Cheating Scumbag?

It was a discussion I had with a friend about the intricate workings of a relationship, that got me thinking about this again. Like the inside of a watch, it takes a complicated system, to keep the hands turning. If one part of that system fails, well like a house of cards, it can come tumbling down. So many of the rules of a relationship are unspoken, most work under the assumption, that the normal socially acceptable standards of love, apply to their union. I have come to this conclusion, not from having many relationships of my own, but of watching the couples around me.

Many people disagree with my outlook on cheating, I have to use the word cheating to make my point a little more simpler and to avoid confusion. I have been guilty of cheating in the past, guilty is a word I use but not something I really felt. I was guilty in the eyes and standards of social norms.

For most people, once a relationship becomes serious, there is usually a discussion of exclusivity  That person becomes yours and yours only. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. Maybe its a text message on a phone, or an email in an inbox, or worse, walking in and seeing it with your eyes. This usually spells the end of a relationship, when someone betrays the bed and home which you have made together.

But what if I was to tell you that love and fidelity were not mutually exclusive. What If I said,  you could have one without the other. In the same way, you can have monogamy without really being in love. Separating the act from the person, can go along way in making sure your union lasts.

The first time I ever 'cheated' was when I stared to really think about this. My first real relationship almost came to an end when I on a wild night out, which last almost a full 24 hours, alcohol and speed and a bathhouse. When I sat down and told him, a few days later, I was understandably nervous. I wouldn't have told him at all, had it not been for the fact that some of his friends had already heard I had gone to a sauna. I felt it would be much better if it came from me. I had thought long and hard about why I had done it and what it meant for our relationship. At the time I thought I loved him and that hadn't changed and after much supposed soul searching, I found the answer to be rather mundane. I was simply horny, it was there and it was convenient. I didn't say this to him of course and I went through the motions of telling him how sorry I was and that it would never happen again. I assessed what it might have meant again when the relationship ended and couldn't really give myself a different answer.

A few months after the relationship came to a much relieving end, I met a couple. The couple propositioned me for a threesome and as I got to know them and saw they had a pretty strong bond, I was enthralled about what they told me. How they had come to have such a unique understanding. It was the first time I ever came across an open relationship, in the flesh and working so well. 'We are not naive, we know that even though we love each other very much, that both of us will look outside the home for sexual gratification and that is okay, as long as both of us know, that it is just sex'.

The concept seemed so remarkable to me but at the same time, it made so much sense. Since then, my outlook on what most people would call cheating has been very different from those of my peers. Explaining this to people who have not agreed with me in the past, has always been frustrating and I have reached a point now, where I don't bother. I have not yet had the opportunity to explore this with another partner but ideally it is something they would need to be at least open to discussing as our relationship developed.

It has also made me think about what I would consider to be 'cheated on'. If someone I loved, slept with someone else, would I feel betrayed. No, I don't think so. As long as they were upfront and honest about it, careful about my health then I would be able to deal with that. But what if they developed feelings for someone else? That makes the situation understandably trickier.

But all of this is just thoery, as I have not put it into practice. It could all go out the window, if I met the one and he made me want him and only him.

I Have A Lot Of Questions

I am writing this post, purely to past some time. I may have even done before, but I figure as the seasons change and I get older, so too will my answers. So here it goes.

Who was your last text from?

I am not a big text sender, I am of the generation that is quickly moving away from regular texting and calling and adopting things like What’s App and Facebook to communicate. Which is fine by me. My phone is not that important to me. This is a newish development because a few years ago, if I left my phone at home. Well that would have been hell. I am over this now.

What/who is your icon?

I have had many icons and idols over the years. Joss Whedon, the writer of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Amy Dumas, the WWE superstar. Singers like Christina Aguilera, Celine Dion etc. I still very much adore these performers and artists, but as my passion for writing progresses, I am starting to fall in love with authors, writers and journalists. This is probably ideation of their work and path, because it’s a path that I want to be on. I don’t consider this a bad thing.

Your relationship status?

