends, where do you go?

This a really vague question, we tend to do a lot. We go shopping, hit bars, cinema, day trips. I don't really know what this question wants me to say.

13. When was the last time that you cried?

A few weeks ago my housemate and good friend Junior brought one of his workmates Jason home and we all chilled and listened to music in my room. A couple of weeks later I heard that Jason's mother had been killed in a terrible car accident. I didn't know Jason that well, in fact I didn't need to know him well to be so upset for him. I couldn't get him out of my head for a couple of days. It obviously made me think about my own mother and how I would feel if i lost her.

14. What food do you hate?

LIVER! It is fucking disgusting. I remember my mother used to make this for me and my brother, knowing perfectly well that we hated it. The feeling that it leaves on your tongue is forever ingrained in my memory. I can't tell you enough how horrible liver is.

15. What do you like best about yourself?

My confidence and sense of humor. Although I am not the prettiest person in the world. I am extremely confident and self aware.

16. What's the longest shift that you worked at a job?

I worked for an online casino a few years ago. It was a small operation and doing the night shift needed only 2 people and on Sundays one person was required to answer emails, monitor chats, take payments etc. I had done a 12 hour night shift once and I was due to finish at 7am. However the person due to take over the shift didn't show so I had to stay. I called around to see if anyone could come in and let me go but no one was available. I worked the full shift by myself and did a full 24 hours.

17. What was the last concert that you attended?

Kesha at the 02 Apollo in Manchester. I wasn't a massive Kesha fan but I had a blast at this concert. She is chucks out that electo auto tune like nobody else. I got drunk but not too drunk as to not remember the concert the next day. That is what happened when I went to see Alexandra Burke.

18. What the last DVD (or Blu Ray, of course) movie that you watched?

Bring it on 3. All or Nothing.

19. How did you like the film?

I have seen it a million times. It is my favourite of all the Bring it On movies. Hayden Pantierre and Solange Knowles star and it brings the franchise to the streets of Crenshaw Heights.

20. What comedian do you love?

Alan Carr would be favourite but I also like Jo Brands dry humor.

21. Do you ever sleep in the nude?

No, I am slightly weird when it comes to bed clothes. I have to be wearing pyjama bottoms, t-shirts and socks. If I am not then I am not getting any sleep.

22. Have you ever had a long distance relationship?

No and I don't think I would either. If I get with someone I want them to be here, now, whenever I need them. I don't want to have to travel across the country to see my significant other.

23. What do you think of astrology?

I like to believe in its purpose I really do.

24. What's you're favorite lyric quote from a song?

Lean on me, when you're not strong, i'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on.

25. Tell us something random about yourself.

I don't have a TV License.

26. Have ever attended a theme party? If yes, do tell.

I have attended loads, Army, Superheros.... I am not going to list them.

27. What is your favorite thing about winter?

The cold, I love cold. I much prefer to be colder than hot. I love winter fashion.

28. What was the name of your first pet?

Lassie, original I know. I watched her get hit by a truck. My brother and Sister were walking with me to school and Lassie always followed and then once we were in school she would go home. Sometimes she would go home and then come back and meet me when I finished. We were crossing the road and she ran out ahead of us and got hit by the truck. It was very upsetting and traumatic.

29. What have you done so far this weekend?

I had drinks at a friends and then I went out.

30. Has your humor ever been called “sick”?

Borderline, I tend to enjoy humor which others consider offensive. I love the humor from Family Guy.

31. If you could have one thing, what would it be?

I really want an I-Phone right now, will some one buy me one?

Perspective.

2011-08-13T01:00:00.002+01:00

When my Mother was over for the weekend recently, we had gone for a meal and to see a show. My Mother was is a not a big drinker and the 4 glasses of wine she had over the course of the day and evening left her drunk. I get nervous when she is drunk and the fact we were in a busy place only added to it.

I took her to see my friends at my local club. I was eager for Paul to meet my Mother, Paul is my best friend and after nearly 3 years they still hadn't met. We had a bit of a dance and she had another drink. Once that drink hit the spot it was time to take her home.

I decided to rejoin my friends and when I got there, they all told me how funny she was and that they loved her. Although I wasn't really that embarrassed, I felt it appropriate to make excuses for her, to tell them I was mortified that she was drunk. Again, I don't know why. Isn't that what all people in their twenties say when their parents are put into social situations with their friends. No, it's not. Its what teenagers say, but for some reason I hadn't got out of mind frame.

So I was telling them how embarrassed I was and making excuses as to why she had gotten drunk. She really isn't a drinker these days and despite having a meal, they went straight to her head. I must have been going on about it to much, when my friend Jonathon pulled me aside.

Jonathon is part of my circle of friends but I wouldn't say we were close, we have a laugh together and what not but we know very little about each others personal lives and backgrounds. He pulled me aside to talk and explained that his parents died when he was very young, which I did not know. He explained that to have the opportunity to introduce his Mother to his friends and to take her clubbing would be a dream come through, one that would never be fulfilled. He continued by saying that I won't realise it now until she is gone but I will cherish the memory of our day out.

It really put the relationship I have with my Mother into perspective. I wasn't embarrassed about her, I was worried yes. But I never got over that teenager mentality that everything out parents do is designed to make us cringe. I really appreciated how his words effected me. It has also made our friendship closer.

Not Fitting In.

2011-08-10T22:08:00.000+01:00

Something isn't clicking. It doesn't feel right.

I am a week and half into my new job and I have to say I am not optimistic. Usually at this point I have my role down to a fine art. I have a group of people who I can have a decent banter with and I am generally just ticking all the boxes and kicking proverbial ass.

In my previous work related post I explained how nervous I was and how I was almost feeling overwhelmed and I beginning to think I was right to be anxious. I don't seem to be fitting in at all and its really knocking my confidence. The industry I work in is predominantly sales and I forgot how sales people could be such dick heads. Everyone I work with is on strict targets and they bounce of each other and are motivated by getting that win. My job is more administrative and we have nothing in common. It is being able to share that camaraderie in the initial 'getting to know everyone' period which builds to friendship and becoming strong work mates. Plus sales people are a different breed, they tend to be arrogant and Machiavellian in personality and just not they type of people I like to work with. Unfortunately the people In my office seem to conform to this stereotype.

The women I work with in the admin side of the company are all in their late 30's and early 40's, have children and mortages and like the sales people, I am having trouble relating. I am not having any fun and all my conversations feel so forced and contrived. They are not seeing the positive side to me, I am way more, fun, intelligent, witty and clever and they have not seen any of that.

The job is difficult also but that is not a problem because I am willing to learn but unfortunately have no one to teach me. There are a lot of complex procedures I have to follow and I don't know some of them and when I go to ask people they always have that 'I so don't have time for this look'. Which I can understand, as they say, time is money. But then they expect me to perform with only knowing bits and pieces. I drafted an email which put these observations on record and I contemplated sending it to my manager. I didn't, as I thought that surely if they are good at their job they would realize that there is a gap in the training process and I don't have all the tools to do my job. It is incredibly frustrating.

I tried to give myself a pep talk in the bathroom this morning. 'I am better than this, I need to show them what I am made of' I told myself. It has gotten to a point now that If I don't stand up and make myself heard then I will simply crack under the pressure and leave and that's not something I want to do and If I have to ruffle some feathers or if my critique is not well received then I know in my own head, that I tried.

