Thursday, 16 May 2013
It was a discussion I had with a friend about the intricate workings of a relationship, that got me thinking about this again. Like the inside of a watch, it takes a complicated system, to keep the hands turning. If one part of that system fails, well like a house of cards, it can come tumbling down. So many of the rules of a relationship are unspoken, most work under the assumption, that the normal socially acceptable standards of love, apply to their union. I have come to this conclusion, not from having many relationships of my own, but of watching the couples around me.
Many people disagree with my outlook on cheating, I have to use the word cheating to make my point a little more simpler and to avoid confusion. I have been guilty of cheating in the past, guilty is a word I use but not something I really felt. I was guilty in the eyes and standards of social norms.
For most people, once a relationship becomes serious, there is usually a discussion of exclusivity That person becomes yours and yours only. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. Maybe its a text message on a phone, or an email in an inbox, or worse, walking in and seeing it with your eyes. This usually spells the end of a relationship, when someone betrays the bed and home which you have made together.
But what if I was to tell you that love and fidelity were not mutually exclusive. What If I said, you could have one without the other. In the same way, you can have monogamy without really being in love. Separating the act from the person, can go along way in making sure your union lasts.
The first time I ever 'cheated' was when I stared to really think about this. My first real relationship almost came to an end when I on a wild night out, which last almost a full 24 hours, alcohol and speed and a bathhouse. When I sat down and told him, a few days later, I was understandably nervous. I wouldn't have told him at all, had it not been for the fact that some of his friends had already heard I had gone to a sauna. I felt it would be much better if it came from me. I had thought long and hard about why I had done it and what it meant for our relationship. At the time I thought I loved him and that hadn't changed and after much supposed soul searching, I found the answer to be rather mundane. I was simply horny, it was there and it was convenient. I didn't say this to him of course and I went through the motions of telling him how sorry I was and that it would never happen again. I assessed what it might have meant again when the relationship ended and couldn't really give myself a different answer.
A few months after the relationship came to a much relieving end, I met a couple. The couple propositioned me for a threesome and as I got to know them and saw they had a pretty strong bond, I was enthralled about what they told me. How they had come to have such a unique understanding. It was the first time I ever came across an open relationship, in the flesh and working so well. 'We are not naive, we know that even though we love each other very much, that both of us will look outside the home for sexual gratification and that is okay, as long as both of us know, that it is just sex'.
The concept seemed so remarkable to me but at the same time, it made so much sense. Since then, my outlook on what most people would call cheating has been very different from those of my peers. Explaining this to people who have not agreed with me in the past, has always been frustrating and I have reached a point now, where I don't bother. I have not yet had the opportunity to explore this with another partner but ideally it is something they would need to be at least open to discussing as our relationship developed.
It has also made me think about what I would consider to be 'cheated on'. If someone I loved, slept with someone else, would I feel betrayed. No, I don't think so. As long as they were upfront and honest about it, careful about my health then I would be able to deal with that. But what if they developed feelings for someone else? That makes the situation understandably trickier.
But all of this is just thoery, as I have not put it into practice. It could all go out the window, if I met the one and he made me want him and only him.