Forever alone. I am not someone that yearns for a relationship. I have documented this several times on this blog. It is just not something that is important to me. However, even though I have written about a recent crush, even when I imagine the ideal outcome, the picture in my head is fuzzy. I don’t know what I want from it. I really think my ego just wants confirmation of reciprocation. In fact, I have said before I want to feel the pain of a break up, to relate to ‘heartbreak’ songs. I am 26 years old and I have no idea what it feels like, that seems wrong somehow.

Have you ever lost a close friend?

I have never lost a friend close or otherwise through death. But as I have gotten older, I have drifted away from certain people, childhood friends, people I had a close relationship with at the time. I think it is a natural progression into adulthood, to lose friends along the way, but probably making twice as more in the meantime. I have been friends with my current lot, here and in Manchester for years now and I can’t say I yearn for any friendships past.

What is your current mood?

I am ok I guess, no major gripes. I discussed wanting to write something with my friend Wendy this morning and she asked ‘What is bothering you, right now. Write about that’ and I wasn’t able to come up with anything worth blogging about. There is nothing major or important going on. I recently told HIM that I would be cooling off about a week ago. He is currently on holiday and I guess selfishly, I am expecting him to message me or speak to me and demand, something, I don’t know what.

What’s your brother(s)/sister(s)names?

Tanya, Darren and Karl.

Where do you wish you were right now?

I wish I wasn’t working right now I guess. I have been working 10 hour days this week, to try and get some money together, to pay of what I owe to my Mother. Which is just a couple of hundred Euro. But it means a couple of weeks of going without.

Have a crazy side?

I don’t really like the title of ‘crazy side’ but I do have a wildly spontaneous side. I have often made life changing decision without much consideration of the consequences. I like this side of me, I am not a worrier, and I try not to over analyse certain things before I do them. Sometimes of course things don’t go my way and the experience might not be pleasant but I figure it’s just one more experience which I have had.

Ever had a near death experience?

I think I have had more than one, the most remarkable one, was when I was declared dead back in 2010. The memories of that day, have become blurred over time. It now has its own soundtrack.

Something you do a lot?

Reading, writing and socialising are 3 of my biggest hobbies and I do them pretty much constantly. I read everyday and I go through phases where I practically snort a book up on a daily basis. Right now I am going through a slow period. Reading only when I travel to and from work. Writing is pretty much the same way, I can go through phases when I write, every day, several pieces, some make it here, some get deleted and other times, I can go a couple of weeks without writing a single thing. One constant is socialising, I try to go out to a club at least once a week.

Angry at anyone?

No, not at all. Even if I was, it’s hard for me to hold any real grudges. I never really stay angry for very long and I rarely ever get upset by what people do, I am firm believer in mistakes can happen, deal with it quickly and move on. Shit happens.

What’s stopping you from going for the person you like ?

Distance and incompatibility. He lives in a different country and we are so mismatched that any union, however unlikely would be a disaster. He is more introverted than I am, our moral codes are very different and although we like the same things and lots in common, he views the world on a very different scale than I do. We would never work, I would damage him and he would frustrate me.

When was the last time you cried?

I was in Manchester a couple of weeks ago, I had a very rough night and I was still feeling everything I had taken. It was probably about 12 the next afternoon and I was practically dead. When I got in the shower, I was so spaced, I just sat there, under the water and I had a little cry. The shower was so amazing, I didn’t even use soap or shampoo, I just sat there, letting the water fall over me. It was amazing.

What are you really good at ?

Well, I like to think I am good at a lot of things. I am a really good singer and I think I am good writer. It’s all subjective of course, I am pretty fast runner, despite my height and size, I can run like an immigrant running across the border.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?

I don’t think my thoughts before sleep have any consistency. I think about what has happened that day, if I am excited about what the next day has to offer and other times I just let my imagination run wild.

What is/are your favorite band(s)?

I am not one to shy away with embarrassment, afraid to admit the bands I like when I was younger. At the moment, I am loving bands like Boyce Avenue, Metric, Bombay Bicycle Club. But I also love bands like N’Sync, BSB and before the last band member change, Sugababes. I absolutely love The Supremes. But right now, I love a couple of the girl groups currently rocking the UK. Little Mix and Stooshe.

What are you doing right now?

I am in work. It’s not very busy and I have writing this between calls, to help me pass the time. I am working 10 hours today and tomorrow and I am in on Saturday, so even though its Thursday morning, I am still only at the halfway point.