As I said before, my confidence has taken a blow and being around people and not being able to make conversation with them is alien to me. To feel to stifled and not being able to creative, not being able to laugh and have fun is killing my spirit and when I have finished work this week, Monday, Tuesday and tonight I have been in such a somber mood.

It is disappointing that it has worked out this way but I know that It is up to me to change. I just need to remember it 'will all work out in the end' either way something has to give.

Manchester Burns.

2011-08-09T21:14:00.001+01:00

The shooting of Mark Duggan in Tottenham earlier this week has caused a chain reaction which brings many of Britains prominent cities to their knees. Riots have broken out in London, Liverpool and Birmingham.

Copy cat riots have spread to Manchester City Centre.

It was the talk of the entire office all day, speculation was rife. Warnings were sent out about local travel and getting home. I finished work at about 6pm and when I was pulling up to the City the tension was palpable. Police were everywhere but they were far outnumbered by people, teenagers, in bikes. Clad in tracksuits, hoods up. Trouble was brewing.

Walking through Piccadilly was almost surreal. You could cut the apprehension and tension with a knife. Buses home were cancelled which was to be expected and people were walking out of the city in droves.

Within minutes of getting home, the first reports of looting and buildings being set on fire were released. A Miss Selfridges store on Market Street in Manchester was in flames and area's in Salford were burning. There was thickness in the air even at my home which is about 5 miles away. I was worried about friends in the City Centre. Some had been evacuated from where they worked. But more alarmingly friends were being called back into the City to get to work.

I am glued to the news and wondering what will stand of this beautiful tomorrow.

The Learning Curve.

2011-08-07T22:12:00.000+01:00

I was so tired, just trying to take in all this new information and try and hide my nervousness had zapped my energy completely. The weekend I had probably hadn't helped. My Mother came to visit for the weekend and although we didn't do anything crazy, sleeping on the couch and keeping her entertained had made me even more tired.

I was introduced to a about a million people and shown where I was would be sitting for the couple of weeks worth of training. I was sweating so badly and It was obvious. I couldn't understand what was making me feel so overwhelmed. It is not a feeling I am used to...

Ever since I started working, from around 16 or so, jobs have never been important to me. My happiness always came first and If I disliked a job where it got to a point where getting up and leaving was all I could think off. Then I would do just that. But in saying that, I have never been an important cog in the wheel of a company. Calling in sick or quitting would not effect anyone in negative way for very long.

This job is different, It will be just me doing it and I will have a lot of responsibility. That is a lot of pressure that I have never felt before. It could have a positive impact on me, that has yet to be determined. I talked myself up at the interview like I was a god and I guess I am worried that I can't live up to the promises I made. The spotlight is on me, just me and I am wondering if I can perform the job to the high expectations I have set myself by performing well at the interview stage.

The first two days where set out to familiarise myself with the company and introduce myself to my clients, which was daunting in itself, I was on the sales floor doing this. Already I was noticing why the directors had created my job. The next two days were shadowing some of the admin staff and grasping how much paperwork, red tape and attention to detail I would I need to be on top of. By Friday, I was pretty much doing the job they hired me to do.

I finished work on Friday with a beer at my desk, which is an unusual perk. But I think the next few weeks will be touch.

I am nervous and even a little bit scared. But there is something to prove here.......

Don't Forget Me.

2011-08-03T22:34:00.000+01:00

I haven't gone anywhere!

It's been a week since my last post, which hasn't happened in a long while. I don't want you kind people to forget me.

I had my Mother over this weekend and I started my new job on Monday, It has been hectic to say the least and I am so tired! Even writing this post has zapped my energy! I just need a couple of days to get back into the flow of a normal full time job. Although I have just left a job, the workload and the stress levels were very low and this job is taking a lot of my focus and energy.

Give me a few days, I will be back with an update.

Singing and Thinking.

2011-07-27T02:16:00.000+01:00

I turned of the lights and sat in my chair. I put on some music, I lit a cigarette and I started to sing. I sang for hours and thought about everything while I did so. There was no linear thought path anything that popped into my head, I could relive and remember. Good and bad. Its always been a cathartic experience. Singing as probably been the most consistent activity of my entire existence.

I just thought I would share some of that music with you.

I feel always feel the better for it, lighter.

The Queen Of Extreme - Lita

2011-07-25T18:48:00.000+01:00

I had been watching professional wrestling for about 6 months when she made her debut in February 2000. It was a Sunday afternoon and I was watching Heat on Channel 4. She was paired up with Mexican high flying wrestler Essa Rios'. Her name was Lita.

Lita and Essa Rios

I was immediately entranced as Lita ran to the ring with Essa Rios as he prepared to compete against Gillberg for the Light-heavy Weight Championship. She cheered at ringside as he performed some amazing acrobatic moves and pinned Gillberg for the win after performing a Moonsault. I was further transfixed on this female newcomer when she climbed the ropes and mimicked Essa's Moonsault perfectly, something unheard of by female wrestlers that came before her.

Lita also known as Amy Dumas, had a brief stint with ECW before joining the WWF in 1999, her appearance on that particular episode of Heat in 2000 was unexpected and due to unforseen change in another wrestlers storyline, she was paired with Essa and the rest they say is history. Within weeks she was in high profile fueds with Eddie Guerrero and Chyna and her mimicking of Essa's moves, notably the Hurricanrana and the Moonsault made her one of the WWF's most popular performers.

The WWF in the year 2000 was at its critical and commercial peak, It was having its highest ratings and putting out nearly 6 hours of amazing television a week with monthly PPV's to boot. It was during this peak, that I got hooked and Lita was a massive part of that. The other women from this era were mostly eye candy and female wrestlers who could perform well were extremely rare. Lita was an innovator and most fans including myself had never seen women perform moves that she did.

Once Lita was paired up with Tag Team Duo the Hardy Boyz, her popularity sky rocketed. It was a natural progression for Lita and the Hardy Boyz to team up. The Hardy Boyz were known for their high flying risk taking and a female manager which complimented their style was a smart move.

Lita's fued with Trish Stratus was one of the hottest fueds of 2000 and the WWE were noticing that Amy Dumas as Lita was a massive draw. She was arguably one of the most popular superstars behind the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Lita would make history when she competed against Stephanie McMahon, daughter of WWE owner Vince Mcmahon, on the first ever main event on Raw Is War to contain a Womens one on one match.

She would go onto make history again in 2004 when she defeated Trish Stratus to win the Womens Championship on the main event on raw without the interference or participation of any male competitors. Lita would fued with Ivory, Jacqueline and Molly Holly for most of 2000 and early in 2001.

In the spring of 2001 Lita and the Hardy Boyz were involved in a controversial angle which saw Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin assaulting not only the Hardy Boyz with chairs which was not uncommon but also Lita. The segment would not be shown on UK television. The angle was a ploy to further strengthen Stone Colds' heel turn which occurred at the previous Wrestlemania(X7). His popularity through out his career made it very difficult for fans to hate him. It worked.

