Work! and other stuff.

So i have been at my new job about 2 months now.I work for a government entity OH NOES!
My job is menial at best but i have such a laugh while i am there that it makes everything else seem unimportant. Working with Damo(Sort off..) has been a real highlight because it someone i can rant too, who understands exactly were i am coming from. Having someone to bunk on the tram and to share butties with at work has been a lot of fun!

Like all my jobs i am good at what i do and it has been noticed already but i feel like every other job the passion to do said 'good' job dwindles and i coast my way through to the end of my employment. This place has a good chance of keeping me occupied for the time being.

Other Stuff...

I have this friend, we have this friend who has had some relationship troubles of late and it seems that he feels he cannot share them with us. He Lie's and sneaks around, flakes on plans and does the general kind of things that ones does when trying to cover up something they should not be doing.

some would say it was none of our business what he did or who he did it with. That never really true though is it. In a group of friends everything is every ones business. When i had a drug issue(a few times..) it was every ones business, When he would make up unbelievable stories(A lot..) it was every ones business. When he would get in strops and sleep with peoples boyfriends it was always our business.

Frankly none of us care what he does we just feel that if he is going to do it and believes that he has every right to do it then he does not need to lie. He should just man-up and tell the truth.

Or if he can't do that, become a better liar!

More other Stuff...

It is my Birthdays soon. My first single Birthday in 4 years! Isn't that shocking! When it feels like to me i have been single for most of my adult life! That's four years with 3 different people FYI. Christmas is coming soon(I saw the coco-cola advert!) and i am going home for 9 days! which is the longest i have been home in over a year. I am looking forward to having some time off and spending it with what is left of the family that speaks. Karl will still be in Australia until February which is a bit of a bummer...

Anyways. TTFN I have rambled enough!

Strong Feelings.

There are some things that people feel strongly about. For some it is Religion, Politics or the X-Factor.

But not me. I am the type of person that would call myself and Atheist but then pray should a situation call for it and i will complain about the state of our government but then when it comes to voting day i will never give it a second thought. I believe in Karma but only when i believe something bad has happened to someone else due to them being an absolute cunt. When it comes to myself i assume that it was just my bad luck.

There is actually very little i feel really passionate about. Sure i have my hobbies and the things i like but nothing i feel strongly involved in. Most of the things i enjoy are purely selfish, take Blogging for instance. I love blogging and i love sharing my thoughts with people that do not know me but i do it for my own satisfaction and not very much else.

I want all these things from live but i rarely do anything to get them instead i wait patiently until they come my way not realising of course that my dream job is not going to fall on my lap but infact requires hard and consistent work.

I wish sometimes that there was a cause that i was deeply involved in and that held a place in my heart for which i could totally immerse myself for the good of others. When i hear of people that have been touched by death or illness campaigning for change or in raising money of charity i applaud them but it never occurs to me to help by giving my time or donating any money. I can only assume that i reason with myself that because i am not effected by these issues that it is nothing to do with me.

I fear this kind of thinking will eventually come back to haunt me. I am not getting any younger and eventually i know i will be looking back and cursing myself for not being pro-active in getting the things that i want. I look at my friend Paul and see that he has already achieved so much in so little time because he has taken all the necessary steps to achieve them. Some would say it is because i am just free spirited whilst others would it is because i am lazy. I can't help but lean towards the latter.

I tend to dis-associate my self from the people that tend to expect so much from me.

I am so afraid to fail that i would just rather not try, than deal with that failure.

What I Cannot Have And What I Do Not Want

I went out on Thursday for my friends Ben's birthday and it was a strange night off sorts.

My Ex-boyfriend was out. We had been texting a bit of late and if i am being honest with myself i had inklings albeit small ones to maybe seeing him again. Not because i missed him or any such nonsense but just to have something to do. However seeing him and actually talking to him of all of ten minutes put a stop to that. I could tell nothing had changed and any inklings i may have had vanished.

Someone far more interesting was out. P was out.

I saw him briefly at the start of the night and we chatted for about 5 minutes. He told me how stressed he has been recently as his boyfriend had recently lost his job and he was worried about the mortgage they recently got, he has signed off from work because of this. I was taken back by how concerned i was, how genuine it was.