Who do you trust 100% right now?

There are loads of people I trust. I am not afraid to put my trust in people. I guess I haven’t been burned enough times, although I wouldn’t say I would be the type of person that once burned twice shy. As I said before, shit happens. Trust like glass gets broken. Doesn’t mean you stop buying drinks?

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

I am in my work clothes, which is just a standard grey shirt, black v-neck jumper and black slacks. I got the shirt in Primark, the discount clothes outlet in the UK. I remember a time, when I first entered the working world that I detested wearing office attire but as I have gotten older, I have learnt to appreciate the my casual clothes are for me to enjoy and not to be wasted in work. However over the past few months, I have started to explore wearing more fun clothes but still office appropriate. Just the other day, I picked up an unusual brown Dolce and Gabbana sweater, paired it up with some brown corduroy pants. It looked very retro and I loved it. I Googled searched how much the sweater would have cost at full retail price and it would cost $825 but I picked it up at a thrift store for like 10 Euro.

Who are you thinking of right now?

Seeing as these questions brought it up, I am thinking of HIM. I am giving myself a month and then I am getting over it. I want to talk to him, get everything out of the way, feelings or otherwise and go back to being friends.

What should you be doing right now?

I should probably be more focused on work, but it’s pretty quiet so I am doing this. I am not sorry about it.

What are you listening to?

The last song I listened to was called Know About Me by Ryan Keen. He was the support act for the Leona Lewis concert a couple of weeks ago. I have downloaded all the music I could find and I really loving his work.

You need new jeans. Quick where do you go?

I really had to think about this, when the last time I bought a new pair of standard denim jeans. I really think it might be 2 years or so now. I don’t wear many jeans, I have lots of coloured chinos and pants but not many jeans. All the jeans I have, are ones I have had for a while.

Who was the last person who yelled at you?

I actually can’t remember. It probably would have been my Mother, over some domestic gripe.

Do you act differently around the person you like?

I really don’t know. It’s not often I come across people I like, so I can’t remember if I have felt like I was acting differently. But it is something you do, I have noticed it in other people when they have been around people they have liked. It’s an interesting question, something which I will have to enquire about.
What is your eye colour?

I am a blue eyed boy.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?

I sit behind my good friend and colleague Wendy and I don’t think an hour passes without one of us making the other laugh.

Who was the last person to make you angry?

I think it was when I was in Manchester a couple of weeks ago. I was feeling really rough from the night before, I can’t over stress that fact enough. My friends and I were in a bar and a large group of girls came in and they were really loud and obnoxious, they had all obviously had more than alcohol. They really pissed me off but only due to the fact I was feeling like complete shit.

One thing you want right now?

To sleep in! These past four days, peeling myself out of bed before 7am has been difficult. I will have to wait until Sunday to enjoy such an awesome event before I do it all again next week.

Will you fall in love in the next few months?

Who the hell knows…or cares. I am not closed off from the possibility. If it happens, it happens.

Are you worried about the future?

No, I am excited about the future, I start school in September. I have no idea how I am going to fund myself through it but I don’t care, I will worry about that when the time comes.

Are you happy with life right now?

I am very happy with life right now. Sure there are things that I am not snap happy about but these are normal life things, which come and go if I am happy or not. I am really enjoying living back in Ireland and I really feel like I have a sense of direction, something I have not had for years. Life is very good.

Are you currently jealous?

So it comes back to HIM again. This thing, whatever it is has made me feel a whole wealth of different things. I have felt some jealousy but mostly the whole situation is making me feel rather pathetic. I don’t get like this! This shit doesn’t happen to me.

Do you forgive or forget?

Both. I am not going patronise and say some idealistic bullshit, like life is too short. No, for me it is just too much hard work to maintain.

What do you miss the most about elementary school?

How fricking easy it all is. It is all relative to age, I wish someone told me not to worry about elementary or high school and to just enjoy them for what they were and for me to really have understood it.

What are you looking forward to?

Before going back to school in September, I am looking forward to having an awesome Summer. Even though I am 26, I look forward to it with a childish glee. I have a really strong feeling that the weather is going to really be on my side.

Lyrics to the song you’re listening to?