In 2002 the trio of Lita and The Hardy Boyz although still immensely popular with the fans was becoming stale. They had been taken of TV for almost a month in early 2002 and appeared only sporadically in the weeks that followed. It was in 2002 that Lita would go onto appear in the final episode of Dark Angel. It was this appearance which would cause Lita to be out of Action for over a year. Whilst performing her signature move, the Hurricanrana, the stunt women dropped Lita on her neck, breaking it. Whilst recovering from surgery Lita was off television for a year. In the meantime she released her autobiography: A R.O.A.D less traveled the reality of Amy Dumas. It featured on the New York Times best sellers list. It covered her career in the WWE(Formerly WWF), her childhood, relationship with Matt Hardy and her subsequent rehab from neck surgery.

In the weeks prior to her return in the Autumn of 2003, Trish Stratus had been attacked and outnumberd by Molly Holly and Gail Kim. Lita came to the ring and came to Trish's aid. She then teamed up with Trish to defeat Molly Holly and Gail Kim at Unforgiven 2003. Lita would continue to team with Trish in 2003. During a storyline with Chris Jericho and Christian they would go on to compete against both the men in the first ever Women vs Men tag team match at Armageddon 2003. Lita would also participate in the first ever woman's cage match in 2003 against Victoria.

Amy Dumas was an incredible asset to the WWE, her unheard of popularity was a massive draw for TV and PPV appearances. But her real life conflicts would eventually over shadow her popularity and the goals she achieved in such a short time. Amy's real life relationship with Matt Hardy of the Hardy Boyz came to a controversial end when her affair with Adam Copeland who wrestled as Edge became public knowledge. The WWE tried to capatlize on the drama surronding all three and booked a Matt Hardy vs Edge grudge match at Summerslam 2005. Lita was turned heel during this fued, an inevitable move as the fans had turned against her for her apparent betrayal of her then boyfriend of Matt Hardy.

Lita was then paired with Edge and was given a more provocative and overtly sexual character. She had gone from one of the most popular performers to one of the most hated. Chants of 'Slut' would follow her for the remainder of her career. A public sex show with Edge would further compel fans to dislike her new persona. It was around this time that it became obvious to fans that Amy Dumas under the guise of Lita was uncomfortable with the way the WWE had exploited her personal life. When she announced her retirement in 2007 most people already knew her heart was no longer in it.

Trish Stratus had retired at the previous PPV in August 2007 on a career high, winning the Women's title from Lita. For Lita's retirement match at Survivor Series 2007 she lost the title to Mickie James and was further exploited when Cryme Tyme came out to the crowd and sold off the contents of Lita's locker which contained a vibrator and condoms. It was a disappointing end to a prestigious career which was marred by personal circumstances.

Appearances at the 2008 Raw 15th Anniversary show in which she became a fan favorite again, teaming up with Trish Stratus to attack heel performer Gillian Hall and her cameo on Raw in 2010 being well received would to take steps to redeem her final run as a full time performer.

Amy Dumas was a pioneer and an innovator and I am a massive fan, to this day I still watch her best performances on Youtube. I wish her career had come to a better end. I just hope further appearances if there are any will go on to further redeem her reputation so she can be remembered for, not her personal life, but for the amazing things she did to change the face of Women's wrestling.

My Last Day

2011-07-24T23:12:00.000+01:00

Back in February I accepted a position for a community interest company based in Salford. I went into the job completely blind, I had never done any kind of work like it before. It was an interesting experience to say to least. It was probably the biggest learning experience I have ever had, in a professional setting at least.

I worked with people who had employment issues, people who hadn't got the right attitude to work in a professional organisation, who had issues with absenteeism and a lack of training and development. It was very different environment to work in than I was used to. My role put me in contact with community figure heads and vulnerable members of society at the same time.

Early on in my employment the group needed three supervisors and I was a little bit cocky in my assumption that I was a shoe in for the role. When I learnt that I didn't get it I remember being really embarrassed and feeling like I had just been taken down a peg or two. When my team was finalized I took on the role of supervisor anyway, our actual supervisor was not very good at his job and I was left to reel in the team, ensure productivity and make sure that everything expectation as a team was met. There were 8 teams all assigned areas of Salford, Manchester in which they would work. Our team was the most productive and met our objections better than any other team.

The manager of the entire project was the most level headed, professional women I have ever met, she was able to deal with the most difficult of situations and with the most difficult people with consistent professionalism. Her influence has inspired me to aim to be like her.

Last Friday was my last day at that company and I was feeling a retrospective post would help me assess my time there and the things I have learned whilst I was there. Putting my feelings into writing can help me get the most out of a situation. This is why I love to blog about my life, I think it helps me put things into perspective.

I start my new job on the 1st of August and I am nervous about it. I am not 100 percent confident that I have the skills necessary to perform well. But I am sure that I can wing it. There are aspects of my previous managers conduct and work ethic that I plan to adopt myself.

I am looking forward to it.

Amy Winehouse dies, aged 27

2011-07-23T17:53:00.001+01:00

I was very saddened to learn that Amy Winehouse has died. I was big Winehouse fan and I loved her music. Such a waste of great talent and potential. I think all of her fans were rooting for her to get her act together and release more fantastic songs. This is very sad news.

Rest In Peace Amy. I am sure your legacy will live on through your music. X

The Job Interview

2011-07-19T20:18:00.003+01:00

I couldn't even remember applying for the job and as I listened to the polite women on the phone go through her sales pitch, my mind was elsewhere. When the call suddenly ended I made no effort to call her back or find out what it was she wanted.

See she had introduced herself and explained she was calling from a recruitment agency and unless I am really desperate, I hate using agencies to find work and that was why I was so dismissive of the call.

I checked my emails a few minutes later and found an email from the lady I spoke to one the phone. It introduced the recruitment agency and also included a job spec for a role they were recruiting. My position on recruitment agencies hadn't changed. Usually they put you forward for jobs that you are obviously not suitable for or send you to work for companies that have less glowing reputations, all so they could claim commission on find you, even though more often than not, you did most of the work.

But this one seemed to be different, the reviews online were mostly positive and the position they were hiring for was internal and the job role was as varied in responsibilities than I have ever seen before. It would give me a chance to work with my professional strengths, learn new things and best of all to keep me challenged. Just reading some of the details made me want this job. I emailed a response back expressing my interest in the role and I was called the next day by the recruitment consultant responsible for filling the role. We talked on the phone for about 30 minutes and as she explained the position in more detail I felt that I would be perfect for the role.

The next day the managing director of the company called me to discuss the job with me also, I luckily managed to see myself to him and he invited me in for a 'chat'. I noticed that the word interview was never used, not on my first telephone interview nor when I was invited in for a face to face interview.

I discussed the role with my current manager and we went through a bit of a mock interview, just to get me used to the interview process, not that I really needed it in normal circumstances. Without sounding conceited, I kick ass at interviews but this seemed different. Being a recruitment company they were experts in interviews and this made me more nervous than usual.

I had my face to face 'chat' last Friday with the managing director and another manager. I was asked the usual questions in professional tone and demeanor and I answered with the same tone. However I started to notice that they were both making me feel very at ease and the interview took a less formal turn and I found myself laughing with, being blunt and actually having fun. Then the MD had to leave the manager continued the interview and told me that I had the floor and if there was anything I would like to say, now was the opportunity.

'I feel like this job is already mine. I own it and in my head this interview is just a formality. In my minds eye, I already work for this company and I am performing not just well in the role but exceeding any expectations you might have'

She smiled and wrote something down on her notebook.

