Sunday, 10 November 2013

Bright Lights

There is nothing remarkable, in fact all across the country there are people doing the exact same thing, in locations just like this one. But I can't imagine anyone of them are feeling exactly the same way I am. I am riding such a high, its not just narcotics - it feels almost visceral and as I move to this beat. I know I am exactly where I need to be.

I am surrounded by people that love me, people I love, fellow revellers and people who don't know me and I feel epic, so much in unison that simple looks convey an entire conversation in just seconds. Adjectives like amazing and fantastic are exchanged with glances and smiles, not words. Bodies are moving, individual and unique all of them, they move in unison to a familiar beat, jam or melody.

My friends are all around me, touches to show how we love each other, hugs to celebrate those bonds. He is there and his attention is not on me and I don't care because to me, in that moment everything is about riding out this wave of fantastical arrogance. It's about me, I feel amazing. I feel alive.

You go out, you drink, you smoke, you sniff, you ride and it gets tired. You get tired of the same routine, same faces, same judgements, same backwards glances, recrimination. Because on paper the itinerary looks the same but each night holds something so different, new people, new moves, bad experiences combined with some good times. But every now and then something just happens and it erases everything that's come before it and from then on, you are living up to a new expectation of wondrous ambiguity. What exactly will happen next.

You can tell yourself after a bad time, that it was the last time. Sometimes for some people it is. But not for me, for me its an empty term because I know I will keep going back until it has nothing left to offer me. The premise itself is so simple yet so magical and it takes just the right combination, the correct mix to get it exactly right, people, friends, lovers, music, timing and the rest. That X meets the spot, that X which you can't quite put your finger on but it holds the key to keeping everything else in tune, connected.

Eventually the time comes when it has to end and I might be going home alone but I don't care because I feel like I have shared something whole with a room full of people who don't even know my name but they have seen me dance, they have danced with me, beside me.

For just a few short hours, it felt ok to be part of the crowd and as I walk home to place that isn't mine but is filled with some of the greatest people I have ever met, I feel good.


I feel fantastic.

We are fantastic.


Sandy said...

Sounds like you had a giant plate of hooray with a big helping of I don't give a fuck on the side for dinner! It was great to read your ecstatic post. Even made me feel a little like enjoying life today, once I wake up fully. :-D

Mind Of Mine said...

Sandy, if you feel that inspired. Then I would recommend yes, go enjoy life.

Writing this, brought it all back to me, I felt just as wired by the last words.

Queer Heaven said...

Great post! I hope that feeling stays with you!

Anonymous said...

Awesome post! I hope that wonderful feeling stays around.

Peace <3

mistress maddie said...

I think you just took the words out of my mouth! I swear you wrote how I sometimes feel! Very nice post!!!!!

Buddy Bear said...

That's something I've never done! Thanks for giving me an idea what it's like.

naturgesetz said...

"its not just narcotics"

My heart sank when I read that line.

Tell me you're not on the same downward spiral as last time.

I'm reminded of the song from several decades ago:
"Your kicks keep getting harder to find,
Your kicks aren't bringing you peace of mind,
Girl, you'd better get straight,
Before it's too late."

You had a future in Dublin, and it looks as if you've thrown it away. In Manchester it seems you only want a high. What's the future? Tell me you have one. Tell me you have a path to it.

kenn-do said...

the thing about these highs are, the elevation is always followed by crashing. after these highs i usually find myself imagining myself floating above my physical body, looking at it, head cocked to a side, wondering what was going through that body and whether i wanted to return to it.

Mind Of Mine said...

Naturgetz - Perceptions are just those, preconceived ideas of what something is like, by reading just a couple of posts. The difference between here and Dublin, is I am a lot happier. A Lot. This was just one caption of a few hours on a Saturday night and is in no way an indication of my life coming crashing down. I still have a plan, I always have a plan. But moments like I have wrote about in this post - stand out because they are what life is all about. You don't agree and thats fine, but don't find negatives where there aren't any. If you want to know what my plans are, I am still enrolled in school, I am eating so healthy and I have quit smoking. But none of that matters because I am HAPPY.

Mind Of Mine said...

Kenn Do - In this case, there was no crash, how i felt was not chemical or physical, it almost felt spiritual.

naturgesetz said...

I'm happy to hear that you're enrolled in school and that you have a plan. I hope you'll stick with them, because I really think that's what life's about, much more than the enjoyment of a Saturday evening. If you can be happy in what you're doing Monday through Friday, that's a lot more time being happy than Saturday night.

Look, all I know about you is what you've written on your blog. You've written about some behaviors, patterns of behavior which you decided were bad for you. You've written about leaving them behind. I've been glad to read of the decisions you made to take a better path. I hope you can understand how the last couple of posts could be worrisome. If the worries are unwarranted (and you're the one who knows that) that's great.

Wishing you all the best.