‘Wanna know what I’m thinkin, why can’t sleep at night. Wanna know what I’m drinking, a double of anything is fine’

Mind Of Mine is 5 Years Old!

Mind Of Mine Is 5 Years old.The anniversary of this blog kind of came and went without me noticing it. But back at the end of April, I hit my 5 year milestone. 5 years and over 640 posts later and it is still the most consistent thing in my life. It seen me through some happy and tough times, given me a place to vent, to lay my feelings bare and to share some happy memories. I have used it document the good and the bad.

It’s an achievement I am very proud of, when I first started blogging, I could never have imagined it would come this far. I was sceptical myself during the initial few posts that it would be something I would keep up on a regular basis. I have made friends, money and enemies from what I have posted. It has helped me put some disasters I have gotten myself involved in, into perspective. It literally holds my life, my loves, my heartbreak, my tragedy my melodramatic highs and woes.

I don't know if there is another 5 years left in it, lord knows what kind of writing platforms I will be exploring then. I hope over the next course of years, as my studies progress that the style and content might change as I learn the rules and the craft. But yes, I hope to still be here, in some form of another over the next 5 years or more.

Fashion

I can’t really remember when my interest in Fashion began. As long as I can remember, I have always worn or wanted to wear, some pretty unique clothes. Being gay, means I am friends with people that follow most trends, from high street to designer. Some will pair full outfits from one brand or store, others will wear just designer brands. However, most if not all, will put their own unique stamp on it.

My sense of style, would not what you would call on trend. If anything, I tend to pair up dated trends, with classic or vintage pieces. Real or fake. I like to have colour in my outfits, or something unique that really stands out. Lately, I have been very much into a classic 90’s look, over sized denim, busy prints and backwards caps. I would never call my style ground breaking but I would most certainly call it different, especially compared to that of my peers.

 I have always wanted to be a writer, before I could really write properly, I knew that is what I wanted to do.  However, if there was a second choice, it would definitely be in fashion. Ladies fashion. When I worked in fashion sales a few years ago, I was really good at pairing up items from the catalogue I sold from, and selling them as whole outfits. I have a keen interest in the works of the major fashion houses and every season, I check out their runway collections and ready to wear. Occasionally discussing any standout pieces with my friend Ali, who works for Dior and lives and breathes fashion and clothes. He is also a snappy dresser and I have been inspired by many things he has worn.

 There is a point to this post, even if it is just to outline one of the more interesting things I enjoy, as it is something I have never really shared before. My biggest monthly expense, probably goes on clothes (and cigarettes). Lately, I have really started to enjoy thrift shopping and picking up some high street and designer pieces for practically nothing. Just a couple of weeks ago, I managed to score some Ralph Lauren Shirts, an Hermes Tie, a Levi denim jacket and a Pierre Cardin wallet. All in my local thrift shop too.  In fact some of the more memorable, or my most favourite things to wear, I have purchased in the last few months in thrift and vintage stores. Dublin has a great vintage scene, Temple Bar being a mecca for brands such as Eager Beaver and Helter Skelter, where I got the majority of the outfit I wore to my sister’s wedding.

 My next purchase, is going to be an old school Adidas zip up tops, I borrowed one this weekend, in bright red and paired it up with a print shirt and shorts and I really liked how it looked. I have been giving some consideration, on what things I would like to expand into when it comes to my writing and Fashion is up there near the top of the list.

The Dating Game

If getting on the horse, is what I need to do to get over him. Then maybe it’s time I did just that. Notice I didn't say back on the horse, because really, I have never been a big dater, I have had a couple of relationships. One that could be called marginally serious. We did the whole, ‘fall in love’, move in together thing. But in the years that have past, almost 4 now at this point. I can say with some degree of certainty, that I didn't love him. I loved the idea of being in love. When really it was just an exhausting exercise in trying to change someone.  Now, I wasn't trying to change someone, who didn't need changing, just to suit my own needs. No, he really needed to change. He had a bad attitude about every aspect of his life and our relationship.  Anyway, it was a pointless and fruitless exercise.