I knew then and there that it was in the bag.

Danger! Malware!

2011-07-18T19:40:00.000+01:00

It is part of my morning ritual, just like having a cigarette before I jump in the shower. I log onto the the internet, check my Facebook, my emails and my blog. Just to check my messages and see if anyone has left any new comments. I clicked on the URL for my blog like normal, when out of no where an error message popped up. Glaring in red.

I had a moment of panic when I first saw it, in just a fraction of a second, the worse case scenario entered my head. I had been deleted. Luckily this wasn't the case. The error message stated that a website called webaviation had been flagged as spam. What this has to do with my website was beyond me. I didn't have time to worry about it too much as I had to get leave for work but I was hoping that by the time I returned the issue would have magically resolved itself.

I had a busy day at work and I didn't think about it until I got home, I wanted to blog about some good news I received. But my URL was still being re-directed to this Google error message. I discovered that the error only showed up on the Google browser but not on Mozilla or Internet explorer. I didn't want to write the post and publish it as I thought it would most likely scare away any readers I had on Google Chrome. I am not very technically minded, I had no idea where to even begin in getting this problem solved. I checked the Blogger issues forums and even posted a thread but to no avail.

I contacted the guy who hosts my domain as I thought that he would have the IT experience to help me. I had figured out that it was most likely a HTML code that was causing the problem, a picture that was uploaded or a comment that had been made. Unfortunately he wasn't able to help me. I was at a loss, what more could I do?

But then I remembered my friend Andy, he was a keen IT specialist. He worked with HTML coding and also designed websites. I hit him on Facebook chat and explained the problems, within seconds he had the solution to the problem. The website Webaviation which had been flagged for spam by Google was included in the HTML coding of a picture I had posted on my blog. The picture was an arrial view of Manchester which I had included on a recent Sunday Stealing meme. Riding myself of this issue meant riding my blog of that photograph, deleting the cache and restarting my browser.

I couldn't be more grateful for Andi's help, I wouldn't have known what do without him.

Tattoo

2011-07-12T21:12:00.000+01:00

There was no way it would turn out to be a good idea, we had a flight to catch in just a few hours, but the lure of a night out was too tempting, excitement had kicked in and it needed an outlet. We were due to travel to Amsterdam and had decided to go out, with just a few hours before our lift to the airport would arrive, we were surely going to regret this in the morning, right?

We drank, we danced some and somehow a marker pen was thrown into the mix. In our inebriated state we made little works of art and drew on each other. It was on the my arm, just above my elbow. It looked like a question mark, the token symbol for existentialists everywhere. It looked like nothing, but it meant something to me.

We got to Amsterdam a few hours later, surprisingly I wasn't hungover, excitement had pretty much put an end to it once we landed. We had been out for a few hours when I seen it, The Tattoo Parlour. I weighed up the pro's and con's but eventually threw caution to the wind.

That inconsequential drawing represented everything about me, reckless, free-spirited and spontaneous.

An hour later I walked out of the parlour with this....

My friend Paul, gets the credit for coming up with the design.

Confidence.

2011-07-10T17:51:00.001+01:00

There are questions I sometimes ask myself, knowing I will never truly know the answer. One of those questions is how confident am I. People tell me I seem confident, I have a presence and an air about me which suggests I have high self esteem.

I wonder though, if this is actually true. Am I confident because I fully believe that I am or have I managed to just suppress every negative thought about my looks or my personality or whatever so that when ever a negative thought enters my head, it is quickly quashed so it doesn't fester in my brain and grow in to this palpable need for acceptance from others.

I hold a too much weight for my height, I have never gotten my teeth fixed, I never got my nose reset after it had been broken nor did I ever go and try and get that scar on the bridge fixed. I have 101 things that I could fix to make my appearance more desirable and attractive to others. I have had insults directed at me because of the way I look, the way everybody has at some point, but I have never been one to take them to heart. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of feeling unattractive but they quickly pass.

I am not shy, I can walk up to anyone and start a conversation, I don't retreat in the face of daunting social situations and I am not afraid to express my thoughts or feelings, however unconventional they may seem.

I guess I want to know, to identify that time in my life that made me the way I am now. I try and think back to my childhood, did my Mother tell me I was amazing every day? No she didn't but she didn't tell me I was terrible either. Did my teachers tell me that the world was my oyster? No they didn't. In fact I was often told that I wouldn't amount to very much(Fuck You, Mary Marron).

Is it real confidence I have or have I just put on this front for so long that even I can't tell anymore. It could be argued that it doesn't matter. As long as you feel good about yourself, as long as you are happy, then why bother with the how's and that why's and just focus on the is. It could be a question I never know the answer too, but I wonder if I changed all those things I know are wrong with me, but I don't often worry about, will it make me a better person, outside as well as in. Like the last thing on a to-do list, it is on there, it needs to get done but you don't worry about it to much, but still, once it is done you feel better. Who knows?

You are the only person that thinks in your mind.

Influential People

2011-07-06T20:01:00.000+01:00

It started of as a simple task, it shouldn't have had the profound effect on me that it did. Make a list of the people that have influenced your life in any way. Family, Celebrities, Public Figures, People, Fictional Characters and Others were the categories to place those people into. The purpose of the exercise was to identify some of those traits that you yourself could adopt and take out into the world and be a better person.

Immediately a token list of people jumped into my head, those people that have effected me positively over the years. My Brothers Darren and Karl. The most consistent relationship I have ever shared has been with my Karl and on the surface my older Brother Darren is the most normal person to come out of our family. A house, 3 kids, a marriage and a successful career. I can't help but look up to him.

I filled in the rest with ease. My English Teacher Ms.Leonard, public figure heads like Michael Collins and Barrack Obama, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and professional wrestle Amy Dumas all made the coveted list of influential people. The que behind the velvet rope contained people from all walks of life. Those who in some way have resonated in my psyche.

We moved onto the next exercise but something about influence was effecting me. Someone was missing from the list and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Everyone else included her on their list, always first. Their Mother. It festered in my head for the rest of the afternoon, why hadn't I included my Mother on the list. When she was the one to shape me, to make me the person I am today, unintentionally or not. The inspiring things she did for us when we were children, the sacrifices she made...

Not only should she have been on the list but she should have been at the top, in bold, underlined and with an exclamation point. There would not have been enough paper to contain all the wonderful things she did for me as a parent. It took a while for me to realise it and although there was no way of her possibly knowing it, I was punishing her, I was telling her that I had become the person I am today in spite of her and not because of her.

It seems melodramatic I know but that was my profound moment. It dawned on me that I was resenting her for something that she couldn't control and that before today I couldn't explain. The reason is not important, the fact is I was doing it to her and although there was no way she could possibly know, by omitting her from that list, I was telling the universe I was still angry at her.

We used to best friends, I could tell her everything and apart from the usual childish squabbles, we shared a very close relationship. I loved her unconditionally. The thought of something bad ever happening to her would tear me apart inside. The fact that I was faced with that prospect from an early age made it much more difficult, see my mother has always been sick, a large portion of her life and mine has been spent in hospital. I have been faced with her mortality countless times.

Over the years, selfishly, I have been resenting her for being ill for the longest time. I realise now that I wasn't angry because she was sick, I was angry because I needed someone or something to be angry at. By not including her on the list, I was telling the universe that I didn't care if she was taken away and If It seemed like I didn't need her then when that day ever came, I would not have lost anything.