We ended up in the same club together and we danced and what have you. Nothing happened that could possibly have given me an indication that he was still interested in him. However the next morning on my way to work he text me to tell me that he was still up and drinking. All day we were texting each other back and forth, in fact he was sending me two and three at a time. It was the kind of interaction i had craved back when i first met him. They lacked the usual polite courtesy that always left me so frustrated and in no way were they ambiguous like they had been in the past. He was being upfront which pleased me no end.

I am fully aware that he was texting me because he was drunk and his boyfriend was not there but i still took pleasure in it none the less.

The next day it was back to same old text messages full of politeness and ambiguity as i expected.

Oh well a boy can dream.

Winter Blues

There is something about this time of year which brings out the worst on me. I get so down, i am so down.

Normal people when they feel like this will do something to try and make them selves feel better. Spend extra time with friends, get a new hobby, have a word with themselves and just get over it. I have not done any of those things because they never seem to work for me.

No i do what i always do and get myself into the same trappings as i have done before. The same temptations to which i have fallen prey to many times before have taken somewhat of a hold on me again. I look at myself and think how did it come to this again. Its a vicious circle i seek solace in these things and they make me feel just as bad. It has spiralled out of control of late.

Why am i posting this here...

It is kind of like admitting it to myself so i can do something about it...and i will. Just this time i don't want to run back home to deal with it.

The Old Days.

About a year ago i made a post, The SoundTrack To My Childhood.

Recently a big part of those Happy Memories came back into my life via the medium of Facebook. The songs included in the post reminded me of the days when we lived in Thomas Court Bond back in Dublin. Me, My brother Karl and my Mum lived in one of the flats in this inner city slum. A few doors down lived my Mums best friend Christine and her kids Lyn and Tammy.

To say we were close would be such an understatement, we did everything together. The truth is more often than not both adults would barely have two pennies to rub together and i am not endorsing a cliche here but it really did not matter, we were kept occupied with music. Christine and my Mum both played the guitar and their favourites were Mary Black and Tracey Chapman.

As i said i have in the past few days i have been in contact with Lynn and her Mum Christine. Talking about the good times and remembering all the things we used to do together. We were poor and our parents no doubt struggled to support us but we were oblivious to that as they an effort to keep us as childlike and unburdened as possible. In 1992 Christine for her own private reasons had to take her kids(She at this time had a one year old called Mark) and go to London and at the time i just could not understand why. We were a family and we were being split up for no reason i could comprehend. Although i understand it now for the 5 year old me it was very hard. It was probably harder for my Mum as her best friend and her support network was leaving and for Christine i can imagine she was leaving so much behind.

We lost contact over the years but i have often thought about them and have search for them via Facebook and Bebo periodically over the years to no luck. My Mum recently joined Facebook and found them within days and since then a lot have happy memories have been shared.

Its times like this that make me appreciate social networking sites like Facebook.

Talking about the old times and sharing the songs that we used to sing has brought a lump to my throat and its nice to know that our paths have crossed once again.

I missed them more than i realised and i cannot help but wonder how different our lives would be if we had not been separated.

Halloween!

This year was my first Halloween in Manchester. Even though i have lived her for 3 years i have never actually spent a Halloween here instead every year i have opted to stay in Dublin for it. Two years ago i went too a costume Party and last year i spent it with Michael and his family.

I was pretty excited for this year as it was just another excuse to dress up. I wanted to wear an elaborate costume, something which really stood out. However i had left it all to the last minute and a few of us went driving all over Manchester for a costume shop that wasn't empty or completely crowded. Eventually we all just decided to go as Zombie Nuns, getting some cheap costumes from Argos.

It actually turned out pretty good and we all looked mint. The people down Canal street put in so much effort. Nearly every person we came across had really gone to a lot of effort. We all headed to Crunch like usual and got suitably trashed. Crunch has a club underneath called...Under crunch. Everyone was dancing having such a good time, people that didn't even know each other were joining in. My friend Ben was joined by some work colleagues and during a game of limbo one of them managed to break her wrist!!

Afterwards we all headed to Cruz and unfortunately my night becomes a little blurry. Paul had to be carried home because he got smashed off his face and my housemate Arron had to put me in cab(after 5 would not take me), this was after i was rude and slapped his date because i did not 'like' him.