I am not against dating per se, I have just never really had any good ones. The last date I went on, was with a doctor called James, from New Jersey. He is a good looking guy and is perfectly nice and polite and that’s sweet. It’s just not very exciting. I have been on a few dates with him since we met and none of them apart from the first date have blown me away. The sex, which happened on the date number one, was fantastic and I think it is this reason alone, which have kept me contacting him. Usually at 3 in the morning when I have been drinking.

I had a particularly bad date, earlier in the year, a polish guy, I can’t even remember his name, who worked as a chef. We had exchanged pictures and information on the popular gay dating APP, Grindr. Unfortunately, he lied about his height and when he showed up at the agreed place, I was visibly taken back at how short he was. I am 5,10 and he told me he was around 5,9. However, when he walked in the door, it was clear that he was just about stretching to 5,7. It sounds shallow I know, so I decided that I would have the drink we arranged and see if there was something else there, worth sticking around for. There wasn't. Not only was he short, he was also uninteresting.

I like to be interested when I am on a date. My ideal date places, are not bars and clubs that some people may think, but places like funfairs, adventure parks and god forbid it should never happen. Arrange to meet me at a library, then I am yours. But maybe it is time to change tactic’s because what I have been trying before, has clearly not being working.  The first thing, I should probably consider is the amount of effort I put in because I am for the most part, not fussed about being in a relationship right now (I don’t know yet, if that’s in general or anyone but HIM), that I am getting back, what I put out there. Indifference.  Another thing to consider, is maybe trying something a little bit different.  A friend of mine recently suggested speed dating. A Dublin based organisation called Romeo/Romeo and Juliet/Juliet run date nights here in the city. I am very keen to try something like this, even if it doesn't go anywhere, I am thinking it will be one more memorable experience that I will have had.

 One of the biggest reasons, I have never taken dates to the next level is due to the fact, that there so many aspects of my life, that I didn't want to invite another person into, for selfish reasons mostly. In Manchester, there was no room for anyone else, I was too busy crushing on HIM, trying to keep my financial head above water and generally being too much of a mess, to barely keep my own life in check, never mind taking someone else’s into consideration. Things are different now in Dublin, I am working, I don’t drink or go out nearly as much and I generally more stable. But I am not open to the idea of introducing anyone to my family or friends right now. Having feelings for someone, makes me feel vulnerable, like my weakness is there for everyone to manipulate and observe or ridicule. This I imagine can be combated by taking things slow, and letting real feelings develop, I am just not sure how ready I am for that yet.

I guess, we will have to wait and see.

Fun To Be Had

Despite the woes, I may have felt because of my infatuation with HIM. I didn't want it to take away from the awesome weekend I had in Manchester.  It was the second time I had been there this year and although I had been there just last February, so much had happened, that it felt like a long time ago. This year has been closing in faster than I ever would have expected.

 I got in Thursday night, after a quick flight, which passed without any notable event. Paul and Ali, two of my best friends where there to pick me up, which I really appreciated as it meant I didn't have to get the train to the city and I got catch up with them immediately. We went for a couple of drinks in The Village and later Paul and I went to see his brother perform at a club called Mint, in Manchester’s trendy Northern Quarter. His brother, Liam, better known as Skittles, is an immensely talented rapper and MC, and he has always put on an excellent showing, along with his label mates from Estate Records, a Manchester based independent label.. I have included a couple of songs here and here. Also worth checking out his label mate Jenna G by clicking here.

 With everyone at work on Friday, I had some down time to go shopping and just chill out. When I lived there, this was always something I enjoyed doing. I would do it several times a week, even if I didn't always buy something, I loved nothing more to browse, grab a coffee and relax. It gave me time to think about something’s, one of which was HIM. But another was how drastically my life had changed, from just 12 months before hand. Not that I have ever been consistent.  The evening, would be spent driving to Sheffield, so Paul and I could go see Leona Lewis.  I met him after work and we made the 90 minute drive to Sheffield through the Pennines, which was a pleasant enough drive, but it left us very little time, to locate the hotel, get changed and make our way to the Sheffield Town Hall, where she would be performing.

The concert itself was fantastic. Paul and I both had something to drink at the hotel and at the venue’s bar, so when it came time to take our seats, we were both a little tipsy. We weren't expecting Leona to have a support act, as there was nothing in the program or noted in her set list. I was very pleased that there was though. His name was Ryan Keen, he performed a very beautiful acoustic set, which included a cover of Rihannas Stay. However my favourite song he performed, was this….