Although we have tried to share a relationship over the years, I can only assume that my resentment has had subconscious effect on her, it is like something unspoken between us which makes us both tense. Akin to being locked in a room with someone you don't like, you defenses go up and you automatically assume the worst. It is only natural that you expect the worse from someone who bears such ill feeling towards you.

My mother has made mistakes, we all have but she has made up for those mistakes ten fold. She really is an inspiring person and the significance of these revelations I have had today is something, that I am struggling to put into words without sounding, contrived or even irrational.

This understanding of our relationship gives me a sense of relief and sadness at the same time. Like someone who has unexplained symptoms finally gets a diagnosis would feel better about being able to put a name and a cause to the feelings they have had. But I am also sad about all the arguments, time wasted and acid filled arguments we have no doubt shared.

The relationship we could share hangs over me, taunting me.

A Difficult Decision

2011-07-03T21:25:00.001+01:00

Last year when I decided to move home, leave Manchester and go back to Dublin, my main reason was to spend time with my Brother Karl who had just returned from a year in Australia. I had missed him so much and I wanted to spend some quality time with him. It wasn't anything in Manchester that made me want to leave, in fact I was very happy, I was working, enjoying my life and socializing a lot.

When I moved home two years ago, I was in a really bad place, I was in a toxic relationship that I couldn't seem to shake off and I needed a break. I didn't want to leave Manchester but I could see no other way of getting myself out of that situation.

When I moved home three years ago, I had no choice. I was reckless and found myself homeless and broke. I really didn't want to leave Manchester but I had no way of supporting myself.

Every time single time I went home I regretted it immediately and my stays lasted between 10 days and 10 months.

However I have never left Manchester because I wasn't happy with living here. The fact is I never thought that would happen. At first I thought my visit to Dublin was just leaving me feeling a little homesick but the past week or so I have been thinking maybe it is a little bit more than that. I used to wake up every day happy in the thought I was some were I should be but lately I have been waking up with a feeling of dread. I haven't been enjoying my life here like I used too, nights out haven't had the same spark and I find myself just waiting, waiting for the day to end so I can go to sleep and not have to think about it.

I haven't told anyone about how I am feeling. Not fully. People know how homesick I have been but not to the full extent. I don't want people to scoff at my desire to leave Manchester again and lets face it my credibility in making rational and reasonable decisions has been shot my inability to make the right ones.

I miss being close to my family, I miss being able to see them when I want to and speaking to them everyday.

If I moved home, would I face the same conflicts and have to deal with the same problems that plague me there. I can try and let my issues go and start with a blank slate.

Easier said than done.

I have told myself to take a few more weeks before I make a decision.

Sunday Stealing - The Faceless Meme

2011-07-03T12:16:00.003+01:00

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?

The last movie I saw at the cinema was Scream 4. I enjoyed it but it had a very different feel to the other movies. I absolutely loved Hayden Panittiere's character Kirby. I didn't love Courtney Cox and her new lips though!

2. What book are you reading? Barnes and Noble coupon code for possible savings

We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. I read it a few years ago and loved it. I am reading it again and I realize now as I have gotten older that there were a lot of aspects about the book I didn't understand. I remember being very shocked at the twist near the end. The subject is very dark but the fascinating at the same time. I recommend it to anyone.

3. Favorite board game?

I am not a big board game person but I have fond memories of playing games like Scrabble and Monopoly when I was growing up. Scrabble used to be a big thing in my family, my Mum absolutely loves it. My friends and I used to have Monopoly nights were we would have wine, snacks and then watch a movie, so I have fond memories of Monopoly.

4. Favorite magazine?

I buy so many magazines a week, its a very unhealthy obsession of mine. My favourite has to be Heat magazine. Although I also love Powerslam, which is a wrestling magazine published here in the UK.

5. Favorite smells?

I really love Vanilla!

6. Favorite sounds?

Music

7. Worst feeling in the world?

Feeling lonely. Although I am hungover right now so I am very tempted to say that this hang over is possibly the worst feeling I have ever had.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

It depends on what I have planned for the day. Usually the first thing I think about when waking up is 'SHIT! I am late'. I have a sky light in my room and now that it is Summer it is very bright in the early hours of the morning which has fucked up my body clock.

9. Favorite fast food place?

McDonald's.

10. What’s under your bed?

I have a bed base so there I can't use it as storage but there is a lot of crap under there. Lint, small change, about a milliion lighters.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?

I would buy a house and then go travelling, all by myself.

12. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

I have a couple but I don't keep them on my bed. I have never spooned a Teddy bear to help me sleep.

13. Storms – cool or scary?

I absolutely love a good storm. We don't really get storms in the UK so I haven't seen very many. I love the smash and bang of a Thunder Storm!

14. Favorite drink?

I love a cold glass of Coke.

15. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

What a heavy question! I would do everything!

16. If you had to dye your hair another color, what would be your choice?

I have dyed my hair before, all kinds of crazy colours. But I suppose I would probably dye it a different shade of brown, probably lighter.

17. Favorite place to relax?

On my bed, watching television.

18. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?

I have lived in Dublin and Manchester. So far....

19. Favorite sports to watch?

I don't watch much sport. The closest would probably be WWF. Although I don't watch the current shows, I am always watching events from 1998- 2002.

20. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

As long as I kept all my memories!

An Out Of Sorts Weekend

2011-06-27T21:30:00.000+01:00

After going to the doctor on Wednesday and finally having it confirmed that I had a chest infection, I spent a few days in bed. Once Saturday came around I was in the mood to do something fun. I woke up in a bad mood, actually it was a sad mood. I have been feeling really homesick since I came home from my visit to the Dublin. It probably didn't help that it was pride weekend in Dublin and all my friend would be together, celebrating and having fun without me. My friends in Manchester here were getting together to have some drinks and watch a movie. I met them at a bar in the City Centre and as I hadn't seen them in a while. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and went to another bar in the Village.

Everyone got a little bit drunk and the movie plans kind off collapsed. I left them to it whilst I went home to change for the night out we had planned. My mood was still pretty heavy when I got home so I kept on drinking and finished of a bag of coke I had left over from a previous night out. It temporarily made me feel a little bit better. Unfortunately the night out was not a good one, I wasn't feeling it, the music, the dancing and the fact that everyone was far more intoxicated than I was. I called it a night at about 2am.

When I woke up on Sunday I was feeling really low, I think I might have been having a good dream because when I woke up, it felt like I crashed. I arranged to meet my friends in the Village and have some more drinks and the day turned out to be really fun. The weather was amazing and I actually felt I was on holiday. We had some food, watched some lion dancing and some cabaret and then sang some Karaoke.

When I got home though, I was drunk and alone again. So I drunkenly text my Brother Karl and told him how much I was missing him. This tude will pass I am sure, It is just a case of riding it out.

Lonely

2011-06-24T20:20:00.000+01:00

It has been over a week since I have been back from Dublin, seeing my family and spending time with my friend Gillian. I had a really good time whilst I was there and although there was no craziness, I had a nice relaxing week. But since I have been back I have been feeling odd.