I woke up the next morning still dressed as a nun with the contents of my wallet strewn around my living room...

How was your Halloween!?

Life

I have to get myself out of this rut somehow. Maybe this will help

One Last Chance

I have been feeling kind off down the last few days, on a proper funky downer! So i have not been in the best blogging mood. I have stuff to write about like what i did for Halloween and stuff but i am not in the right frame of mind for that right now.

There is something about this time of year...

Stolen from Sunshine.

If you had one last chance to…

Grab one thing out of your burning house, what would it be?

I have actually been in a position to make this this decision.Twice! The last time i managed to grab some clothes, some photographs and a laptop.

Visit someplace you’ve never been, where would you go?

Amsterdam. I hear really good things about their mushrooms. Seriously though it just sounds like such a party city... it would go down well by my standards!

Tell someone that you love them, who would it be?

Michael. I don't need to tell him because he already knows but sometimes he just likes to hear it.

Try a new hobby, what would it be and why?

Photography. It's on my list of things i want to do but won't because i am too busy being me.

Leave something for future generations, what would it be?

Buffy! I am being serious!

Eat, what would you choose?

Home cooked Lasagna with a cold class of cola.

Sing, what would you sing?

Lean on me.

Make something right, what would it be?

My inability to accept and embrace normal adult responsibilities.

Call someone, who would it be?

Karl.. just to tell him i miss him.

Blahh Blahhh BLAHHHH

I am in one of those moods.....

October Theme: Where Am I

How did you get to where you are today?
Manchester,

Physically and emotionally.

I have never loved Dublin. I have always felt that there was something i needed to be doing in another place and when i was younger i just never knew where. Well I suppose that's how i felt, but its only since i have left Dublin that i can actually identify these feelings.

Coming to Manchester for the first time was like opening my eyes for the first time in a way. Almost immediately i fell in love with a city that seemed to have everything i have ever wanted and eventually it would give me so much of what i craved from life but lacked when i lived in Dublin.

Don't get me wrong Dublin is my home and always will be, it is were my family is but for now Manchester gives me a place where i feel like i belong.

Its because of Manchester and the people that i have encountered here which has brought me to were i am today. I make a lot of mistakes, i don't live very conventionally and to an outsider looking in you could say i was mess quite frankly. But i love it. I get to do what i feel like and i am more confident know than i have ever felt in my whole life and i wake up everyday not knowing what the day will bring and i love that.


Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?
Yes, as i write this i am happy. But my requirements for happiness can change quite frequently. I was in a long term relationship for 18 months and i believed i was happy. I was ecstatic actually i had someone who loved me and no matter what people around me thought i loved him back. But then that changed. He didn't, he still did all the things he did before, his actions did not change and he did not love me any less.

It was me that changed. It was no longer good enough and i wanted more. I saw the path we were going down and i did not like it. Leaving him permanently was one of the proudest things i have ever done. Am i happy? Yes... for now.

Where do you see yourself in the future?
Outside of career and educational dreams, I see nothing in my future. But that's not a bad thing. Having my future mapped out for me is not something i will ever need to know and i don't see myself in a certain time, place or with someone.

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?
Learning to Welcome change. When i was younger we moved a lot and my family dynamic changed a lot and you would imagine that i would have adapted and even learned to welcome it. But in my late teens everything seemed to be changing so quickly that i was not able to adapt and i felt like i was losing control. I also had to learn to deal with changes in the people that i love.

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?
Don't take advice. Just do what you feel you have to. People around you will change and they will come into your life and maybe leave it again but that's nothing to worry about. If your actions hurt people don't dwell on it. Sometimes its necessary to hit those lows so you can learn and develop. I know in the past that i have wronged and hurt people before but in some ways it has made the relationships i had with the people i hurt have sometimes been stronger for it. In other ways it hasn't and i am genuinely okay with that.

What advice do you have for family and friends?
When someone hurts you, accept it and move on because.at the end of the day what does dwelling on arguments really achieve, eventually its going to be too late to put them behind and what are you left with? nothing but ill feelings. Even if that person can no longer have a place in your world accept that and let them go.

Easier said i know.