Leona herself, came on and performed the majority of her classics. Leona doesn't have a reputation for a particularly engaging performer, but I was pleasantly surprised at how charismatic she was.  There was a great atmosphere from everyone in the crowd. She finished up with an encore of the Snow Patrol cover Run, which was quite frankly outstanding.

 I had never been to Sheffield before on a night out. Nights out in different cities can be hit and miss sometimes and you can never really be sure if you will have a good night. But as we headed out, I was hopeful. We met Paul’s sister and her friends, who had been to another concert in the Sheffield arena, in the city centre. I really didn't have anything to worry about, in terms of a good night out, as all the clubs we visited were right up my street. In particular, a club called Embrace. The type of music they played, 90’s classics and RnB hits, had me rocking up a storm on the dance floor.

Paul and I finished up in a club called Dempsey’s, apparently the cities Number One gay club. It was actually a lot of fun, it seemed the club gave people free reign to do whatever they pleased, including dancing on tables and generally being very rowdy. The combination of the concert, the straight and gay clubs being awesome, have given me reason to consider Sheffield for a repeat visit.

 Hung over the next morning, it was time to head back to Manchester. I met all the guys, and we went for food, before I checked into the hostel, I had booked. The hostel, called Hatters, was a budget hostel and I had booked a single room, for a little over £30.  Of course I could have stayed with anyone of my friends in Manchester but I felt more comfortable, considering I was staying for over 4 days, knowing I would have a place to crash and chill out a lone if I needed to, at least for one day. Although, there was nothing wrong with the room, I just didn't have much use for it, except for Saturday night, when I brought a guy back,  without going into to much sordid detail , as soon as I could, I got rid of him and went to stay with Andrew. Rocking up to his house before 9AM, in last night’s clothes, feeling the effect of last night’s antics and climbed into his bed.

Sunday, was also another big night out celebrating the May bank holiday weekend. After the craziness of Saturday night, I woke up in Andrews still feeling everything I had taken the night before. Cringing at the fact, that I had not only taken a guy back to my hotel room, almost getting kicked out in the process but the fact that I had gotten in his car and drove around the City. It took me most of the day to recover. In the evening, I gave myself a second wind and few of us headed to Via on Canal Street, to watch the The Queen's Of Pop. A drag duo, who rose to cult fame recently with their Youtube parody of the 2001 smash hit, Whole Again, by Atomic Kitten.

The venue they played in, was far above capacity and were over an hour late but they were very well received and they sang live, which I don't think anyone was expecting. The rest of the night was spent, partying in Thompsons and Cruz and I was finally able to get about 4 hours sleep back at Ali's house. The longest I had slept all weekend.

I went home on Monday evening, leaving Manchester after some dinner with my friends, I was still thinking of him too much but I wasn't thinking about moving back and although I had a good time in Manchester, an absolutely brilliant time I should say, I was glad to be leaving and getting back to my life here in Dublin.

I am looking forward to booking another trip very soon though.

Fuck You Feelings.

I really wish we hadn't been so honest with each other a few weeks ago. Seeing him this weekend, I realized that I had expectations. For some kind of development to have happened between me and him. Only after the weekend was done, and I have had almost a full day to think about and assess it, that I now know, it wasn't closure I was after, it was solace. 

The weekend I have just spent in Manchester was awesome. I traveled to Sheffield, spent some quality time with my friends, partied up a storm and I have to be careful that what I write now, doesn't take away from how much fun I had. So here it goes...

I am embarrassed by it almost. I had no right to expect anything from him but I did. I don't get like this, I am always really good at keeping my feelings in check. I don't get silly crushes and they certainly shouldn't last for as long as this one. I wish we now we hadn't been so forthcoming with our feelings a few weeks. Its only purpose seems to have been to bring these 'feelings' to the forefront. No longer a subtext. But now its out there, it hung between us unsaid, to the point where being in his presence was mostly uncomfortable. 