It didn't help that I have a chest infection, I went to the doctors the other day after another sleepless night hacking up a lung and he confirmed what I already thought. I was feeling really sick and really low. In fact I am sure I was feeling lonely. I hadn't got the chance to see my friends, all my housemates seemed to have disappeared and there is a sea between me and my family.

I don't often feel like this and I am sure I can put it down to some kind of holiday blues. When I feel like this I really feel that distance from my family, it makes me nostalgic for our better times. I miss being able to talk for hours with my brother and laughing about nothing for hours. Getting a hug from my Mother and watching my nieces and nephew growing up. Life stuff....

I am still very happy here in Manchester, don't get me wrong. I have a great group of friends but every know and then.......

The Taxi Driver

2011-06-20T10:00:00.001+01:00

You have had a really good night, you have had some drinks, maybe some drugs, you have laughed with your friends and danced to the latest Rihanna songs(She releases a new song every two days). It is now the wee hours of the morning and it is time for you to go home. So you head to the Taxi rank and wait patiently in the que, content in the fact that your bed is just a short drive away.

It really should be that simple but so rarely is. It seems for me at least, to be a constant source of conflict to order a cab and make sure I am not getting ripped off. The latest incident being just last week. I hail a cab from the street outside a bus station in Dublin, I pop my case in the boot and tell the driver my destination and away we go. I say away we go, but really we are crawling at a snails pace. We are no were near hitting the legal speed limit for the area that we are in. Now I am aware that the meter works on how many wheel turns by the distance but it also works of time as well. I ask the driver to speed up or at least go the legal limit and he does so but he also proceeds to explain how the meter works. Now that he has increased the speed, I let him have his moment,as he explains the intricate workings of a taxi meter, I sit back and relax.

But it doesn't end there, we are approaching some lights which are still green and he slows down again as if the lights are about to turn red, which they are not. He is literally crawling along until they go amber which is when he stops. At this point I am struggling to keep my cool. 'What are you doing' I ask with clenched teeth. He knows he has been caught out as he doesn't even need me to explain what was wrong. 'The lights were about to change, I don't want to get a ticket'. I breath in, trying to stay calm. 'You would have made it through and you know it'. He just shrugs.

He has tried his little tricks and obviously I have noticed them both, any normal person would just give up. But no not this taxi man, he has one last trick he wants to try out on me. In Dublin they have lanes which are exclusive for buses and taxi's. Really handy when there is traffic. I know this and so does our con artist taxi man. But does he use them, does he fuck. We pull into a lane of traffic, the exclusive lane practically screaming for us to use it. I look at him, wait for him to act. 'Why aren't you using the bus lane' I ask. No longer trying to keep my cool. He doesn't answer but pulls into the lane and drives on. What possible excuse could he have had.

When we finally reach our destination, the meter reads £24.00. I hand him a twenty and get out of the car, he doesn't argue.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. As an Irish man living in the United Kingdom, I often get drivers who must assume that I am a tourist and therefor must not know how the system works. They try to take me the longer way, they try to charge me a fare not reflective of the amount showing on the meter, they try and ask for money up front and tell me the journey will cost more than it should. I have actually had a physical fight with an Asian driver who tried to charge me £15.00 pound for a journey that should have cost no more than £5.00. When the police came he tried to tell them I wouldn't pay, when I explained why, he was quickly sent on his way.

It has gotten to the point now that I treat all drivers with resentment and suspicion.

Fathers Day

2011-06-19T20:24:00.000+01:00

Father Figure Vacancy Apply Within

Father's Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society. It is celebrated on the third Sunday of June.

I wasn't going to write this post, at first I didn't think I needed too. Fathers day does not mean very much too me as I barely have a relationship with my father and I have no desire to celebrate or honour him on this day. My family has always been fragmented for as long as I can remember, I was three years old when my parents split up. My brother Karl and I lived with my Mother and my brother Darren and sister Tanya lived with my Dad.

There was an arrangement in place for us to stay at my fathers house every second weekend. I used to love those weekends, not because I would get to see my Father, no, I was more excited about seeing my friends who lived in the area. As we got older this arrangement was no longer necessary, we now lived close by and my brother and I would stay over when ever we felt like it.

No, I was never close to my Father and I didn't really expect much from him but I always thought that when the time came, when I really needed him, he would be there. When I was thirteen, my Mothers illness reached a point where she would need several operations and the prognosis was less than 50/50. During this time I was sent to live with my Father and my siblings moved into my Mothers house. I was an emotional wreck at this time and I felt abandoned on a literal and emotional level. I was only 13 and my father would sometimes leave me to go hungry. He is a big drinker and he preferred to spend his money in the pub, this meant that during those few months, I was not provided or cared for the way I should have been. I never told my Mother as I felt she already had enough to deal with.

As the years went on, I realised that my Father was not someone I could go to with my problems. In fact my Father doesn't know me, he doesn't know what my hobbies are, who my friends are. What makes me happy or what angers me.

However my Sister has always been close to my Father and she was always been protective of him. She won't hear a bad word against him and her version of the history we share is very different. She is a typical Daddy's girl.

So for me, today is just a normal day but I do want to wish the good Dads out there a very happy Fathers Day, keep up the good work.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Weakness In Dublin

2011-06-18T23:19:00.000+01:00

I have just spent the past week visiting my family in Dublin, it has only been my second visit since Christmas. I had a really good time, I spent a full week there but I didn't really do very much, just relaxed. I booked it really last minute and since I had a week off work and my nephews christening was taking place last Saturday it made sense.

Those of you have read my blog on a regular basis will be aware of my ongoing issues with drugs and Dublin for me is like this trigger, it is where my problems started and even on the rare times when I am trying to go cold turkey, being there makes it so very hard. It started when I was a teenager and I would take the Oxycontin my mother was prescribed. Even now, being in my Mothers house where I know this medication is available can be incredibly difficult. It causes a lot of arguments and because I know I am weak and would most likely give in to temptation whilst I was there and most likely upset her and my brother, I thought it best if I went out and bought my own. It sounds incredibly fucked up I know, but this meant that I could relax in the house and just enjoy my visit. Without it I would be constantly thinking about it, knowing that her medication was so close and not being able to take it would have drove me insane and as I said I probably would have succumbed to the urge and this would just cause arguments and unnecessary tension.

Although it would be quicker to fly to Dublin, I always choose the ferry. A flight would have me there in an hour but the journey by ferry takes 12 hours. But I really enjoy the little adventure. I get a coach from Manchester City Centre which drives to Holyhead, onto the Ferry and then drives off again when we reach Dublin. I pack magazines, books and I have my MP3 player. I always have fun. Over the years I have made this trip like a million times and it never gets old. I have actually had sex on the trip twice so far also.

My nephew Harvey was born in January and I hadn't actually met him yet, we traveled down to Mountmellick in Co.Laois, where my brother and his wife live, for his christening. As soon as I saw him, I instantly fell in love. He is the most adorable little boy I have ever seen. He is also my first nephew. The ceremony was a short affair and afterwards there was food and drinks available at the local pub called the Druid. I was debating with my Brother Karl whether to say down there for the night or head back to Dublin. There would be no beds available for us and I was still exhausted from my trip on the ferry, so we headed back to Dublin, ordered my favourite meal from the local Chinese take away and chilled.