I don't know how to classify it. To describe it. Is it love? I really can't be sure, I have never really been in love before and this is certainly not how imagine love to feel like. Is it lust? There is an attraction there, which is more than physical. I don't think of his body or his sexuality when I think of him, I think of him, his laugh or his wit, his essence. It is very confusing. 

I slept in his arms for a few brief hours and because of my altered state of mind, I can't even tell if it was real. For him, I am sure it was platonic, almost done out of a sense of duty, to give me comfort in my inebriated state. But for me, it felt like so much more than that. I was high, on everything. Him, myself. I was out of my mind and to have his arms there, as he slept and my mind raced. Felt indescribably good. I felt so near...

But really I was so far, because seeing him interact with someone else, someone better than me in his eyes, crushed me. Looking at him, with this other person I realized that everything I am probably feeling for him, he is feeling for someone else. I feel bad for him because I know what that is like but I feel bad for me because it raises the question. What does he see in this person, that he can't see in me. 

I never wanted this to effect our friendship, but I think I have come to realize for me to recover from him, its something that needs to happen. I will need to put some distance between us. I would look forward to his conversations, I loved that he would confide in me, his worries, his woes. I loved having that connection with him and I will be sad to lose it. It's not healthy though and in order to combat this, I need to cut my ties with him. I will do what I do whenever I try to overcome a challenge. I take the lesson and try and move on. If the lesson here is that I am able to have such feelings for anyone then that is a good thing. For a while I thought I wasn't even capable of doing so. I will have to force closure on this 'Crush'

Jesus Brought A Casserole.

Religion, something that never really played a large part of my life. I was christened of course, had my holy communion and when I was 12 I was confirmed. But all these occasions were merely a tradition rather than a spiritual necessity. My family for the most part identify as catholic's but not one of us would go to church on a regular basis.

As I have gotten older, I have given it some quiet reflection. In particular, I have been considering going to narcotics anonymous meetings. I have taken some huge leaps in staying clean over the last few months and I have been considering giving these meetings a try, in order to finally combat the problem for good. My biggest concern about taking part, is not confronting all the horrible things I have done over the years, when my addictions were at there worst. I am not afraid to confront the bad part of my psyche. No, what is really putting me off, is the fact that the meetings I have heard about focus heavily on the intervention of 'God'.

Admitting ones sins to the lord and letting him forgive me, is not something I am prepared to do. When I sign forms or when people ask me what religion I identify with, I often say none. Atheist with agnostic tendencies. But I don't know if that is actually true. Do I believe in the big man upstairs with his grey beard, saint Peter, Jesus, the virgin Mary. No, of course I don't. But do I believe that there is something out there, some deity who will welcome me into paradise when my judgement day beckons. Well that is a different story.

I believe in science, evolution, the big bang. But I also believe that maybe the collective will of billions of spirits, souls in the universe, have created this greater good. But I have doubts about this all knowing mythical being. Especially when tragic events like wars, murders happen. I wonder if these events are interventions, to help guide us, shape us but over time we have become so desensitized to death and destruction that its effect is lost on us.

I remember, when I was 13 or so, when my Mom got sick, I prayed, to whoever was out there, I prayed really hard. I prayed to the traditional depiction of god. I made promises to him I probably didn't keep. I also did a healing spell, I had learned through some wiccan websites. I willed it so much, I sometimes think it might have worked. It is that period of my life, where I sought genuine comfort in religion, that stops me from turning my back on it completely.

I believe that my essence, my soul is a tangible  entity that will continue to exist in some way after my body has crumbled to disease or an accident, or god forbid an overdose. Memories, feelings that flash through my mind, familiarity with another place and another time, lay the foundations for that belief.

So as I consider these NA meetings, I am nervous about exposing that need for spiritual intervention. Would I scoff at those who believe that allowing Jesus, Allah, God, Hecate into their lives, has helped them kick their habit for good? The meetings themselves are daunting enough, without having to consider what part religion might play, if any at all.

But there are aspects I want no part of, maniacal fantasists, who distort their religion to cater to their own ego, or agenda, organisations like Al Qaeda or the Westboro Baptist church, make me ashamed of our race and I want nothing to do with that.

Maybe someday I will have my spiritual awakening, or moment of clarity when it all make sense. One way or another. My outlook over the past year has changed so much and this is just another manifestation of that.