When I woke up the next morning, I had a pretty nasty cough and I wasn't feeling very well. But if you are going to be unwell, there is no better place to be sick than at your Mom's house. Despite not feeling 100% I went out with my friend Gillian, I didn't drink and despite that I still managed to have a good time, dancing and joking around. Gillian was an absolute diamond this whole week, we spent a lot of time together, going to the park, just hanging out and generally just having a good time.

I spent a lot of the week just sleeping and relaxing, after Amsterdam and the crazy week I had when I returned I just need time to chill out. I would be lying If I said I wasn't loving getting high and just watching movies or chilling with my brother. On the last two days, I spent some time with my Mother, we hadn't had a single argument all week, which most have been a record, we went out to eat and went shopping for some stuff for her new kitchen. She did ask if I had taken some of her medication, which I had not and that caused some tension for a few hours but other than that we were on good terms.

I am back In Manchester now, my chest is still pretty bad so I am sitting in on a Saturday night. But I don't mind. I have had a relaxing week and I am still in 'chill mode'.

Sunday Stealing : The Seriously Random Meme Part One.

2011-06-13T05:10:00.000+01:00

1. Your ex's car is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?

There is not much I could or would do, I don't have the numbers of any of my exes. My last ex would just assume I was the one to burn the car down anyway so I would probably just keep on walking. If it is on fire, there is not much I could about it, unless I am holding a fire extinguisher.

2. Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?

I would be really pleased, my best female friend would really like a child. However she fertility issues which is really sad because she is made to be a mother. She is optimistic about though and she feels that in the future, she will have a child. She will go down any avenue required.

3. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?

The last time I was in a cab I really wanted to punch the driver. I am visiting my family in Dublin and I got the ferry from the UK. To get to my Mothers house I got a taxi from the bus station and the driver, I can only guess assumed I was not from the area, drove really slowly and avoided going down the bus routes. He also kept slowing down before the lights were red, all in the quest to increase the fair. After this happened a few times, I had to ask him what did he think he was doing. He had some feeble excuse but it was the last time he did it.

4. What is the last thing you spent money on?

A glass of coke. I went out tonight with my friend Gillian. We went to the George, which is probably Dublin's most well known and most popular gay venue. I wasn't in the mood to drink, so I stayed on the cokes all night. We had fun, but both of us were tired and I have a pretty bad cough right now so we called it a night at about 1am.

5. Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month?

I think I have remained around the same mark. My weight is a frustrating subject for me. I can't seem to lose any weight no mstter what I do.

6. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?

I really have no preference.

7. The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you do?

Respond with a 'Nigga please'.

8. Congratulations! You just had a son. What’s his name?

I really like the name Mason or Kendrick.

9. Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What’s her name?

I really had to think about this one and I couldn't come up with a name that I would call my daughter before she was born. So I imagine when I see my fictional daughter for the first time, her name would just come to me.

10. What are you craving right now?

Morphine! I am staying at my Mothers house right now and for my regular readers, who know about my struggles with opiate based medications, you know how difficult it can be say no to taking any. I knew this would happen so before I came, I hit up my dealer and bought some of my own. Being back in Dublin makes my cravings for drugs so much harder because for years this is where I was high the most, it is like my trigger. So rather than having to deal with the struggle and upsetting my family by taking my mothers, I brought my own. A lesser of two evils.

11. What was the last thing you cried about?

When I had Sinnusitis a few weeks ago, the pain got so bad, that I cried like a little baby. I had never felt pain like it before. It was really hard to deal with. I almost shed a tear reading the 'Confession' by John Grisham. Without giving away any spoilers, it has a really upsetting twist that will leave you shocked.

12. When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cashier to keep it?

I ask them to put it in the poor box. Although there is a shop in my local area where I don't. The first few times I asked them to do so, I noticed that they just put it back in the register. So now I wait and put it in myself.

13. What color is your tissue box?

I am a 24 year old male, I don't have a tissue box. Should I?

14. Do you have a ceiling fan in your bedroom, and if so, is there dust on that fan?

I don't have a ceiling fan but I do have a sky light and it doesn't have dust on it. However I am always leaving it open when I go out and it lets the rain in.

15. What was the last voicemail you received about?

I don't have my voice mail set up, the last one I received though was a while ago and it was from a recruitment agency in regards to the CV I sent them.

16. Have you ever blocked someone on Facebook?

I don't have anyone on my block list at the minute but I have blocked people in the past, but once we have reconciled or at least began to tolerate each other again, we have added each other again. This is really rare though.

17. Scariest thing you’ve experienced in the last year?

It wasn't really scary but the closest thing was almost getting mugged in Amsterdam, although we laughed it off at the time, it could have ended really badly. I got mugged last Saint Patricks Day but I was so drunk I can't remember it.

18. Do you wear a name tag at work?

I have a picture ID tag but rarely have any reason to use it. In fact I don't even know where it is right now.

19. What kind of car do you want?

A 1950's Chevy Pick Up in blue.

20. What do you order when you go to Burger King?

I much prefer McDonald's but I really like the BK Angus Burger.

Amsterdam: Part Two

2011-06-08T15:02:00.001+01:00

The next morning we all planned to have breakfast but our hangovers prevented us from waking up in time. In fact I can't remember a time where I have managed to enjoy the breakfast at a hotel. I was the first up and I needed to go shopping and rather than drag the other three around with me, I headed out before them and hit the shopping district. Amsterdam really does love its H+M, E-Spirit and Jack and Jones. I counted about four of each in such a short distance. I was glad to also have a chance to walk around, listen to some music and have some down time.

Once I was done shopping I met the other three for lunch. We decided to catch some of the sights. The first was the sex museum, which was a lot of fun and we managed to get some amusing photos. Although it was lacking on the gay sex front I have to say. Afterwards, we then went on a boat trip down the canal. The weather was absoultely beautiful and the ride was a nice way to relax, even if it was a little long.

England were also playing Switzerland that day and Khristy really wanted to watch the match. I am not a huge football fan but I like watching it with Khristy because she doesn't mind answering my inane questions every few minutes. We drank quite a lot, made fun of all the stag do's and laughed at the crazy man who sat with us and tried to hit on Khristy. We hit a couple of the local gay bars and had a little bit of an incident in one of them. Khristy went to the toilet, but the door wouldn't lock. She was the only female in the place so she didn't think to much of it, until someone walked in on her that is. When she came back up she didn't say anything, but then this guy walks past and Khristy literally summons him to come to her and an argument ensued where the words 'this is a gay bar' were uttered, a ludicrous argument. Evil queen eyes were thrown across the bar and he would whisper to his friends and we would then say something in return. The whole time I sat there thinking 'I wonder what it would be like to get arrested in Holland'.

We went for dinner to celebrate Pete's birthday, it was just to a local Wagamama, but the food was absolutely delicious. The have Wagamama restuarants here in the UK too, but the food was ten times better in Amsterdam, once we were fed we headed back to the hotel to change and get ready for the night out. I had bought some Mushrooms the night before and took them whilst I was getting ready, they effected me pretty quickly, its hard to describe the actual feeling, but it was intense. It made me feel relaxed and restless at the same time, I felt that my thought process seemed child like and I found everything more humouros than it probably was.

We headed into town hit a few bars, before heading to red light district. On the way there, we were almost mugged by a really scary women holding a bottle of weird liquid. She was with two other men, who looked at us strangely but didn't say anything. The women first told said 'sex for money' and when we didn't respond started to shout 'Give me all your money'. We laughed it off and kept walking, joking about it on a long the way, however once we contemplated how serious the situation could of gotten, we were a little more sombre as this feeling sunk in.

The red light district was an experience I must say, although I can't say it was an enjoyable one. I actually found it surreal and upsetting in equal measures, it was so blatant and in your face but yet so mysterious in its history. I couldn't help but wonder whom of the girls was there voluntarily or who had been maniuplated into working for a pimp or gangster, even worse was the prospect that some had been the victim of human trafficking.

We spent the night chatting with the locals, dancing in bars, arguing with bouncers. We couldn't go to any of the gay sex clubs because Khristy was with us and they were men only bars. I didn't want Khristy to not be involved so we gave them a miss. We finished the night rocking a way in a club called hot spot, falling out laughing in the wee hours of the morning. The next morning luckily we managed to wake up in time for breakfast!

I had a really good time, got a tattoo, did mushrooms, got my friends stoned, watched an england game, almost got mugged, inadvertently wore a bracelet which indicated I was a bottom, went shopping, drank far too much, had a bottle made with my name on it, took both a boat and a sex tour and pretty much rocked Amsterdam. I hope to go again soon.

Amsterdam Part One.

2011-06-06T21:57:00.001+01:00

One of my goals for 2011, which I had decided on early in the new year was to see at least two other foreign cities, Europe or any where else, I haven't seen much of the world and this goal is something obtainable and relevant to quest to become a better human being. The first of these cities was Amsterdam. The city is infamous for its relaxed attitude to drugs and prostitution. Its Cannabis coffee shops and its red light district attract over 3 Million tourists a year.

My friends, Paul, Pete and Khristy hit Amsterdam early Friday morning, the 2 boys and I were massively hungover. We had unwisely gone out the night before and although it was a really fun night out, we were feeling the effects of the alcohol and lack of sleep. During the night out we found an eye liner pencil and decided it would be wise to draw all over our selves. Paul drew a design on my arm which looked like a question mark and I was really pleased what it represented.

We jumped into a taxi from the airport and I was a little disappointed when we arrived, it didn't look very impressive considering how much we paid. But once we got into the room that feeling quickly dispersed. It wasn't a typical hotel room and I was pleased with the size of the bathroom. We left our bags and quickly headed into the city centre. We walked around for a bit admiring the city and having something to eat, we drank at an Irish pub, had a look at some of the cannabis coffee shops.

Whilst we were admiring the sites and soaking up the holiday atmosphere, I came across a tattoo parlour. I was considering marking the trip with something big and remembering Paul's design, I decided to get the design tattooed on my arm exactly were Paul had drawn it. I left my friends drinking jugs of Heineken at a bar close by whilst I had it done. Luckily it did not take so long and I actually found the experience pleasurable. I don't want to use the word orgasmic, but it was definitely close. Like my other two tattoo's, this one had a story to it, although unconventional by design, it already holds very much significance to me. It was designed by my best friend on a very good night out and was done in a place where I enjoyed myself tremendously.

We then headed to one of the cannabis shops and bought some stuff, Paul and Pete shared a joint and Khristy and I shared a space cake. Paul and Pete got stoned pretty quickly and I felt a good buzz from the cake but I don't think Khristy felt much of its effect. We then headed to take a tour of the Heineken factory, which was a tad too long for my liking but had some good points. There was a 4D experience ride, some free drinks and we were able to get some bottles made with our names on.

Once we had napped, showered and changed we then headed out, we went to the main square and we found a small Karaoke bar. Although it wasn't that busy, we had a really good time. We all sang, had some shots and the barman, Pierre, played a couple of Jedward songs. We were there for most of the night but after the bar closed Pierre took us to a straight bar. We were going to go to the Red Light District but Pierre told us it was probably too late by then, we started to get there, walking the streets as it got bright, under the guidance of a local taxi man, who told us it would be empty, we headed back to the hotel. Not before going to get some food.

Off The Wagon

2011-05-29T20:58:00.000+01:00

My recent illness with Sinusitis has more consequences than I first thought. My problem with prescription pain killers collided with my need for them for relief of the intense pain I was feeling. When the pain was at its worst I tried to combat it with non-opiate medication, but it didn't work. But I think deep down I was glad to have an excuse, a reason beyond my own weakness.

The Big Personality Test.

2011-05-23T19:14:00.000+01:00

The BBC website has a great personality test available on their website. It takes about 20 minutes to complete and the results make for a very interesting read. Here are my scores and what those scores mean.

Openness.
I scored a 4.5 out of 5 for this category.

This trait is sometimes known as ‘Openness to experience’. People with scores like yours tend to be imaginative and curious about a wide range of things, from appreciating different art forms to exploring new places, cultures and foods.

Generating lots of imaginative ideas probably comes very easily to you. However, it's likely that you are prone to daydreaming too.

Innovators, investigators and creators often score highly on this trait. It has also been suggested that Openness is related to a person's likelihood to hold unusual beliefs. Do you enjoy the odd conspiracy theory?

Conscientiousness
I scored a 2.2 out 5 in this category. Low.

Conscientiousness describes how dependable, organised and hard-working a person is likely to be. This may be the reason why, of all the personality traits, Conscientiousness is the most consistent indicator of job success. People with scores like yours can appear disorganised, but tend to be spontaneous and have a good sense of fun.

People with low Conscientiousness may be well-suited to investigative or artistic careers.

Some studies have shown the more Conscientious an individual is, the more disciplined they are likely to be about exercise and diet.

Extroversion
I scored 4.5 out 5 in this category.

Extroversion is characterised by positive emotions and the tendency to seek out pleasure-stimulating or risk-taking activities. People with scores like yours are often perceived as gregarious, expressive and energetic. You are likely to be someone who enjoys socialising and be quick to form new friendships.

Personality studies have shown that scoring highly on Extroversion often translates to a natural capacity for leadership. High Extroversion may also indicate a tendency to earn more than those with lower scores, but the reasons for this are unclear.

People with high Extroversion are more likely to lead risky lifestyles and take greater risks in pursuit of rewards. Health studies have shown they are more likely to smoke and less likely to get enough sleep than people who score less highly on this trait

Agreeableness
I scored a 3 out of 5 in this category.

Agreeableness measures how sympathetic and considerate a person is likely to be. People with scores like yours are less likely to be interested in what others are feeling and tend to put their own interests first.

It's likely that you appear tough-minded and direct to other people. You probably have little aversion to stating your thoughts and feelings,

Neuroticism
I scored a 2.9 out of 5 in this category.

In the context of the Big Five personality traits, the term 'Neuroticism' relates to a person’s response to threatening or stressful situations. People with scores like yours are likely to be comparatively level-headed about perceived threats, but you may find yourself worrying when faced with uncertainty or unfamiliar situations.

Some scientists have suggested that Neuroticism was beneficial in evolutionary terms. Early man may have found it advantageous to live in a population where certain individuals had a high sensitivity to threats to the group's survival.

There is evidence to suggest that Neuroticism, when combined with high scores in personality traits such as Conscientiousness, can result in a powerful work ethic and a will to succeed.

I agree strongly with the results for openness and extroversion but not so much on the result for agreeableness. I like to think I am more sensitive to peoples feelings than the result implies.